General I recently discovered my wife was raped. how to deal with her secrecy?

[joeylittle]

Let’s dig and search together for understanding and cooperation. Maybe playing nicely together, with someone would feel better.

Two ways to do this: one is to simply not engage (or use the ignore function, as has been suggested) - and two is to get along.

Never have I seen telling someone else what to do work as a successful strategy.

If either of you (@EveHarrington or @Bkinder) were the OP, it would be a different story. Since you are not, and I'd like to see the thread get back to the OP, you've both been thread-banned. You've said everything you need to say to each other, and you've given comments to the OP that they can use or ignore, as they wish.

Now, it's time to disconnect.

Any further issues, take them to a help-ticket.

 

[Freida]

we are going to start building a new future with a past that includes memories of this rape together and how we got past it. my part is to get over being unable to act on the ideas I had about this kind of thing up until it happened and to start acting on the new ideas I am working on now, as we move forward together.

I love this. I will add a small caution that she may not be quite ready to do this -- but knowing that you are there when she is? That will make a world of difference

All your emotions are valid. It's OK to be upset with your partner, or feel like they betrayed you

It's about feeling what you need to feel and processing it in a healthy way. It's OK to get pissed off. It's OK to feel hurt. It's OK to grieve. You have to allow yourself that process.

@Sweetpea76 is correct (as usual! :):)) I try to look at it from the supporter point of view but since I'm the sufferer sometimes it's hard to remember you all have feelings too. Sometimes when I'm in crisis mode I actually forget that. Truly. I don't understand my supporters want to help me. So I don't think of them at all. It doesn't mean I don't care. It means that part of my brain just turns off. Often I need to be reminded to stop for a second and remember how much supporters care and they really do want to share my pain.

but how can i ever act in a positive way to the strong desire to hunt down and kill this asshole? I

ok..I have zero words of wisdom on how to sort this out...... But...... Knowing hubby wants to track down and kill my monster actually makes me kind of happy. Because it makes me think he is upset someone hurt me. But showing me that anger when I'm in crisis mode? Somehow gets turned around to ME being the cause of his anger. Like if I didn't create this situation he wouldn't be so mad. And yep. I get that is not reasonable thinking -- when I'm in a stable mindset. But hey - that's why they call it disordered thinking! So your feeling that way isn't a bad thing at all. What I do with it as a sufferer is the challenge.

 

[user27357]

follow up, one week after the discovery of her rape, I have seen my counselor, she has seen hers. I was given the good advice to be patient. I am and have been patient with her PTSD and all of the baggage for as long as I can remember, I have been patient with her physical stuff like helping her through carpal tunnel and a hip replacement. I have been patient for a year and a half of no sexual interesrt or arousal.

I sought advice, i took it to heart, and I am being patient. I wish I hadn't shared that with her now, she knows I am supposed to be patient and damn it, if i am not suitably patient I am an instant asshole for it.

Now, I get dinged if I am impatient because she wants to sleep in when we have a busy day ahead of us and waiting around means frantic recovery later. I get dinged for being impatient when I just made a meal, got her up and moving and she wants to go smoke a cigarette alone outside instead of eating it while it is still warm together.

The fact is, we were pretty much living seperate lives before this rape, the stress on our relationship was compounded by it, and now, with the additional stress of my knowing about it and her having to relive it, I am facing a hopelessly long recovery to anything like a marriage with 2 participants.

Today, we have a concert to go to. Going to concerts is something we both enjoy, from grade school christmas shows to rock tours to the state symphony. We go all the time, at least 2 a month. We have to work together to get ready to go, do a road trip together, be there on time with tickets in hand and stay in a hotel together tonight. Tomorrow we have to get up and check out on time and do the road trrip back.

I am going to try to be patient, but I will tell you what, i am not going to wear a watch! If we are running late and I get caught looking at it, I am an instant asshole again.

She has let this patience with her recovery thing become a tool for forcing me to exhibit patience with her not being a participant in our marriage or life in general. Patience with her recovery is one thing, but patience while things that need to be done go undone is quite another. time marches on. Patience gets trampled by it.

Patience is not something you can fake, and false patience is easily spotted. I may end up wishing I had decided to let the tickets go to waste.

Maybe what I need is true patience and a willingness to just let things go to shit and nothing getting done, ever. Anything less and I am an asshole for it.

500 mg. of screwitall would get me there, now I need a prescriber.

This morning I am thinking about giving up and just being patient alone while I wait for retirement and death. maybe I already have, maybe I already am.

 

[user27357]

that was all about me, huh?

She is in a fog but thats nothing new, and her lack of participation in life is nothing new either. She was able to take care of our little granddaughter this past week and with me at home from work she had more time to enjoy the time with shorty. It was fun to see her light up when she taught her that dogs go WOOF! and where her belly is and where grandmas belly is. She blooms like a rose around kids and it was good to see. They slept together, hung together all day, and napped when the mood struck. I am proud to provide a safe place and the time she needs to do it, it was good for me too just watching them. Today we go see a favorite band tonight and she seemed excited about it but so far this day is less about being concert day and more about being first day without granddaughter here visiting.

I don't think she is reliving the rape like everyone feared, I don't think that being caught in a secret is that much weight on her either. If anything, she is probably getting pretty good at hiding how she feels about it and thats a skill she is putting to use.

I dont know and I am not supposed to ask.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Frustration is a human emotion, and you're only human. Don't beat yourself up too much about being frustrated.

Supporters don't get a lot of support. Venting to people who understand helps. Getting it out helps to process it all.

