I think i am done looking for help

[FauxLiz]

For those of you that have followed my posts over the past several months you are aware that I spent 20 days in a specialty trauma facility and most recently in a local acute care center for 5 days.I recently received notification from my employer that my fmla leave expires March 28 and I will be required to pass a fit for duty exam.

I have been approved on STD through April 8th and my T has actually recommended that I be off through early June so that I can have an opportunity for a readmit at the specialty facility. The thing is if I don't go back to work by the 28th I will most likely lose my job. A job that I actually hate but it does pay the bills and I have two graduations this spring. I have bills piling up including car repairs that they are still working on the estimate for but the preliminary was over $2,500

So I am thinking that I just push everything back down into that dark hole we have full of shameful and painful memories go back to living life as though nothing happened. Find a job that I like, somewhere I am appreciated. This would include ceasing therapy, not returning to the specialty facility and walk away from everything I have or ever have had.

Input, has anyone else tried this route?

 

[MyWillow]

Sounds like you've had a really rough time of it. I'm really sorry.

From someone who has just been gently reminded not to catastrophise by my T ;) your post sounds a little like black and white thinking to me. Quit the job, quit therapy, stuff everything down and move on. Is there room for moderation? Part-time work, stretch out T appointments and focus on stabilization for a bit? That's what I'm doing. Could you raise this with your T? How has stuffing it all down worked for you previously? Sounds like you need to take care of you. I hope you do.

 

[Rumors]

@FauxLiz
I don't know exactly how to answer or help. I own a business and can't leave or shut down so I work and go to therapy. The duality of that is if I need to take a day off, I do. As well, I can go to therapy whenever I need to. However, the flip side is I never really get a break. I can't leave because there is always something that needs addressing, deadlines to make, and people to direct. It sucks sometimes BUT I can tell you at times I am so grateful for the accountability that work gives me. It makes me get up, think about something else, and be productive. I need that otherwise my mind goes into a dark abyss. I know this probably doesn't help, but it may give you a different way to frame having to go back. I don't want you to give up. Most of all, I don't want you to think you can't do one because of the other. It is hard... freaking hard... but bc I have to work, I don't hyperfocus on the bad stuff. I exercise my mind in different way throughout the day.
Hang in there!!!

 

[FauxLiz]

@MyWillow I may be catastrophizing I have a tendency to do that and I know that about me. But a lot of the things that you suggest while sounding possible really aren't I am a single parent of two. The only income my household has and the source of health insurance for all three of us. So if I were to quit my job or get let go I lose my health insurance (would never be able to afford family coverage on unemployment), couldn't afford rent, medical care for my PTSD and Chiari Malformation which causes daily migraines. I wouldn't be able to go on disability for at least a year without work and same for medicare. Stuffing it down worked great until about 10 years ago when my daughter hit the age when several of my traumas began (not my first).

@Rumors I get where you are coming from, my parents are self-employed and maybe once a year we would get away for a three day weekend. I have worked hard my whole life had my first job outside the family business at 14 and have never not had a job since.taking this leave to get inpatient treatment was the hardest decision of my life, I worried that I was blowing up my life and would never be able to get a good job again.and it was hard because I am a single income household. I would go back to work tomorrow if I thought I could manage it without a breakdown on the job the thing is a member of my board of directors filed a criminal complaint against me two years ago, it was determined to be unfounded and didn't go past the investigation stage but I don't trust her and working with her and the rest of the toxic board terrifies and triggers me. I am working on DBT to increase my tolerance of the situation but I have only been working on it since January and I am no where near ready to test this in a work setting.

 

[MyWillow]

The fact that you're taking feedback on board says much for the work you've done so far. More than I think you realise @FauxLiz

I think somehow we have to make room for this healing in our lives without giving up everything. It's such a fine line and I'm sooooo not one to talk ;) but it's a nice goal to have. I know when I bring this stuff up with my T she always brings such perspective. Even when I've already made my mind up.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Is the fact that your FLMA is up mean there is no other option? Is there a personal leave policy? Does the father of your children pay support? If so can he contribute more? If you return to work, at what point would you be able to go out on another medical leave?
It sounds to me that the quality of your job is a drag. I too am self employed and the focus required to do my job is like zen meditation. If your work environment was better, could you put the treatment center on hold and see your t several days a week? To what extent is your hatred of your job contributing to your mental distress?
Sorry I have more questions than answers. It’s just that I know for me having a positive work life improves my mental state. If someone filed a criminal complaint about me, I’d a) talk to a lawyer and b) get a new job. Don’t ever think that once there is conflict at work things can improve. It won’t happen and I almost died from such an environment.

