I Realize That I

[OliveJewel]

@CoolBreezeonahotday sounds like dismissal a bit?

 

[Tinyflame]

What do you mean @OliveJewel ? I don't understand?

 

[OliveJewel]

it makes me feel bad to say it and not accurate and wah wah wah.

It makes you feel bad to say so you avoid it and make fun of (discount and dismiss) your sadness.

They did the best that they could, it was what it was, had to be. I got pretty competent.

Giving them the benefit of the doubt and telling yourself to suck it up (dismissing, discounting, and self-punishment).

 

[Tinyflame]

Idk @OliveJewel , Idk if it's always wrong of me to give the benefit of the doubt, there is context and reality, and I am far from being blame-free for what I do or omit. Would I have done even a worse job? Am I 'worse' as even an adult now? Sometimes I think there is a tendency to see everything as a nail when we have a hammer. Were there positives? What was right? What was 'me'? (And of course it's always a learning process.) I think it's a spectrum, some had it easier, many many many have it much worse (and do even as I speak). I don't see a point to not sucking it up (or rather accepting it), I don't need to look for more sadness and no one else cares to hear it, and they have their own. I don't want to be a Debbie Downer either, what does it matter to anyone what is in my head or heart? (It's kind of like triggers= our problem). For better or worse that's how I came out of the egg (or maybe the box, lol. I actually think humour is useful). Maybe it was useful for creating a pause to not assume anyone doesn't have (childhood) wounds, as well as adult ones. Maybe it's why people tell me I'm very kind, even when I don't feel like I'm being kind. But I don't think that was kind, I think it's factual to give the benefit of the doubt- I don't really have doubt if I thiink of context, let alone unknown variables. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise. Like a scar or imperfection can help us relate to some, or helps us be humble because without it we might not be, Idk. Thank you anyway.

 

[OliveJewel]

Idk if it's always wrong of me to give the benefit of the doubt

Not wrong unless you always do it.

blessing in disguise.

This is helpful, I use this perspective too. And trying to see a bigger purpose.

 

[Tinyflame]

Not wrong unless you always do it.

Yes, well, I can't remember but I think it was the Desert Fathers who said something like, if you walked in your enemy's shoes they would become your best friend. Or maybe it was the Bible? Idk. The actions can be wrong, doesn't make them right. But where do they come from? Even ourselves- myself- I don't necessarily understand as I should. I can't. They can't.

And when you are old enough to realize from going through it, and doing it yourself, or with others, what people do with grief etc; , or what I'm capable of thinking under (x) circumstances (the depth of evil or good in my heart, the former of which I wouldn't even know was possible), and the intricacies of the brain (look at the chronological dispute of addictions are moral issues-> a choice-> a question of will power -> an intolerance -> a disease -> a difference in the reward center of the brain -> ,,,, (etc) ), and the misunderstandings and misinterpretations because (I) simply don't-know-what-I-don't-know (and maybe no one else knows yet, either), how can I level blame? I don't even get it, 1/2 the time.

I guess I just realized (just for me) I don't have the kind of sadness that comes from the anger of being hurt, or wanting revenge, or feels like there's any 'reward' or even justification or usefulness. Maybe that will change, maybe it takes my 'abnormality' to a new level? I think however (for me) it is more useful, a strength amidst a lot of flaws and weaknesses. Makes it easier for me than harder on my heart.

 

[ladee]

@CoolBreezeonahotday, I understand what you were saying. Their neglect made me a fighter and a seeker. Personality? Who knows. I just know that somehow I figured things out. It made me stronger for when the 'grown up ' stuff happened in my life I could cope better than my peers. I get it. And yes, they did the best they could. They are still accountable, but not to me. That sets me free.

 

[Lilac98]

I realise that I'd rather have nightmares about grandad sitting on my neck whilst I'm in bed than snakes on my neck, even if I wake up feeling like I've been suffocated.

