I Sold My Soul For Less Than 50 Cents - Please Help....

[bluebird]

I am sorry... I want to assure you it was nothing to be ashamed of. I struggled a lot when I recovered a memory about being given red candies - I wanted them so badly... it made me feel responsible for the abuse that lasted for five years since then... I was three when it started.

However, later I remembered my brother was given candies as well, without anything happening to him... there were many people who gave us sweets or shiny coins to buy ice-cream... it was not about me accepting a gift. It was about somebody willingly choosing to hurt a child.

Children love candies and shiny coins. You were manipulated, you were innocent, you wanted to be loved - we all do... The person who hurt you was evil. He did it by choice... I honestly think he would have hurt you anyway - it wasn't about a seven years-old longing for silver coin nor about three years-old longing for candies - the shame does not belong with these little ones...

Hope it helps a bit... you are not alone and you are good :hug:

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

You don't have a soul you are a soul, you have a body. I just love this quote I can't remember who said it.

If any thing he is the one who gave up his soul the moment he decided to take advantage of the most beautiful thing in the world a child's innocence.

I hope you are ok xx

 

[Philippa]

Also, to put it in perspective...as a child 50cents can seem like you are really rich. It's only because you are an adult now that it seems cheap to you. Kids love shiny coins and 50 cents is a lot to them.

You could have bought a big bag of candy with 50 cents, back when I was a kid, so it seemed like a lot to you then.

You were a kid...and he took advantage of you because of his own evil selfishness. Put the blame where it belongs...you're not Jay Z selling his soul to the devil here...you were a kid who got taken by a devil in disguise. Your soul is still there. You wouldn't feel at all if it wasn't.

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks so much everyone for all your replies. It means so so much to me that you all responded to help me.

I actually tried to take back my post as soon as I sent it out as I was so ashamed of what happened. Even though I knew everyone would be nice to me, I was so embarrassed. I have never told anyone that detail....no-one has ever known....I even had locked that memory away in my my own vault.

I honestly think he would have hurt you anyway

This is such an intense comment for me. I've always believed that abusers take the easy target and then blamed myself for being an 'easy target'....but maybe I was targeted for other reasons (some come to mind, but I'm uncomfortable sharing these).

I struggled a lot when I recovered a memory about being given red candies

Thanks for this...it tells me that I'm definitely not the only one.

I find it interesting that books written for survivors tell of the detail of the horrors (which trigger me really badly) but they don't tell of these type of things. It is these type of things that I need to hear. I think this is why Alex's post hit me so badly....I hadn't considered that someone else could be manipulated the same way...I thought it was just me and locked the memory away in the vault of shame.

 

[arfie]

Child prostitution survivor here, ghotiff. I was much older than seven before I knew I was NOT supposed to be proud of my revenue production skills. I was 18 before I was able to facilitate a successful career change.

Did I sell my soul? I don't think so. Should I have known better when I was seven? Give me a break.

I understand your pain, ghotiff. I still feel my equivalent at unpredictable moments. Gentle validation and reminders that seven year olds are not equipped to understand marketing ethics. Not even Marketing Ethics 101. Unfortunately, all too many CEO's seemed to have missed that class, as well, not to mention the more marginalized members of humanity. Be well, ghotiff. Give yourself a break. Be gentle.

 

[Promicarus]

@ghotiff

((((((((((((((((((((((((ghotiff))))))))))))))))))))))

OH ghotiff..I'm so sorry...but not for the fact that you "sold yourself for only 50 cents"........sorry that an innocent child was exploited horribly, her innocence and child's ignorance taken full advantage of. And as you'll know after reading the story of countless others...it could have been anything else..either of equal or even lesser value. Because the approval of an adult authority figure alone is enough to bypass the meager defenses of one so eager to please, and so completely without any conception of the act and activity involved, much less its eventual ramifications.

I'd like to offer up an idea for your consideration...one that I found not only applied in my own "recovery as grieving" experience...but which I recognized as beneficial, and so allowed to proceed, and relabeled with a "positive" sticker, instead...thereby circumventing the compounded trauma of traumatizing myself for experiencing the grief associated with my trauma--by adding guilt and shame for my own weakness at "not being strong enough to not succumb"...and yes...not having been "enough" at the time to have somehow escaped or warded it off.

What do I mean? I've found that my "purging" of the grief stored in association with my trauma arrives at least overtly as some form of self-hatred/self-condemnation. These manage to be attached to seemingly "rational" storylines justifying their natures as just that---'justified guilt/shame', etc.

But what I wish I had realized much earlier was that this was simply the "mentation" that arrived with the emotion...like the address on a parcel...it had little if anything to do with the contents, in fact.

I've come to realize that, for myself (and would hazard a guess for others as well, though I have no literature by way of substantiation---the act of the trauma in itself made us feel inadequate...that is the latest broad definition of trauma, after all...having been found inadequate in our coping resources to measure up to the threat of the world, which as a result, inflicted trauma upon us.

And what I honestly believe is that these "mentations"...are only a kind of reflexive intellectual accompaniement automatically attached to the trauma upon its release, as grief...simply because the mind must always attempt to join in with whatever emotion is present, in at least some way...so that that experience of inadequacy when released...is attached to mental conceptions that match that theme...inadequacy...in order to be consistent with the experiencing of the trauma stored as that sense of inadequacy...in other words, the inadequacy-thoughts which take the form of a conception of shame/guilt.

