I really want to SH today

[SeekingAfrica]

I finally got myself together through the shock of being unemployed all last week and I made detailed plan how and where to look for work. My plan mostly includes roughly the usual 8h a day for looking for jobs, building side-business, learning new things and research. However life doesn't always go as smoothly as a plan and whenever there is a lull in my plans, I need to take a break or anything such, I feel guilty for not optimizing all the chances I've had in life, guilty for not having savings to handle this and guilty that tomorrow I'll need to plead for rent extension. When I'm working and planning I keep doing it one task at a time, always looking at the future, but the idea that I have to hope on my lanlord's good graces to see if I can stay here or if I will need to move back home for couple of months or have to couchsurf with friends or something makes me sick. It doesn't change the plan, and thank God for once I sat down and made a realistic plan of what I am trying to achieve... And thank God I have where to stay if needed(I think/hope) but whenever the guilt hits me, I start thinking that getting into this situation and not having savings is unforgivable and I don't deserve a week/2 weeks/couple months or whatever time it may take me to get myself together.

That I deserve nothing good and this situation is result of my own stupidity (and not the lack of knowledge that if your anxiety is starting to prevent you from doing almost any regular daily activity, it's okay to stop pushing and go get help). I feel so sick with guilt and regret that I start to feel the desire to cut in preparation of the meeting tomorrow. Whenever I get unproductive moment I feel this regret and guilt and shame over the situation. I start feeling like I got myself in that situation and hence don't deserve taking any breaks until I figure out what happens next. I know this is over-exaggerated thinking and that taking responsibility for what's happened until now doesn't mean exhausting myself or self-harming, but every once in a while when I take a break that feeling hits me. So here I am writing about it, hoping I don't sound entirely crazy and hoping that write will somehow possibly keep me from doing...

 

[Friday]

Of course you want to self harm. You’ve got stress up to your eyeballs, 12,000 new things going, and SH is an old friend.

1.

I start feeling like I got myself in that situation and hence don't deserve taking any breaks until I figure out what happens next. I know this is over-exaggerated thinking and that taking responsibility for what's happened until now doesn't mean exhausting myself

This. You already know it’s a cognitive distortion, continuing to counter it IS the right thing to be doing.

2. With all of the NEW (and uncertain futures) stuff going on, can you find any other OLD well worn comfy activities to slip into... on the healthy side of the line instead of the unhealthy? Old friends you’d like to dust off and bring into your life? >>> One of the tricks I’ve found with nuclear coping mechanisms is that they’re rarely just “too much stress”. The reason why I want that one right there both gets a little complicated AND gives me the key to see what else is missing in my life.

The punishing aspect of self harm you’ve already looked at / is tied into the cognitive distortion above (I’m going to list it, anyway). Can you brainstorm some of the other “gets” from this particular coping mechanism. I can start off with a few of my own, as well as what’s alread been discussed above, but they may or may not be the big hooks for you

• Pain = Punishing Myself = It’s my fault = Control Issuses = I feel out of control = Doing something precise/exacting that I’m good at
• Old coping mechanism = too much new in my life = wanting something familiar and well understood
• Sudden jolt of adrenaline = Wakeup = I’m Tired = Rest & Breaks & Refresh
• Endorphine dump = Painkillers = I’m in pain = Other forms of pain management.
• Endorphine dump = Feel Good = I feel bad = Need some fun/happy
• Etc.

So for ME... where I’d start off isn’t trying to find one thing that does all of that, but as many different things as need be to bring them all in. Once I meet those needs, elsewhere? I almost never need/crave/now!/want the nuclear coping mechanism. Because I’m meeting the needs it would meet. If I am still craving the old coping mechanism? Then I’ve usually missed seeing one of the things it does for me. Reevaluate, and voila. Each and every single time.

 

[Rani G2]

hoping I don't sound entirely crazy and hoping that write will somehow possibly keep me from doing...

@SeekingAfrica I can relate to having existential Angst (If it can be described that way) It’s very hard to deal with feelings of guilt, self blame... sending support !

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@Friday Nope, I think what you said about covers it. I made this precise plan, but I've spend 6 concentrated hours studying, researching and applying and I am fairly certain it has all been new to me. I may get a rent extension tomorrow. I may get one or 2 new 'gigs'. I may or may not get 1 of several clients I reached out to. Everything has loads of new information and although that is the point of the plan, to get to better work state eventually, doing so much new things is a. still leaving me feeling uncertain to a point where I'm ready to cry for something familiar, for getting any of my old comfortable jobs. and b. I have not done so much study/research at once since I was in university. My brain is exhausted. My body is exhausted.

All I want is comfort. And possibly knowing what happens tomorrow. I'm in pain and uncertain and uncomfortable and because I'm exhausted I am pretty much having a very low bar of resisting comfort things (my favorite tv shows, or going out and getting my favorite junk foods and beer even though I should save given that I don't know what's next). All I want is something that will drown out the questions about what happens next until tomorrow, because I don't have any say in that. Something to make me feel like I am in control of...something in my life. That I will get through this somehow. Which I know I will, I think I can adapt to whatever happens, but the hardest part is having no idea what I will need to adapt to. I have this voice in me saying are you insane, you can't pull this off, this gigantic change in my work and creating a business with no income flow for this week. Are you insane, I don't care how much you know, do you really think you can pull this off? All I want is to stop thinking of the chaos my day is tomorrow (the rent talk, working a rush job if I get it, applying for more work if I don't and some more new stuff related to the side business). All I want is to eat what I always eat under stress and to just melt until tomorrow, to do nothing more for the day and eat sweet stuff and drink cappuchino and watch TV in my bed covered in blankets. And the insane part is that now the part of me that wants junk food is fighting the part of me that is too anxious to go outside right now.

