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Deleted member 1860
My apologies that this is so long. I avoid posting long topics because short ones are easier to read, however, I need to go in depth with this one.
And I'm not sure exactly where to start, so I'll just jump right in...
Background: For 33 years of my life my mother has slammed religion. Every chance she got, she put it down. She would say things like "only stupid people believe" and she was insanely resentful of my father's involvement with the church. It got so bad that my father gave in and stopped going all together when I was about 11 or so. My dad and I started going to church again within the past two years. I found this to be INCREDIBLY healing and helpful to me. I built up a rapport with my reverend and she was a source of support to me.
As of late, my mom has SEEMINGLY done a 180. She is actually getting involved with the church, going to classes, services, etc. Ok, fine, I don't have a problem with her finding God, if that's actually what she's doing. And I hesitate to even say this because I'm going to sound like a total witch. But, I don't buy it, not for a second.
You see, my mom is an abusive control freak. She has to control EVERYTHING. It drives her nuts that my dad FINALLY got up the nerve to leave her last year because now she can't control him anymore. I'll elaborate more to show you my point. For the last 5+ years my mom has refused to go on vacation with the rest of the family. She turns herself into the victim by telling everyone that she wasn't invited. But, it's all a big big lie because she was invited each and every year. Last summer, the first summer of the separation between my parents, my mom was not invited on vacation. So what does little miss control freak do? She tries to invite herself on vacation with the rest of us, laying on the guilt that this may be the last time she can go on vacation with her kids, blah blah blah. Well, it didn't work, and the decision was unanimous amongst the rest of us that she was not coming with us.
Another example.... My sister is the most traditional amongst our immediate family. She got married last spring and it was her decision to have only my father walk her down the aisle. My mom wanted to walk her down the aisle as well, and it made her mad that my sister decided otherwise. She threw a fit, saying that everyone was abandoning her, and that my dad made the decision for my sister, which was completely not true at all. My sister may seem quiet, but she's got a strong will and makes her own decisions. Even to this day, my mom throws out comments saying how she's mad that everyone left her out that day, blah blah blah. Really, it was almost the perfect wedding, but because my mom couldn't control everything, she decides to continue to put it down.
So you can see that clearly she has control issues. I do believe that people can change, however, I believe that her sudden interest in the church isn't about God or spirituality or any of the like, so much as it's about control. Why? Well, she continues to try and insert herself into activities that involve my dad and my brother and I. I went out to dinner with her the other night and she lays this huge guilt trip on me about how we don't invite her to baseball games and she asks when we're going to a game this summer. Well, the truth is that she always hated going to games in the past. And now that we're going to games without her, it drives her nuts. Long story short, she's NOT getting invited to any games with us this summer. If she was really changing, she wouldn't continue with the manipulation tactics.
So to the heart of the matter. I HATE that she's now going to the same church as my dad and I. My church was one of my safe places, and now that she, someone who has emotionally abused me for my whole life, is going there, I don't feel safe! If she REALLY wanted to find God, she could have gone to any one of the other dozens of churches in our area, two of which are of the same denomination. WHY this one?!? Church was something that my dad and I went to together. It was something we did together because we have similar beliefs. And now I don't feel safe there.
No, she can't take away anything from my relationship with God, but at the same time I don't even feel safe at Church, and I don't have that many places where I feel safe! It's gotten so bad that I am considering going to one of the other churches in my area of the same denomination.
And I know this is all compounded by the fact that my sexual abuse was at the hands of someone in the church. It's taken me a long time to get to this point in my spirituality, and I hate feeling like I can't even go to church anymore.
My mom's control attempts continue. I didn't go to church today, Palm Sunday, because she was going to be there. I really wanted to go, too. She is trying to involve herself in Easter Sunday activities, but I've made the decision to not spend anymore holidays with her. Really, this is the last straw. I refuse to have her manipulate me in areas of my spirituality.
My dad seems to be more forgiving. I see this as pure manipulation tactics. And I refuse to give in.
