I Think I Have Terminal Ptsd

[littlelostchild]

Other diseases can be terminal. Tumors can be inoperable, bacteria can be too overwhelming to the immune system, etc. So it stands to reason that some forms of PTSD (especially the complex variety) can't be cured (I'm not really looking for a cure, but a way to live).

I have been seeing a psychiatrist for over a year now, pretty much once a week, and although some progress has been made, I feel like I'm done - I haven't slept through the night in months, I can't relax, I don't care about anything. I'm 50 and maybe I've lived with this illness for too long or my coping strategies are too entrenched. I believe that the illness and my brain wiring are too connected to be successfully treated in order to coexist. I was sexually abused by my father, grandfather and uncle. The abuse spanned at least a decade and I became a perfectionist who went into a caregiving profession which I was very good at. I haven't worked in over a year, which makes me feel like crap. My husband is amazingly supportive even though I don't seem to be getting better. We have 2 terrific adult children. When I was previously despondent, I thought of them and how difficult it would be for them, but people are resilient.

The PTSD wouldn't kill me per se, as I would have to end my own life - the death would take a less direct route. But the PTSD would still be the cause, thus terminal PTSD.

 

[Kintsugi]

Hi LLC,

I want to open by saying that you are obviously in a lot of pain but you are not alone.

PTSD is a lifetime, chronic illness and can take decades to manage properly, but that is not to say that with lots of therapy and perhaps meds you cannot become functioning.

PTSD can apparently kill you (organically), by poisoning your organs with stress toxin (forget the name), but as I understand it it is not likely with ongoing stress management. Have you read the Stress Cup explanation here? It helped me balance my stressors a lot.

If you are suicidal, please seek care and have the self-compassion to get help fast if it feels you are going over the edge. Not to say I don't get suicidal. But I try and think about how my death could affect others, as well. One thing that perhaps bizarrely helps me quell those rumination is that not only could I devastate those who care about me, but I could traumatize others (such as the person to find my body, or first responders who try to save me).

Please do not feel that you are alone in this--you are not alone. Scores here have suffered complex trauma as well, and we do what we can to support others struggling with the same issues as we.

Do you have a therapist? Have you considered medication?

Something that you may find interesting. This is a talk about stress and how we can manage it so that it may not be fatal. It takes a compassionate look at our bodies' mechanisms to help reframe our thoughts about stress. I know it doesn't fit perfectly with PTSD.


[DLMURL]http://www.ted.com/talks/kelly_mcgonigal_how_to_make_stress_your_friend.html[/DLMURL]

 

[EverOnly358]

LittleLostChild,

You're not the only one to feel this way. Truly. I'm 40, a mother of three teenagers. I've been dealing with this my whole life. My first beating was at 2-1/2 years of age and they didn't stop until I was 20. I've gone through so many emotions about this. I can understand where you're coming from. But, I just want to tell you, don't give up! I've been going to therapists on and off for 14 years... and I've never been able to get much of anywhere on resolving or coping with anything during those sessions. They've done more harm than good. And when I first came to this forum, like a little over a month ago, I was determined not to go to a doctor again. But, hey, now I'm seeing two different therapists. There's a lot of screwed up me to work on. I guess, I'm saying, that things change. You're feeling the heavy, heavy weight of PTSD pressing down on you. I know that feels terrible. I'm so sorry. You have suffered so much. But things change, feelings changes... hold onto the love you have for your husband and your children and hang in there. I firmly believe, and maybe this is naive and stupid, but I don't care... I firmly believe that no case of PTSD is too complex. There is a way. There is hope.

And I hope this helps, even a little,
D

 

[franciemarnie]

I'm sorry for the horrendous abuse you suffered and how you've kept suffering long after the literal abuse stopped. I know it well.

I'm 56. I was diagnosed with depression before they came up with the term PTSD, let alone C-PTSD. As a result, decades of talk therapy were mostly a lot of hot air. But once diagnosed and dealing with doctors specializing in trauma a few years ago, everything changed.

Now life for me is essentially good, sometimes wonderful, although I certainly have still known brief periods of intense pain. But honestly compared to the years the PTSD went untreated, I'm in comparative heaven.

It is never too late. If the T you see isn't effective in working with what ails you, keep looking. Life can be good. It doesn't have to continue the way it has. Somatic Therapy works for me but there are other choices that work for other people.

Don't give up. Move in a different direction.

 

[Abstract]

s a result, decades of talk therapy were mostly a lot of hot air.

Me too Franciemarnie. Knowing the problem makes all the difference.

Littlelostchild,
I truly hope you don't give up. One year of therapy when you have had that much happen and so many years of coping in-between is not long at all. What I found is that often it did not seem I was getting anywhere and in fact even felt worse, but then something would click and one part of the puzzle would fall into place.

I have come to believe that we don't have to believe or have hope in order to make progress. We just need to continue to take small steps.

One year in you have no concept of what potential you have for healing as yet.

my coping strategies are too entrenched.

