I Really Want To Quit

[watundah]

Far.from being an expert at this stuff but I think you need someone who touts themself as a relational therapost, because that is what they bring to tbe table..relationship!

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you for your answers! Really helpful. I went back to therapy and talked to her.
I have been wondering myself if maybe I would work better with a male therapist. It seems weird considering I have been recovering body memories etc. you would think I'd feel safer with females.

She has been my first therapist and when we started I had no idea what to look for and hadn't recovered any body memories yet, or knew what trauma or PTSD meant.

I often feel like I might need someone ya that sees me for me and is more into the relationship. On the other hand by going back to therapy to talk to her, she was like if you worry that I don't care, I do care or I wouldn't have worked with you all this time etc. the thing is in some ways I completely shut down if she says anything nice to me. I can't explain it. I can hear the words but feel no emotion and I want it to stop. So sometimes I start wondering if she is reassuring but I don't remember it, but then it hurts coz I was often made to doubt my reality. I think I might have seen her with tears in eyes possibly? But I try not to look at her in those instances. I get scared. Then I tell myself that I must have imagined it she was probably just sick or something.

Sorry I am rambling here. What I am try to say is I don't know how much it's me that I am unavailable or her. We will see. I will keep seeing her for now. But ya for sure she is not very warm and reassuring and stuff like that with her words. One thing I have heard her say is that she's afraid how I might react or take things. Which made me sad and one time I told her that I didn't like thinking that I scare her like that. Maybe she just worries about things being too much for me, especially since the body memories were very sudden.

Thank you for all your help! I will keep you updated.

 

[mylunareclipse]

So I have been looking at some other therapists online and contacted one on the weekend (a male) and he called me back and we might be able to figure something out? He specializes in trauma therapy for many many years. I was not sure if I could afford the fee initially, but then he said we could maybe work something out or he could refer me to a clinic he knows. He said you need EMDR so I would refer you if we don't figure something out. (I told him that I had body memories that resurfaces all of a sudden).
It was so strange as my therapist hasn't even ever said if I have trauma related symptoms.
It was definitely interesting to have someone even for one minute directly acknowledge what was going on. We'll see what happens next I guess.