I don't know what I'm really looking for in the way of a response. Just some support, I guess.
And I'm not sure exactly where to start, so I'll just jump right in...
Background: For 33 years of my life my mother has slammed religion. Every chance she got, she put it down. She would say things like "only stupid people believe" and she was insanely resentful of my father's involvement with the church. It got so bad that my father gave in and stopped going all together when I was about 11 or so. My dad and I started going to church again within the past two years. I found this to be INCREDIBLY healing and helpful to me. I built up a rapport with my reverend and she was a source of support to me.
As of late, my mom has SEEMINGLY done a 180. She is actually getting involved with the church, going to classes, services, etc. Ok, fine, I don't have a problem with her finding God, if that's actually what she's doing. And I hesitate to even say this because I'm going to sound like a total witch. But, I don't buy it, not for a second.
You see, my mom is an abusive control freak. She has to control EVERYTHING. It drives her nuts that my dad FINALLY got up the nerve to leave her last year because now she can't control him anymore. I'll elaborate more to show you my point. For the last 5+ years my mom has refused to go on vacation with the rest of the family. She turns herself into the victim by telling everyone that she wasn't invited. But, it's all a big big lie because she was invited each and every year. Last summer, the first summer of the separation between my parents, my mom was not invited on vacation. So what does little miss control freak do? She tries to invite herself on vacation with the rest of us, laying on the guilt that this may be the last time she can go on vacation with her kids, blah blah blah. Well, it didn't work, and the decision was unanimous amongst the rest of us that she was not coming with us.
Another example.... My sister is the most traditional amongst our immediate family. She got married last spring and it was her decision to have only my father walk her down the aisle. My mom wanted to walk her down the aisle as well, and it made her mad that my sister decided otherwise. She threw a fit, saying that everyone was abandoning her, and that my dad made the decision for my sister, which was completely not true at all. My sister may seem quiet, but she's got a strong will and makes her own decisions. Even to this day, my mom throws out comments saying how she's mad that everyone left her out that day, blah blah blah. Really, it was almost the perfect wedding, but because my mom couldn't control everything, she decides to continue to put it down.
So you can see that clearly she has control issues. I do believe that people can change, however, I believe that her sudden interest in the church isn't about God or spirituality or any of the like, so much as it's about control. Why? Well, she continues to try and insert herself into activities that involve my dad and my brother and I. I went out to dinner with her the other night and she lays this huge guilt trip on me about how we don't invite her to baseball games and she asks when we're going to a game this summer. Well, the truth is that she always hated going to games in the past. And now that we're going to games without her, it drives her nuts. Long story short, she's NOT getting invited to any games with us this summer. If she was really changing, she wouldn't continue with the manipulation tactics.
So to the heart of the matter. I HATE that she's now going to the same church as my dad and I. My church was one of my safe places, and now that she, someone who has emotionally abused me for my whole life, is going there, I don't feel safe! If she REALLY wanted to find God, she could have gone to any one of the other dozens of churches in our area, two of which are of the same denomination. WHY this one?!? Church was something that my dad and I went to together. It was something we did together because we have similar beliefs. And now I don't feel safe there.
No, she can't take away anything from my relationship with God, but at the same time I don't even feel safe at Church, and I don't have that many places where I feel safe! It's gotten so bad that I am considering going to one of the other churches in my area of the same denomination.
And I know this is all compounded by the fact that my sexual abuse was at the hands of someone in the church. It's taken me a long time to get to this point in my spirituality, and I hate feeling like I can't even go to church anymore.
My mom's control attempts continue. I didn't go to church today, Palm Sunday, because she was going to be there. I really wanted to go, too. She is trying to involve herself in Easter Sunday activities, but I've made the decision to not spend anymore holidays with her. Really, this is the last straw. I refuse to have her manipulate me in areas of my spirituality.
My dad seems to be more forgiving. I see this as pure manipulation tactics. And I refuse to give in.
I don't know what I'm really looking for in the way of a response. Just some support, I guess.
