I slept with my therapist, now what?

Valley

New Here
@Valley i understand how you are feeling, I was in the exact same spot last year. I felt I couldn’t live without her but in reality looking back now I wasn’t living with her. I was always trying to make her happy, impress her do whatever she wanted. It was not me and made me feel worse about myself.
I couldn’t see that my therapist was a narcissist when I was in the relationship either. As soon as I started to separate it became very clear and now when I look back I can see all the signs like there is a spotlight focusing on it!
I understand the transference making you feel like a child! I felt the same way but to break that transference you have to break away completely. Trust me. I didn’t think I could do it and I didn’t think I would be able to survive if I did do it but I am in such a better place. I am back to myself. I am not obsessing about someone else.
My extherapist tried to hang on but then turned very mean. It was eye opening. I blocked her in everything including people we knew mutually. She did not like that. Best thing I ever did!
@Bird33 I believe you. Because I swear to you. Everything you’ve written is my experience. Forgive me for bringing this up, but you had a few sexual encounters. Am I correct? You see.. I want her so badly.. at least you’ve had her. Geeze I can’t believe I just wrote that. I am married and I’ve never been with a woman. But I’m not interested in women.. only her. Just her. THAT is why this makes me feel insane. I can’t trust my own feelings.
Where you in love with her?
Also.. is there a way we can speak privately on this forum or elsewhere?
 

Bird33

MyPTSD Pro
@Bird33 I believe you. Because I swear to you. Everything you’ve written is my experience. Forgive me for bringing this up, but you had a few sexual encounters. Am I correct? You see.. I want her so badly.. at least you’ve had her. Geeze I can’t believe I just wrote that. I am married and I’ve never been with a woman. But I’m not interested in women.. only her. Just her. THAT is why this makes me feel insane. I can’t trust my own feelings.
Where you in love with her?
Also.. is there a way we can speak privately on this forum or elsewhere?
@Valley i know exactly how you are feeling. I felt the same way about her. I was in love and I am happily married and never interested in women. It was erotic transference not feelings for her! Please realize that. It was torture for me and I understand and see the torture you are dealing with. I had no control over it. We did have a couple of sexual experiences and even though I was attracted to her and loved her I was ambivalent about have relations with her bc of my marriage. I have never been unfaithful and she knew that but she exploited my need to heal from my trauma. She was a massage therapist in the past and said she would give me a massage to release the trauma and some things happened. I froze bc of my past. All of this that you are talking about is so raw for me. I want to help you bc I can tell it is exactly the way I felt. I would like to talk to you privately more about this but not sure how.
 

Valley

New Here
@Valley i know exactly how you are feeling. I felt the same way about her. I was in love and I am happily married and never interested in women. It was erotic transference not feelings for her! Please realize that. It was torture for me and I understand and see the torture you are dealing with. I had no control over it. We did have a couple of sexual experiences and even though I was attracted to her and loved her I was ambivalent about have relations with her bc of my marriage. I have never been unfaithful and she knew that but she exploited my need to heal from my trauma. She was a massage therapist in the past and said she would give me a massage to release the trauma and some things happened. I froze bc of my past. All of this that you are talking about is so raw for me. I want to help you bc I can tell it is exactly the way I felt. I would like to talk to you privately more about this but not sure how.
@Bird33 I’m sorry, I thought your experiences were consensual and part of the nice memories you had with her. My heart hurts for you.
It concerns me that I would be willing to do anything to be with her including being unfaithful. I’ve always been faithful to my husband. Did you feel jealous? I hate when she talks about her other friends or her lovers. I feel jealousy in regards to her husband but only because I have no respect for him. I can’t believe she married this guy and he gets to live his life with her. She has relationships with people and she labels them as amazing and it drives me crazy. It makes me feel insecure something that I’ve never felt before. She brings that out in me. I compare myself to these people and just can’t believe she doesn’t want me.
I will do some research on erotic transference.
When I was young. I never chased anyone romantically because I wasn’t willing to be vulnerable. Fortunately I have a pleasant personality and I’m not unfortunate looking so I was never without someone who was interested in me. People thought I was confident when in reality I was just unwilling to put myself in a situation where there was the potential of being rejected as I experienced the worst rejection a human can feel.. I was rejected by my mother. So I never learned those hard human experiences. So today I find myself as a middle age woman being rejected by her ex therapist who became a close friend and I have no coping mechanisms. I didn’t experience any transference in the therapeutic relationship.. that happened afterwards. But the minute I walked into her office I felt this immediate attraction that I couldn’t really understand. That’s why I left therapy after a year. I knew that she couldn’t be my therapist because I was attracted to her and I wasn’t being truthful. I was lying by omission. I felt her energy too. I’m not naive. She denies it today. Maybe it was because of her substance abuse problem that made her flirtatious. Or maybe I was just looking for and misinterpreting signs. Like I said... not dating experience. But I had a 1% hope.. that maybe she felt the same about me. Man was I wrong. It literally brought me to my knees. And now.. here I am .. with a broken heart and more confused than ever. You responding to me has helped me feel less lonely. I thank you for that. This is a difficult situation and I’m learning from your story. I don’t want to open up old wounds for you. Please let me know if this is too much for you.
 