 

[Justmehere]

Stuffing it down worked great until about 10 years ago when my daughter hit the age when several of my traumas began (not my first).

I think you answered your own question here about stuffing it down. It worked... until... That’s generally how it goes with stuffing it down. It seems like if that could work for you now, you’d already be doing it and wouldn’t be asking for help to begin with.

But putting a pause on trauma work to restablize (and perhaps work on reducing other stressors like getting a different job) makes some sense, especially as a single parent.

Is it possible to return to work and look for a better workplace, and continue stabilization treatment - not trauma work - but DBT skills building and etc, for a season?

It took me awhile before I was ready to deal with the trauma. I did a lot of skills building for managing symptoms, for well over a year, before I touched the trauma with a 10 foot pole. My first therpaist and I actually had an agreement we were just working on symptom management and not trying to process the trauma at the time. Things settled.

I don’t recommend stuffing it in order to never come back to it - it will probably keep coming up anyhow, and sideways. But I do recommend getting support to contain and manage symptoms. That’s different than trauma therapy, which does stir stuff up, and it’s different than no help at all. It’s a middle of the road approach instead of all or nothing.

A job change makes sense too, but try to take it one step at a time before throwing all your support away prior to getting a new job.

You’ve been pushing people away for awhile. Keep the people. Work with them to figure out how to contain (almost like pushing away) the trauma in a healthy way.

Navigating this as a single parent is extra difficult and my heart goes out to you.

 

[FauxLiz]

Is the fact that your FLMA is up mean there is no other option? Is there a personal leave policy? Does the father of your children pay support? If so can he contribute more? If you return to work, at what point would you be able to go out on another medical leave?
It sounds to me that the quality of your job is a drag. I too am self employed and the focus required to do my job is like zen meditation. If your work environment was better, could you put the treatment center on hold and see your t several days a week? To what extent is your hatred of your job contributing to your mental distress?

Once FMLA is exhausted there is not really another option the company policy is to use all available personal time, vacation time and sick time concurrently during FMLA. My ex does pay support a whole $350 a month it can only be increased every three years and it was available last in 2017. If I were to return to work heaven only knows when I could take another leave they were not happy about this one so really to protect my job it couldn't be before January of 2019. I already see my T twice a week insurance wont cover more. Job stress causes a major amount of mental distress. The sooner I can get out of this job the better but it is difficult to look for a job while on medical leave.

Is it possible to return to work and look for a better workplace, and continue stabilization treatment - not trauma work - but DBT skills building and etc, for a season?

It is possible to return to work and look for a better job my fear is that the board of directors will not be thrilled with the idea of making accommodations for my PTSD I expect that they will be scrutinizing my work with a close eye to find a reason to terminate me. I came to the conclusion today that I need to get an attorney involved on my side. The best outcome would be for them to let me just stay on STD until it runs out and then they could buy me out of my contract. Or better they could just buy me out now. Hopefully, an attorney on my side can help iron out details for me.

 

[Freida]

have you asked them about a buy out? I like the idea of getting an attorney on board - if for no other reason than to give you fresh eyes on the situation. I know what you mean about not being able to just bail and take care of yourself --- maybe your T can help you sort out a plan that allows you to slow down therapy but keep going with it. That might take some of the pressure off?

 

[KwanYingirl]

@FauxLiz i think a lawyer is a good idea. In my case, because I was a whistle blower I got a settlement because by not accommodating my disability, their treatment of me made me sicker until I was completely disabled.
Our situations are different, but I learned a lot about labor law in the US. I was shocked how easy it is to get fired for no reason at all. But if you have a confirmed disability, they have to give you reasonable accommodations. So you need a lawyer to help you through this. Ideally, I hope that you can continue your treatment goals and keep your job until you can find a better one.

 

[FauxLiz]

I have a consultation with an attorney on Monday. I didn't expect it but when I called to make an appointment with someone in the firm the consultation is with a named partner. Don't know if that is good or bad but I do know my employer has gotten a lot of bad press in the past few years for very public faux pas including network news in the metro area. They are currently facing a gender discrimination complaint related to a recent hiring selection. Really I just want this all behind me, not to stress about this toxic job and move on.

 

[MyWillow]

That’s really good to hear! As long as it doesn’t cause excessive stress long term because these things can drag out. Take care eh x