So is this all just irrelevant abstract mumbo jumbo? It hasn't been for me. The upshot is that it's enabled me to understand that the "conceptions" of that guilt/shame carry no more weight than a theme song to a movie. And therefore..not attaching any real factual significance to them...I not only am not retraumatized by "thinking about how much I was at fault, and how terrible I should feel for being responsible for it"...which, no surprise...just results in my building up MORE terrible feelings...when the entire point in the first place was to allow myself to process the existing ones...NOT add more TO them.


I hope I've made myself at least somewhat clear, here. And it's not as though I've reached any "guru like" or in any way superior approach to my own recovery...so I don't want to come across as saying anything similar. But I do know that when that lightbulb came on and I simply looked up and said..."huh!"...suddenly a good deal of the weight of the process fell away. When I began to see it in terms of for example, a factory that needed to process recycling orders...without attaching all the psychic baggage to it...then I could stop struggling with/against it, as well...and when the experience washed over me, just begin to say..."ok...here's another order coming through...recycling process active"...and let it go at that.

Hope I've been of some help

 

[Meadowsweet]

It's healthy to have those big cries @ghotiff . I'm late coming to this thread, but there are some really good replies here and I don't think I could say any better. I was groomed too.

But I think, having had children myself, and seen the beautiful trust that children have, has helped me to see how easy it is for a manipulative adult to take advantage of what is innocence and goodness in a child. You didn't sell your soul, you were innocent and good and that adults could be deliberately deceptive, nasty and black hearted wasn't in your experience. .

 

[Pencil]

I've been thinking about this, and I don't know how to say what I want to say, but it's something like this"

Your 'soul' was not the object that was bought, it was actually the currency, in other words, the payment was not the 50 c, the payment was in fact your 'soul', but it was not your soul. The amazing thing about a soul is that it is utterly, totally, inviolable. You paid the price, not the evil f*cked up jerk. You were not bought, you did not sell, 'you' were the currency.

Does this make any sense to you? I can't quite articulate it, but I think you have to start re-framing this.

 

[Powder]

For me it was stickers. Sticker collections were the rage. I had a sticker book, a cheap photo album, where I kept my collection. I don't feel bad that I enjoyed stickers and that part of being a kid. Don't let the bad memories turn on your good ones. Kids possess a great gift for finding beauty and wonder in ordinary things, shiny things, interesting things, etc. As adults we can still tap into that creative way of seeing the world again. It's good to hold onto some of that.

That little kid who thought those two shiny coins were great was a wonderful kid, a kid with a sense of wonder. If you can connect with that, you can see that was never lost, never taken from you. It was used against you for a time, but you still possess the good of it in you. You are still wonderful because you just are. Bad things happen to good people. You are "good people." You deserved that good cry. You're processing.

Well done! There is nothing to be embarrassed about the work you are doing. It's the most vital work a human can do.

 

[Loner]

I am so sorry that an adult that you trusted did this to you. It was not your fault.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Everyone has said it all so eloquently, I can only say, you were an innocent child who was groomed for a evil purpose by a very evil man. It was not your fault and you did not make the choice but was manipulated into it. I can so relate and I have wasted so many years of my life blaming and hating myself.

I do not do that anymore.

I am healing and as you change your view of the situation you will be able to put all of that shame and blame on your abuser who took advantage of you.

I have had many experiences where I went along with things in order to be getting some attention. These memories haunted me for years.

No longer do the memories haunt me so I want to give you this hope. You are a good person. You did not sell your soul. I am sorry you see it this way. The only thing left for you is to get angry at your abuser for manipulating and stealing your childs innocence.

It is not your fault. I am so sorry this happened to you and you have been carrying the shame and blame for so long.

Watch what you say to yourself and practice saying positive things. The guy is a bastard and you were not the only one he did this to.

Go ahead and cry all you want. Something precious and vital was stolen from you. No seven year old should experience what you did.

The man is purely evil. You were treated abomidaly. You are still innocent. YOU are greatly scarred by this experience as I and so many here are.

Healing is possible. Big hugs.

 

[ghotiff]

Its now been a couple of days since that intense, intense feeling... I wanted to come back and say how grateful I am for everyones replies. Words can not express how much they meant (and still mean) to me.

because we didn't know what we were doing

I am coming to understand that I did not (and could not) know the impact of what I was manipulated to be a part of. I had no way of understanding the significance of what was happening, or the impact it would have on my future life. My lack of understanding, was not a fault of mine.

this was simply the "mentation" that arrived with the emotion...like the address on a parcel...it had little if anything to do with the contents

It took me some time to understand this. But I think I do now, and it is helpful. Thanks.

The only thing left for you is to get angry at your abuser for manipulating and stealing your childs innocence

I do feel that anger is on its way. I'm frightened of it coming, but I'm am starting to set up a plan on how I will cope through it. In another thread (on another topic, but related to strong emotional fall-outs) @arfie suggested 'treat it like the flu'. This is going to be my starting point, and that the anger is just the wrapping of the parcel...once its served its purpose I can discard it to the bin.

So again, thanks everyone so much for helping me through.