DID I think i have d i d and it's panicking me

[shimmerz]

Myself personally.... when the time came to understand what was 'wrong with me' (the PTSD), my T-doc told me that he had another diagnosis for me. I was actually still digesting the implications of PTSD (Complex Chronic). I told him with great certainty that anything else that I had could wait. I wanted to digest the PTSD part first. It helped me not be overwhelmed and was my decision.

Worse than the PTSD was the fact that I had dissociated for my whole life and didn't even know it! That took a bit to sink in. Like, longer than the PTSD stuff. Dissociative stuff is so hard to take in because it changes our sense of self. When I was ready I asked him what the other diagnosis was he and I spoke about DDNOS. I was thankful that I waited because I had done some prep research on it in my spare time.

It worked better for me (not necessarily you) to know that I could take my time and decide how much I could process and what I did and didn't want to know at the time.

I mean really, DID or not, we are all here fragmented in some way. It is just a matter of what structure that fragmentation takes. And really, is it important for you to know that or can you just leave that to your T to figure out for now?

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

By presenting you with evidence of dissociation, they do seem to be trying to encourage you to see something that you haven't seen before.

This is precisely what I don't like. I've hung my proverbial hat on my sense of intelligence and understanding of the world. I've always derived my life meaning from my ability to think and to process information and succeed in a field that requires intense academic prowess. The suggestion that I might actually have no idea what is happening in my mind cuts to the very core of who I am and who I think I was - and opens up the idea that the things I thought I was good at I'm actually not very good at at all. And, that is terrifying.

I mean really, DID or not, we are all here fragmented in some way. It is just a matter of what structure that fragmentation takes. And really, is it important for you to know that or can you just leave that to your T to figure out for now?

I'm of two minds (literally and metaphorically here) that it does and does not matter. I know, intellectually, that it doesn't. But different parts of me are convinced that we are or are not real. "I" work to convince myself that I'm just exaggerating and making things up, and having a negative diagnosis would help reinforce that. But my parts? Anytime it is suggested that they aren't real (ie the DID diagnosis is negative) there is scary backlash, because they just so desperately want to be real.

So, at the end of the day, I don't know if I want to know, but if I knew, I could then stop this insane madness and just deal with the aftermath instead (which I feel like I'm just delaying by not knowing).

 

[shimmerz]

I could then stop this insane madness and just deal with the aftermath instead

Perhaps there you have it then!

 

[aut555]

Y

This is precisely what I don't like. I've hung my proverbial hat on my sense of intelligen...

As people , we are always evolving even without diagnoses. So the uncertainty of all this doesn't erase your core accomplishments in life. You sound like a highly functioning person and this is like a speed bump that you will get past. Think my ex bragged he is a highly functional bipolar person. At work , he does well, just at home, it was difficult. You are working through this, don't give up. Compassion and understanding for you and hoping you are doing better.

 

[BlueOrange]

I've always derived my life meaning from my ability to think and to process information and succeed in a field that requires intense academic prowess.

And working through my DID has required all my intelligence, and I am equal to the smartest people I've met. (And I've met some of the smartest people in the world.)

A very smart person (you) has been hiding things from you. To put the pieces back together will require academic intelligence, and emotional intelligence, and a fair bit of fitness, too.

As I assemble myself, I find that my intelligence doesn't lose power, even though it gains flexibility. None of me is as smart as all of me!

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I've always derived my life meaning from my ability to think and to process information and succeed in a field that requires intense academic prowess. The suggestion that I might actually have no idea what is happening in my mind cuts to the very core of who I am and who I think I was - and opens up the idea that the things I thought I was good at I'm actually not very good at at all.

Wow. Where did that come from? You speak as though equating DID with a psychotic disorder.

Multiples - people with DID - are generally highly intelligent. We are lawyers, physicians, scientists, professors, mathematicians...we are found in every profession.

IF you have DID, you needn't worry about academic prowess.

 

[BlueOrange]

IF you have DID, you needn't worry about academic prowess

That's a really interesting point. My professional and academic success comes from breaking problems into parts and solving them one piece at a time. My ability to hold many separate ideas and treat them separately is critical to that.

My research integrating two fields of endeavor also benefits from all the practice I've had, seeing two perspectives at once, and recognizing both as legitimate.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I actually had an alter - Cubbie, also called SuperCub - who used to take all my exams.

My point being, DID is a strategy for managing life. Multiples are multiple because DID 'works' for them. DID helps us manage life; it's only a hindrance when one is destabilized.

I suspect those who fear or dramatize DID have watched too much TV and seen too many movies. Please understand that only a tiny fraction of multiples are like the wackadoodles you see portrayed in the media. DID is a disorder of hiddenness; the vast majority of us will do almost anything to guide our multiplicity. So, 99% of the time you will meet a multiple and not even know he or she has DID. Seriously.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

I would also really like to add and emphasize ..

