Muttly
MyPTSD Pro
I guess maybe this is an accountability thread? The short summary for those that don't know. I've had chronic back issues for years. Had one surgery. Last October I hurt my back again. Tried everything and conclusion was I need a spinal fusion. That got delayed because of covid. It is about 3 weeks away. I was off work for a time and then went back to work, part-time and light duty. My work is super supportive. In spite of that, I am getting worse and the treatments that have kept things to an almost manageable level have stopped working. If I try to be honest and ignore the voices in my head that say I'm exaggerating, weak, etc. It's bad. I've left early the past few days, from my part-time shift. I've had pain so bad I feel like throwing up, don't feel like I should have been driving and have pondered going to the ER. Today I dragged myself in, knowing I'd leave early again. I had thoughts of suicide driving into work. In so many ways, I'm in the best place I've ever been mentally. I really, really want to live. The thoughts were just because that thought is so familiar and the pain, exhaustion and feeling trapped so bad.
And when I thought about it logically, at this point I'd make more money if I went on medical leave, because of how few hours I'm working. It would also protect my insurance. I'm working so few hours it won't be covered. And I can't do this anymore. If it was anyone but me, I'd say that going to work when it's that painful and seems to be making things worse is the wrong choice. I am confident my doctor will give me a medical leave. So what's stopping me? My work is also something I care about deeply and we've been chronically short staffed. We are close to getting well staffed but not there. And in my brain, I'm abandoning them if I take leave now. It will make it hard on everyone else. And when we get too short staffed, we turn away pets (I work at a vet clinic), or worse, cancel appointments.
I guess it's not just that stopping me. It's the feeling of being a failure. I know that's probably a cognitive distortion. It just seems like, I should be able to muscle through a few more weeks. I'm in pain, big deal. If I tried hard enough I could do it.
And when I thought about it logically, at this point I'd make more money if I went on medical leave, because of how few hours I'm working. It would also protect my insurance. I'm working so few hours it won't be covered. And I can't do this anymore. If it was anyone but me, I'd say that going to work when it's that painful and seems to be making things worse is the wrong choice. I am confident my doctor will give me a medical leave. So what's stopping me? My work is also something I care about deeply and we've been chronically short staffed. We are close to getting well staffed but not there. And in my brain, I'm abandoning them if I take leave now. It will make it hard on everyone else. And when we get too short staffed, we turn away pets (I work at a vet clinic), or worse, cancel appointments.
I guess it's not just that stopping me. It's the feeling of being a failure. I know that's probably a cognitive distortion. It just seems like, I should be able to muscle through a few more weeks. I'm in pain, big deal. If I tried hard enough I could do it.