 

[Tinyflame]

And @ladee get this! I'm on a bus this morning and someone had written on the seat ahead of me, " X (the short form of my mom's 1st name, she went by her middle) Y (my dad's 1st name written with a z instead of an s, he also went by his middle) & Z (the short form of my sister's name who died, well they all have)" , and the date the day I picked by Big Pup who kept me above ground after 1996 (hence the name Junebug), or the date I joined here (but said 2022).

 

[Tinyflame]

I had a lot of realizations today, after the bus 'note': found a mitten in the morning and thought it's out of season. And so are my trauma thoughts. That was 'then', not 'now'.

Went to buy a mug we are in need of to support Ukraine, and though I could only see a leaf through the cellophane, I thought, each time I have coffee (a lot) it will be the same reminder to turn over a new leaf. Turns out it had beautiful red buds (I love hearts as they pop up everywhere) on the other side. (And as it turned out, heart-shaped leaves as well!). I was uncharacteristically assertive as lady suggested there was another, someone else had it in hand but I kept mine and they let their's go. (the woman there was cute, she was like 'Drats!' ) I usually would let it go but this time I thought, no, one each is also fair, and I think it has more meaning for me, tbh. But I think it's been over 10 years I made a choice like that.

I appreciated that there was acknowledgment of fathers no longer here; it really helped me a lot. I felt present for probably the 1st time. In the 'now' too. I guess grief is important to acknowledge. Well really lucky it was as didn't think I needed it. Really didn't expect to 'believe' my dad could still be 'present'.

I realized I've been expecting trust (and maybe safety too?) to grow as some passive thing that I am warily waiting for to increase, but it's not at all, it's my choice. And if someone saves your life, the question is not trust-mistrust, but why possibly wouldn't I trust?, that is the real question. I mean, it's all been me, the onus has been mine but I couldn't see that. And now I will choose that. Although wow. What, or how, could anyone prove more?

I think too I've not been so thankful avoiding SI as I should, because I didn't feel the desire to 'stay'.

I realize I felt more like 'me' probably because I just was more like me? And I met so many very nice people all day!

I stopped myself 3 or 4 times from defaulting in my thoughts to sadness, worry. Like one really nice guy getting groceries gave me his bags and said, "Bless you and your family!" In my head I first thought, I don't have one. But then I thought, that's right, and said "You are so sweet, thank you!" I realize that will probably happen a lot (but I will look at the mug and remember I hope. ) It's definitely worry and catastrophizing that I can't imagine not occurring.

I realize there was kind of a great peace in actually ~accepting I am broken and weary, and the feeling when in need and alone. Burdened, I suppose. But a strange relief to lay it down. And safety.

Oh, and this is funny, considering what I wrote before, I had unexpected ice cream- choc AND vanilla- actually sitting down lol.

I realize it's possible to feel a quiet hope. If I can continue with it, there may be more light and peacefulness to be found. Maybe eventually strength? But peace 'now' is lovely too.

Hope this long write makes sense!

 

[ladee]

I love all the above @CoolBreezeonahotday. I love feeling the 'softness' of your words and knowing you got the cup, the day started with names, and you got to eat ice cream sitting down. Much love and tons of tiny hugs.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you so much @ladee . Yes, 'soft' is a lovely word I know it will be much harder when I'm not alone, but not that different than training a puppy with distractions. And she even got High 5 at 3 months. Though I'm not as smart.

In all seriousness though, shocking but also amazing to realize how skewed (kinder word for it, crazy is ok too) my thoughts or behaviours can be.

Oh! And I discovered a comfort food- Heinz 57 sauce. Could eat it on nearly everything. Except for ice cream.

PS, I always remember how to pronounce your name from what you described to someone here. I love it. Always makes me feel good to see it/ say it. Much love to you also in our journey together (I am honored. ) . Your kindness and sweetness and encouragement and rock-steadiness is palpable. I can never thank you enough. ((((( xoxoxoxox Ladee )))))