Bird33

MyPTSD Pro
@Bird33 I’m sorry, I thought your experiences were consensual and part of the nice memories you had with her. My heart hurts for you.
It concerns me that I would be willing to do anything to be with her including being unfaithful. I’ve always been faithful to my husband. Did you feel jealous? I hate when she talks about her other friends or her lovers. I feel jealousy in regards to her husband but only because I have no respect for him. I can’t believe she married this guy and he gets to live his life with her. She has relationships with people and she labels them as amazing and it drives me crazy. It makes me feel insecure something that I’ve never felt before. She brings that out in me. I compare myself to these people and just can’t believe she doesn’t want me.
I will do some research on erotic transference.
When I was young. I never chased anyone romantically because I wasn’t willing to be vulnerable. Fortunately I have a pleasant personality and I’m not unfortunate looking so I was never without someone who was interested in me. People thought I was confident when in reality I was just unwilling to put myself in a situation where there was the potential of being rejected as I experienced the worst rejection a human can feel.. I was rejected by my mother. So I never learned those hard human experiences. So today I find myself as a middle age woman being rejected by her ex therapist who became a close friend and I have no coping mechanisms. I didn’t experience any transference in the therapeutic relationship.. that happened afterwards. But the minute I walked into her office I felt this immediate attraction that I couldn’t really understand. That’s why I left therapy after a year. I knew that she couldn’t be my therapist because I was attracted to her and I wasn’t being truthful. I was lying by omission. I felt her energy too. I’m not naive. She denies it today. Maybe it was because of her substance abuse problem that made her flirtatious. Or maybe I was just looking for and misinterpreting signs. Like I said... not dating experience. But I had a 1% hope.. that maybe she felt the same about me. Man was I wrong. It literally brought me to my knees. And now.. here I am .. with a broken heart and more confused than ever. You responding to me has helped me feel less lonely. I thank you for that. This is a difficult situation and I’m learning from your story. I don’t want to open up old wounds for you. Please let me know if this is too much for you.
@Valley you say you didn’t experience transference in therapy but say you had immediate attraction; that is erotic transference. Everything you said I felt. The jealousy the attraction, I didn’t understand it but there was this pull towards her. I believe this is all because you felt rejected by your mother. It totally makes sense. Finally someone was fully paying attention to you and wanting to know you. I felt the same way with my ex therapist. This torture isn’t helping you. Until you leave her completely you will continue to be tortured and it will be too hard to see clearly. When you are in the middle of it, it is too difficult to see. Not until I broke free did I see what everyone was telling me and it became very clear and I felt awful. I still feel awful for falling for yet another perpetrator. Yes I said perpetrator. That’s exactly what she isand what mine was. She made me feel special told me I had to keep a secret and took advantage of her power. It was just like what my grandfather did to me when I was little and being sexually abused by him. It was so scary but it became so clear to me when I was talking about it with my therapist currently. It was a reenactment. I couldn’t see it when I was deep in it, when I left the clouds lifted.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
thank you for replying. I don’t know if I can stop.
Let's rephrase your....I don't know if I can stop to....I don't really want to stop.....but it does sound like she has regrets......

You can not go back...tis that simple.....and if you need therapy.....this may put a wrench in the trust/boundaries department future therapy with a different therapist if you don't take action.

If she's horrified, she will stop it....then you'll feel abandoned.......and that alone is a slippery slope

It was her responsibility as a counselor to keep the boundary or say no to you.......more than that....

if she doesn't remember the incident, that sends clear messages that she's seriously not a healthy person for you...........so now you have a dysfunctional therapist with memory loss????

If you call it quits with this therapist....then you will have some self respect left for taking action....once she realizes this is a "lose her license or at the least, a board review and mandated therapeutic supervision" - or time off, or treatment, which can negatively impact her ability to support herself.....you will not likely be so important as her anxiety and consequence increase, and she can't function to do her job and pay her bills....this is a real mess.....good luck on creating a new boundary.
 