Thank you for telling me that this is normal response to this situation though, there is certain comfort in that.
I totally agree about the needs you mentioned, but my head is racing and it's hard to pick and choose what healthy things will actually help.

I stopped what I was doing and I am now trying to cook dinner, but beyond that I have no clue.
I suppose home projects or planning a project of any sort helps me feel in control(like organizing for example) but right now I feel too depleated to have space for any more new information today. I feel wiped, like I used all my capacity to process information for the day and I now want to be on the receiving end of it. I don't think I have energy to even go outside at all, hence trying to cook... This feeling is the reason I need to have things written that work for moments like this.

And yeah... punishing will very nicely tune out everything else, I suppose. It's powerful emotion that fits to the situation in it's own way, and it doesn't require too much out of me(if that makes sense).

p.s. I am almost done cooking (not that it's super big thing, pasta and tomato sauce) and I just thought of one more thing.
This kind of situation makes me feel like there is scarcity of options and resources (despite all the new stuff I did today). Lack of resources always makes me feel stuck in a corner with only the bad options in front of me.

Usually something ridiculously simple and pragmatic helps me not feel this way. One example is buying a new planner/notebook and watching a bunch of organization/planning videos and then starting to tackle some area of my life that is in need of it. And then it feels like there are all these new possibilities to get my life in order. However I am out of empty notebooks and this is not the time for more purchases. I have 1 week worth of food money that has to last me unknown amount of time. Plus back to the savings point, any next excess of money should form some savings if minimal.
I feel tiny tiny amount better now that I have dinner. And that is about as much as I can comprehend right now. I am also trying to tell myself that tomorrrow after the talk is done I can give myself couple hours to digest the result- whatever happens, it's still emotional talk, so...yeah.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I held myself together for the talk and now I still can't function, like I'm sick. I still feel like SH. Though I haven't done anything, so that's something, right?

 

[Ronin]

I still can't function, like I'm sick.

Just checking: Is it likely you are actually catching something? Just thinking since you had so much organizing to throw yourself into and taking care of not being totally bulldozered by it all, maybe you didn't have much time to breathe out and care for how healthy you are at the time or what you may need?

haven't done anything, so that's something

A big something. Congrats. :)

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Just checking: Is it likely you are actually catching something? Just thinking since you had so much organizing to throw yourself into and taking care of not being totally bulldozered by it all, maybe you didn't have much time to breathe out and care for how healthy you are at the time or what you may need?


A big something. Congrats. :)

Yup. I've been sick since Tuesday, got some flu-like virus that's been going around... Didn't want to 'allow' it, since I don't have time to be sick right now, but I had to do a lot from bed in the last days. Drift in and out, sleep because of the fever and then do 1-2 tasks and again...the full plan involving more than 8h of job search will need to wait until next week- hopefully I should be okay by then.

And thanks, I have been fighting that desire for SH. It's still there and coming back to me- but I have taken it one day at a time and so far I've managed! Haven't done anything although I've wanted to on several occasions this week. Especially when I had to ask for extension for paying rent, that was not a pretty feeling and it pushed me in a dark place for a bit. But still have not acted on it!

 

[DharmaGirl]

Oh darlin, you are so hard on yourself. I think about you often. Don't feel bad about a rent extension, our President declared bankruptcy 4 times, and even though he is a billionaire, he hasn't made good on any of the debts. You are better than him.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Oh darlin, you are so hard on yourself. I think about you often. Don't feel bad about a rent extension, our President declared bankruptcy 4 times, and even though he is a billionaire, he hasn't made good on any of the debts. You are better than him.

Well that is an original way to think of it?. I didn't know that. Thank you so much, the way you said that made me feel so much better. I've been taking some steps forward, but not at the pace I would like, being sick and all. And having to ask for help made me feel so low. I had to ask for rent extension few times in the last year, and I was sure this time there was 50/50 chance of getting evicted. And my landlord also wasn't sure what to do and we talked about everything for half an hour before he agreed and I had the feeling my heart will stop, not knowing if I'll have to uproot my life and crash with my parents for few weeks,. And then I got sick so my work this week has literally been sleep- work- sleep-work, which is exhausting. I think one way or another everything will fall into place, but for now I am just looking forward to being healthier soon. I need to go out to get groceries and I swear I have no energy for it. So yeah, this week has been hard but I am trying to do any new work I do get because I need it. Step by step, right?

 

[DharmaGirl]

Right! Some groceries deliver with a free delivery with a first order. Can you do that? You need to get in some calories, either in your drinks or foods. You know that, I know.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Right! Some groceries deliver with a free delivery with a first order. Can you do that? You need to get in some calories, either in your drinks or foods. You know that, I know.

Not really, grocery deliveries around here are fairly knew and all of them seem to be for a minimum amount that I would spend for a week (granted my budget is seriously reduced because of the job search). I did go out today though to the pharmacy and got few groceries, most of them of the liquid kind, but better than nothing. Planning to make one of those 10min soups tomorrow too. And hoping to manage to go to my ballet class to watch- I don't want to get behind on choreography. Wanted to go today too but it wasn't an option. Felt good for like an hour today and got immediate anxiety about the mess around the house and being behind on job search, what a job... but I'm taking things one at a time. Got T session next week, few interviews and some help... I'm trying to utilize every resource available to me to get my life in control once I feel better.

 

[DharmaGirl]

You work hard. You will succeed.