I guess I realize today I have just become a burden, and am no longer a source of joy (not sure if I ever was?). I guess one part my fault, one part not. I had already decided I understand it's not good to reveal anything so I won't again. But now, I am just in the way, or a liability, whereas others are not, or the opposite. I guess I have to act on that understanding. Or rather perhaps accept and be in-active.
It's funny because I fought so long and so hard through a natural tendency to go away, to not do it. To overcome obstacles, internal and external. But now it's where it would be happier or less uncomfortable or maybe more likely even outright great for others for me to do it, get out of the way. Mind you, I have practise and if I remember that's what they want it will not be hard. I have motivation for fulfilling others' choices more than my own. It also makes me very uncomfortable. The only thing worse than being as I am is forcing someone else to co-exist around or with it/ me when they wish otherwise and have other goals, plans. Then again, I've gone through enough in my life, I don't need more. I wish I could say I didn't notice but that would be dumb, and I tried to have faith, but never dumbing down. I have to accept I'm broken. Some will be repulsed, some will overlook it, some will be unaffected.
I guess I'm sad to know because safe spaces are at a premium and I wish I weren't as I am and I could kick myself for it, but am glad to know.
Something I heard on tuesday night from someone opened my eyes. Then with open eyes I can now also see for myself. I believe I see. I will never share what I was told with anyone, not even here. But I guess the happenings of all this week have made me realize what I see, and what it means.
If I hold anger in and don’t allow myself to name it and feel it, it infects my day. Conversation don’t go well because I’m coming off combative. The showers too cold, tea too hot, food unseasoned. I’m curmudgeonly basically.
Glad that resonated with you @Defaultxlove :)
And agreed, the only way is through. Just knowing that is a major step forward. I spent years & years trying to suppress my emotions or get around them, and it only made things worse.