I am beginning to think this is a relevant issue. I don't believe they are too entrenched though and rather that they are more so more time is needed to budge them.

It sounds like part of the way you previously coped has also been removed and that will make it a lot more challenging for you at present but it is necessarily bad for you in the long term. You are no longer being propped up by caretaking your children and others through your work. That leaves you facing your pain much more and that is hard but it can be a great opportunity for healing and growth. I often remind myself that I may not presently be in the right place emotionally to be able to make an accurate evaluation of how hopeless or hopeful the future is.

 

[Chondra]

Your post here demonstrates your courage and determination. I believe you are much stronger than you realize. Hang in there, it will get better.

PTSD requires specialized therapists that know how to properly treat trauma. Without this knowledge and skill they will only cause more trauma. Finding the right therapist is critical. For me, I also need a therapist to help me cope day to day. Since my condition is constantly changing, my coping strategies need to change too.

I know you are in a painful place right now. Don't let go of hope. But also know that I am holding hope for you and you can collect it back at any time.

 

[zaniara]

Other diseases can be terminal. Tumors can be inoperable, bacteria can be too overwhelming to the immune system, etc. So it stands to reason that some forms of PTSD (especially the complex variety) can't be cured (I'm not really looking for a cure, but a way to live).

The others have written so much good stuff in here. But I just wanted to say that you can find a way to live, not only survive. But you need really good help. Are you seeing a trauma-therapist?

I also wanted to say that I recognize the way you think right now. (And it's great that you wrote it, and shared it and are trying to be honest about it! Since it's the first step to get better.) I thought like that when I was 10, when I was 15, when I was 25 and when I was 35(I'm older now). I didn't know I had PTSD though, back then. But I thought I was terminally ill. I just couldn't understand in what way. But I thought I was weaker than ordinary people, and that I was a "bad person"; not as good as others. Not fit to survive. And so on.. I really didn't thought there was much to do for me.

Now I know that's just the result of the horrible traumas I survived, and basically "PTSD-thinking". I felt helpless, and hopeless, and weak and damaged for a reason. Because in some ways I was. But I wasn't terminally ill. I just needed the right help. (Which I'm getting now..)

I admire you for being able to do SO much good stuff despite your background! Raising your kids, being a wife, working with people! That's really awesome considering what you had to endure and survive as a a kid! I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. And I too think it's sneaking up on you for real now, since now you have the time to feel it. But that doesn't mean that you're an hopeless case. That's just a beginning to a better life. And the road can be hard, but you only need to take it one step at a time. So just hang in there and get all the help you need. And don't give up. There are no hopeless cases.

 

[Only 1 of me]

They have all said what I would. I just wanted to add another voice of support and recognition. You are not alone in your struggles. I too had a lot of therapy for depression over many years which took me round in circles. I went right to the very edge of life/death where death had an irresistible pull and I felt that there was no possibility of a future for me. Once diagnosed with ptsd (or c-ptsd for those who use the term) I got access to EMDR trauma therapy with a very experienced guy. It's a rough ride but it's so liberating. Been working with him for about 10months now. It's very tough, even today, new memories came flooding in but I know I can handle it now. The past is not what defines me now. Keep on going, things can and do change.

 

[littlelostchild]

Thank you to everyone who has written. I have been reading and rereading each morning since I posted, without responding until now. I am very close to the edge and you have given me a lot to think about. I talked about my theory briefly with a friend and she made me promise to talk to my psychiatrist about it tomorrow. She thinks that maybe my meds need adjusting. Maybe I am in a really dark place in the therapy - the relaxation technique is bringing up a lot of anger. I don't know.

Thanks you all. Be well.

 

[EverOnly358]

LittleLostChild,

I really hope you come back and tell us how the psychiatrist appointment goes. And how you're doing. It does, I think, maybe, tend to get worse before it gets better. So, hey, maybe if it's this bad now, good things are in your future! (I hope that's okay to say... because, like I have a dark sense of humor and sometimes it comes out the wrong way.) ;D

Oh, and I wanted to tell you that I'm a perfectionist, too, and I've devoted the last 20 years of my life to taking care of my kids, my husband. And recently I've realized my family doesn't need me as much anymore, and I'm finally taking some time for myself, to figure things out, to get help. It's been extremely difficult. So, um... I guess my point is that you're not alone, you're not the only one.

D

 

[littlelostchild]

Thanks D - I am just rereading before I go today. I totally have a dark sense of humour too.

I am glad you asked me to post how it goes because I hadn't thought of it and it makes sense that you caring folks would like to know what my P thinks of my theory and how I will move forward.

Be well

 

[littlelostchild]

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he does not agree that my ptsd is terminal - things are difficult right now. He has been pushing me during the most recent few weeks to confront hard issues and I have acknowledged that I am feeling a lot of anger which I tend to turn toward myself. Reminding me that there are people who care about me just makes me feel worse because I feel like I am letting them down.