I Realize That I


I realized that all my symptoms regarding me getting abused was alerting me to leave my abuser, but I still believed everything he said when he said I was crazy and needed help. I used to blame myself for this, but I've come to terms that none of it was my fault and now I know better. To trust my instincts and that something was indeed wrong. When you look back and noticed things, you see all those red flags but chose to ignore them thinking your simply just paranoid or thinking too much. Now I know better.
I realized I never minimized what bothered others, or what they worried about, nor treated them like a laughing stock.

I realize I or people I love may be thought of that way. Funny, because they do not do that to others and give much. And have had accomplishments, or bravery, or genorosity, or given forgiveness in ways that could make one's head spin. And never told anyone. Or even value it of themselves (all done in a day's work or as part of being who they are). Hence things like the SI.

I realize some people look down on it/ me/ them. They cannot relate, and feel superior. They don't now, because they've never 'been there'. And they don'tinvest like that in caring.

I realize I can feel badly without help from others. And feeling badly because of others, was my choice and my responsibility/ fault.
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I was lucky my dad was a good man, even if there were ~difficulties- not even the appropriate word, possibly even (or likely) ptsd.
But I never really acknowledged a few men after or otherwise really screwed up my trust.
I have problems for some reason thinking of God as a 'Father' in a positive way.
I fear Heaven and don't know why. Go figure?.
Boy, did I get played, but I said so when I realized today. But should have realized, someone 20 years older, and a man. I'm not smart enough to figure out his goal, but I did realize within 24 hours one of his '3rd person conversations' was not innocent or normal small talk, used it against me later but person told me about it. Was with a guy like that years ago who used to do it cheating. Needless to say, what was shared with me weeks ago, and last night, was really a very distorted, incomplete and calculated attempt to skew, with truth peppered in. I was naive, still unsure of intent. When the other person knows and you (I) don't, it feels creepy. Especially from someone who is the pot calling the kettle black.. Unsure?

Crazy relative apologized next day after I set a boundary. Must be a full moon. I know that just means she's on to Plan B. I think she had no plot or sold it.

i realized today SI feels like the only viable and useful option. Not desire, but option for this untenable situation for me.


I realize that my reactions to things that have happened are completely OK, it took a whole lot of bad things to get my reactions to be so strong, and now that they are I have to accept that anyone that hasn't lived it isn't going to get it and it follows that their reactions are completely OK too. Bad things, bad reactions, but not bad people.


I realize that I need to be compassionate towards me right now. Give my self time. And not give in to fear. Thread lightly, but "stay still" and no matter what refuse to go back even once to the abusive situation with my boss. Call the doctor and ask for help.