"Multiplicity" is NOT automatically "disorder."

My husband is by all counts a "healthy multiple" .. some might disagree, as a lot of T aims towards complete integration. But my man is - I contend! - nevertheless "whole" even if he (still/for now?) functions in "parts" ..

When we first started this journey, we didn't understand fully what we were discovering or "dealing with" in my man's internal world. HE didn't understand it himself, but "presented" himself to me as fully and honestly as he knew how, at the time. It was a huge TRUST thing, because he'd never let his other "parts" be out (at least not on purpose) when interacting with people. He honestly expected me to reject him once I knew about his other "halves" as he put it. (He only thought he was half boy half girl, like he was managing 2 sides of himself. In fact, we have identified 5 parts so far .. basically 2 on the more "adult/rational" side and 2 on the more "child/emotional" side, and "Middle" who is host and primarily "out"...)

My husband definitely fits the brilliant/HIGH intelligence discussion ..

Frankly, I suspect MOST multiples do, because it's really an intrinsically brilliant survival strategy of the human spirit when faced with UNIMAGINABLE horrors/traumas, etc. I have come to believe that those who don't "split" in those conditions/circumstances very often don't survive - the suicide rate alone is murderous. :( So I am immeasurably THANKFUL my husband survived and with such creative genius in the doing so!

And now, this many years later, and this relatively FEW years into "figuring things out" regarding his internal "map" or whatnot, my husband is a masterful negotiator and mediator and protector of all of his "parts" and their sometimes eccentric and unique expressions :) ..

He has "wholeness" agreement concerning the big things that matter - like surviving (no internal sabotage), working the plan (having a goal ALL can live with, and internal "policies and procedures" for HOW to do this), navigating the complexities of OUR relationship (because every part "loves" in unique ways, but they do all "love" me as best they know how) .. etc.

And on the "little" things (like the every day decisions/desires in the moment that arise), there is still "whole" agreement about HOW to have internal conversations about how to work those things, too. So maybe not every part gets his own way, but there is internal communication, compromise, and growing internal respect that each part has a "right" at least to be HEARD, even if not always to have the right of way on a given desire. I suppose in this respect, *with a giggle and nod to Spock*, "the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one." :) And the few or the one have come to agree with this as the overall governing principle inside my husband's system, with the first rule - Do no harm.

I hope I'm not veering too off topic - the point is - Just because my husband experiences himself as "many" inside does NOT necessitate that he/they are in "disorder." Order is hard-won, don't mistake me, but order IS achievable! And HEALTHY. :)

He is VERY "ordered" inside, and LOVE has been the surprisingly beautiful KEY to him achieving this .. for internal peace of heart and mind, for external consistency and the "freedom" to BE himself with me in every way .. I don't "judge" any part, and I don't take it personally when my husband seems to be in contradiction, cuz inside there MAY be internal disagreement from time to time .. that doesn't mean my husband is lying or manipulating, etc.

We are very "organic" in our view. We nurture the WHOLE garden, and yes, it is landscaped (orderly) and we keep the predators and thorns at bay, and we love all the varieties and color (beautiful!) and stages of growth as each element of the whole garden thrives in its own way, and if any part needs special tending, we LOVE that part to health and vibrancy, too ....

~WU

 

[aut555]

Thanks, this explains a lot, because l thought the person was distrustful but now l guess it's just different ideas from different selves. But have felt l am talking to different people afterwards. But it does keep it lively. No doubt.

 

[Sandstone]

Wow. Where did that come from? You speak as though equating DID with a psychotic disorder.

Isn't it reasonable to be deeply disconcerted by finding one's mind is not a reliable witness of one's life? I share the experience of being terrified by discovering that schism. In fact, it doesn't even need a dissociative diagnosis does it? We are all agreed that we don't see the world square on - hyper vigilance, cognitive distortions, flashbacks, triggering - they are all related to an inaccurate perception of current reality.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

A very smart person (you) has been hiding things from you. To put the pieces back together will require academic intelligence, and emotional intelligence, and a fair bit of fitness, too.

I'm trying to piece things together. But it is hard and makes me question my intelligence. I'm not sure if I am smart enough to do this.

Wow. Where did that come from? You speak as though equating DID with a psychotic disorder.

I don't think that DID is a psychotic disorder at all. I'm not saying that I'm out of touch with reality, but there is a reality that I am clearly not in touch with (that there are more than me of me) and I don't like that.

Isn't it reasonable to be deeply disconcerted by finding one's mind is not a reliable witness of one's life? I share the experience of being terrified by discovering that schism.

This is exactly it. I'm totally shaken and thrown by not knowing who I am. I thought I knew, and now knowing things that I didn't think I knew or were happening is throwing me off in a really scary way.