I Realize That I


I realized that all my symptoms regarding me getting abused was alerting me to leave my abuser, but I still believed everything he said when he said I was crazy and needed help. I used to blame myself for this, but I've come to terms that none of it was my fault and now I know better. To trust my instincts and that something was indeed wrong. When you look back and noticed things, you see all those red flags but chose to ignore them thinking your simply just paranoid or thinking too much. Now I know better.


I realized I never minimized what bothered others, or what they worried about, nor treated them like a laughing stock.

I realize I or people I love may be thought of that way. Funny, because they do not do that to others and give much. And have had accomplishments, or bravery, or genorosity, or given forgiveness in ways that could make one's head spin. And never told anyone. Or even value it of themselves (all done in a day's work or as part of being who they are). Hence things like the SI.

I realize some people look down on it/ me/ them. They cannot relate, and feel superior. They don't now, because they've never 'been there'. And they don'tinvest like that in caring.

I realize I can feel badly without help from others. And feeling badly because of others, was my choice and my responsibility/ fault.
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I was lucky my dad was a good man, even if there were ~difficulties- not even the appropriate word, possibly even (or likely) ptsd.
But I never really acknowledged a few men after or otherwise really screwed up my trust.
I have problems for some reason thinking of God as a 'Father' in a positive way.
I fear Heaven and don't know why. Go figure?.