 

[Suzetig]

It’s one thing to say you need patience, it’s quite another for someone to play and play on that.

No sex is a huge thing in a relationship and while you now know the reason for that, what did you think was happening with her at the time? I think her not wanting sex is understandable in the circumstances but my expectation would be that she is actively working on her recovery, including working towards some level of intimacy in the relationship.

I also think expecting her to be reasonably respectful and courteous to you is fair enough - even with PTSD she has some control over her behaviour. You’re not an instant arsehole for wanting her to actively engage in your relationship - she may not be able to give you what you want and then it becomes a decision of how long you wait, knowing she may never get there.

Bearing in mind the relationship wasn’t great before her rape, you may want to consider how much capacity she has to be in a relationship at all, PTSD or not.

 

[katz]

Just some basic background- I am PTSD sufferer, childhood abuse, physical trauma, EMS first responder. S...

When I was attacked, I was very young. He told me that he would "kill my family" if I told. Your wife may be holding on to something that the *** said. You may never know what it was.

You should just accept that it happened and be there for her support. It's right now that she needs you the most.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@katz he never doubted her and he is bending over backwards to support her. That's not really what this thread is about though.

As a supporter he has to work through his own emotions as well. We're not just supporting machines with no reactions, opinions, or emotions of our own. He's venting here in order to work through all this.

 

[Friday]

It natural to feel betrayed. Whether we’re aware of it or not, and especially if we’re not, we usually have little scenarios in our heads of “what would we do IF”.

When the people we love break those expectations / the scenario as we envision it never happens? It’s a double hit. Not only were they hurt, but our illusion shatters; when “what IF” doesn’t play out the way we envision... and it can do a seeeeeerrious number on both our heads & trust/security.

Whatever your expectations were if someone hurt your wife? That you’d be there in the hospital after getting a call, that she’d walk through the front door a bloodynor tearful mess and need you, that after she sorted herself out you would be the person she would turn to first...

...that didn’t happen.

It’s a serious blow. Not only did someone hurt her, but how the hell are you supposed to protect someone who cuts you out, and leaves you out of it? How are you supposed to be there for them, when they obviously don’t want you there, don’t trust you, hide things from you, straight up lie to you?

It’s also pretty natural to be pissed as hell at them, about all of that.

And still hurt for them. Still want to eat your own pain to take care of them. To do anything to make them feel better. Be torn as to when/where/who to direct all the rage/hurt/confusion at.

It’s a complicated as f*ck series of reactions.

I can’t speak for her. I don’t know why she didn’t tell you. Maybe your worst fears, (also can’t speak to yours, but to me that would be not being trusted), maybe your best hopes (their best way of trying to protect me). Maybe something you never thought of, or something in between.

Regardless, you’ve got some hell to walk through. Acknowledging that? Ain’t wrong. It just is. What happens to the people we love? Affects us. And how we’re affected, affects the people we love.

 

[user27357]

yep^^^.

I can think of about a thousand things I would do to help if I hadn't taken the time and trouble to ask and read about how to help. They would have all been the wrong things to do, but seemed like the things to do and being a hammerhead male I would probably still do them if I lost sight of the fact that I shouldn't.

Guys want to rush to a solution, or at least work the problem until it is solveable, thats what keeps me in my PTSD spirals actually, trying to solve old problems over and over.

Women like my wife want to just get past it.

All I know is when and where and that a vehicle was involved. I know she showered after tossed her ripped clothing and got checked for STD's, thats it. I want to go to the place and look for cameras and ask for video if there was one, i want to sell the vehicle so she never has to look at it again. I want to search police records for similar cases at or near the same time and place, i want to ask if there was a threat, if she was able to see the guy, and on and on and on.

She just wants to sleep at night and get past it.

I want to buy cameras for our yard and doorways, she wants to feel safe without being reminded of why every time she sees one of them.

I want to ask about it and get her talking, she doesn't want to waste energy on being upset by something she cant change.

I want to go kill someone, she wants to lose herself in living her life and feeling lucky to be doing so.

I want to try to un-rape my wife, she wants to maintain control over how it is handled.

Of course she is OK to do what she has to do and of course I have to be OK with not doing all of the stupid things my cave man level thinking tells me I need to do.

just knowing that isn't enough to silence the voices that tell me to do the thousand things I know I shouldn't do. This is hard stuff.

 

[user27357]

And I have come to accept that keeping it to herself was her way of coping, learned years ago in similar situations. It is her only control over all of this, it protected me and my son from it, but more than that our daughter and granddaughter who were in enough stress and turmoil at the time. If she didn't trust me it was because she knows me and that I would have cave manned all over it, with son involved and daughter and granddaughter in even more stress than they already were. We had a life and death situation going there with them already, keeping it a secret from me was her way to keep it from them for sure. I am now helping her make sure they never find out.

could have handled it better, sure. handled it the way she knew how and what she saw as best for everyone in general? nailed it.

 

[Hojay]

You don’t have to be a caveman to want to do all of the above. Or rather, that would make me a cave woman because something very similar happened between me and my guy and what you describe above echoes my feelings exactly.

I don’t have any answers, sadly. My partner also wants to get past it, is struggling to, and is shutting me out on the process. It’s incredibly difficult. You know that radar you have for the person you love, that gut feeling, intuition? Yeah, that’s been tanked. And then there’s the denial and blatantly misguided repression, and the stonewalling, and words spoken that basically amount to “the person I was is gone and the person I am now you will never fully know,” and yes, this has been a mindfork of a situation. I’m sorry you’re going through this too.