Valley

New Here
@Valley you say you didn’t experience transference in therapy but say you had immediate attraction; that is erotic transference. Everything you said I felt. The jealousy the attraction, I didn’t understand it but there was this pull towards her. I believe this is all because you felt rejected by your mother. It totally makes sense. Finally someone was fully paying attention to you and wanting to know you. I felt the same way with my ex therapist. This torture isn’t helping you. Until you leave her completely you will continue to be tortured and it will be too hard to see clearly. When you are in the middle of it, it is too difficult to see. Not until I broke free did I see what everyone was telling me and it became very clear and I felt awful. I still feel awful for falling for yet another perpetrator. Yes I said perpetrator. That’s exactly what she isand what mine was. She made me feel special told me I had to keep a secret and took advantage of her power. It was just like what my grandfather did to me when I was little and being sexually abused by him. It was so scary but it became so clear to me when I was talking about it with my therapist currently. It was a reenactment. I couldn’t see it when I was deep in it, when I left the clouds lifted.
@Bird33 it pains me to know of the abuse you suffered. I can’t even begin to understand how the relationship with your ex therapist must have stirred up all of those feelings.
I read about erotic transference. That really messes with your head. Spot on. You’re right.
I reached out to her. I wanted the pain to stop. She was happy to hear from me as she felt that I had thrown her away like garbage. There have been many conversations over the last few days and as much as that part of me that was hurting has stopped... something inside me is different. I feel disdain. I’m almost repulsed by her. I know that you understand why I went back. I also want to share that this relationship has changed. Because I’ve changed. It’s easy to walk away in anger. I will slowly regain my power back and walk away in a moment where I’m healthier. I will take it as a personal challenge. I understand at my core that there will always be an unbalance. I walked away in fear, pain and anger. Instead I will take my space gradually so it’s not so painful for me. I’m doing this for myself. It’s the first attempt I’ve ever made of walking away. I ripped away from her.. in anger and jealousy. I want to leave with my head held high. Tell me , how do you feel today? What do you wish you had done differently? Did you say everything you needed to say? Now that you’ve detached.. how would you react if she reached out to you? Do you feel strong?
 

Bird33

MyPTSD Pro
@Bird33 it pains me to know of the abuse you suffered. I can’t even begin to understand how the relationship with your ex therapist must have stirred up all of those feelings.
I read about erotic transference. That really messes with your head. Spot on. You’re right.
I reached out to her. I wanted the pain to stop. She was happy to hear from me as she felt that I had thrown her away like garbage. There have been many conversations over the last few days and as much as that part of me that was hurting has stopped... something inside me is different. I feel disdain. I’m almost repulsed by her. I know that you understand why I went back. I also want to share that this relationship has changed. Because I’ve changed. It’s easy to walk away in anger. I will slowly regain my power back and walk away in a moment where I’m healthier. I will take it as a personal challenge. I understand at my core that there will always be an unbalance. I walked away in fear, pain and anger. Instead I will take my space gradually so it’s not so painful for me. I’m doing this for myself. It’s the first attempt I’ve ever made of walking away. I ripped away from her.. in anger and jealousy. I want to leave with my head held high. Tell me , how do you feel today? What do you wish you had done differently? Did you say everything you needed to say? Now that you’ve detached.. how would you react if she reached out to you? Do you feel strong?
@Valley yes I completely understand why you went back. You have to do this on your terms. I remember a switch in me and I became angry that a person who was supposed to help me would hurt me even more. Especially this person who knew all my hurts, the fact that she would do this made me think why would I want a relationship with someone who could do this. How selfish she is and how broken she really is. It opened my eyes because before I would do anything to protect her. I will warn you I went back a few times and each time in my heart I felt I could get it to go back to the way the relationship was in the beginning. Looking back now she totally love bombed me. Look it up narcissist and love bombing. So the pain lingered on because I wasn’t ready to break free. I remember reading this quote: the moment you start googling someone’s behavior in an effort to understand it is probably the biggest red flag you will ever need!
It’s so true! I googled her behavior right at the beginning and your googling her behavior too! Think about it.

I feel great today, so much better than when I was with her. I regret not listening to myself right at the beginning, I knew it was wrong but couldn’t trust my gut. I could have avoided all the pain. I said what I needed to say in the end. She has tried to contact me a few times but I have ignored them. I am trying to build myself back up with my new therapist and later my plan is to report her. I’m not ready for that yet but hope to some day. She needs to know what she did was wrong and that she cannot do it again. She needs to get her own help and should not be a therapist right now. She is doing more damage than good. I feel pretty strong now, I’m working on my past things. This is the strongest I have ever felt in my life because now I’m opening up about everything whereas before I held everything in. The best thing I did was leave and block her on everything. It was so difficult at first and wasn’t sure if I could do it but so empowering! I’m glad you feel different, keep talking here and know what she did was so wrong it is really unfair to you. Look at the pain you are in because of it. That makes me very angry for you and I will hold that anger until you can truly feel it.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I was just browsing this and it’s in the book as I’ve said so many times. Judith Herman’s book that is. She didn’t spend a lot of time on it but she didn’t have to? I knew what it meant right away. Since the therapist is probably in the dominant position, and you are revealing this stuff and going “there” with her.

I've given up on this sorta. Because mostly of the pressure people put on attaching labels to behavior. All this makes perfect sense to me.

My therapist and I talk about it. Of course I’m in love with her a little. It took a few years to just start talking about it. I’m SO intimate with her. I’m sexual with my wife but I might be more intimate with my therapist.

Im used to it a little more maybe because I am always falling in love with women. But it’s been thirty one years and I’ve never even kissed anyone else.

I didn’t realize this thread went on but I had not forgotten it. I’ll have to come back to it, it’s a little too steamy for me this morning lol.
 
I haven't read the whole thread but I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I know what it's like, I dated my ex therapist for a few months. It was insane. Ended up having to get police involved and investigation is still going years later. All I know is it isn't fun seeing someone destroy their lives but this wasn't your fault.

I know this thread is old but I hope you found a new therapist.
 
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