I think it's a 'date'...?

[Sideways]

So, one of the guys being contacted by police for their investigations is a guy, call him Jim, who I worked with for a year 15 years back. I remember having a crush on him, but he was one of those really nice guys that I pushed away "for his own good" because in my mind I was a toxic monster and he deserved better.

Dust away the cobwebs and put the police thing aside, turns out he lives about 1km away. And we end up having a chat on the phone, during which he says several times how blown away he is to hear from me etc etc, and it all ends in us agreeing to catch up this Saturday afternoon.

Having out down the phone, it occurs to me, this is like...a date. A date? I'm a pretty messed up sort of person, and while he sounds like he's still a nice guy, I'm really not sure that dating is such a crash hot idea for me just yet.

I'm determined not to freak, but if anyone wants to share suggestions about when you know if it's sensible (or safe?) to date again? Or when you know you should definitely not be dating yet?

What am I doing??? Someone smack some sense into me...!!

 

[Deleted member 541]

I know this sort of seems stupid to say, but try and calm down. If you can look at it as just 2 friends having a coffee it may work to your advantage. Try not to read anything into this for now. Try not to expect anything. And the biggest thing.... Just be. Just be yourself. Just be as relaxed as you can. Just be the person that you are without trying to impress him.

Good luck and most of all have fun!!!!!

 

[Prough]

If he's hot then go for it. Let him worry about him. He probably knows more about what he wants anyway. Of course if you're still convinced that you're so bad of a date, don't you owe it to yourself to practice?

 

[Sideways]

try and calm down.

Yup!

I'm definitely freaking myself out. My gut's telling me to make sure I come across as a reasonable normal sort of person: which would mean dressing in a certain way, being open to possibly having a glass of alcohol (I don't really drink anymore), and definitely leaving my assistance dog at home.

That's really not gonna work. That's a sure-fire recipe for me ending up switching, which would be a disaster.

So, if I were to remove the whole "date" concept, if I was catching up with one of my friends, how would I handle that safely?

I'd go somewhere familiar, dress in something that feels like me, and definitely take my dog.

I'm not a huge fan of dumping waaaaay too much information on people too soon, but I have to somehow find a balance between that and keeping myself feeling safe. I'm not the same person I was 15 years ago, not point trying to pretend I am because I won't be able to sustain that facade.

And I also think I need to give him the benefit of the doubt. He sounds like he's still a reasonably good sort of person, and if he found out I left my dog at home because I wanted to seem 'normal', when in fact my dog comes everywhere with me... I don't expect him to try and be someone he's not. I have a disability, and that's just who I am now...

I think .

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Ragdoll Circus You should bring your dog, and you should just be yourself. Trying to put on a facade will only cause you more anxiety and cause you more stress. Just try and go with the attitude it's an old friend and we're just having coffee. You'll do fine!!! Give us an update when you can, and HAVE FUN!!!!!!

 

[Sideways]

It's a bit alarming that my head swings so quickly back into "What would make him like me?" I think there's instantly a lot of shame there that my reflex reaction is to try and cover up.

It's a pity I'm not catching up with my T beforehand, because it would have been good to get some reassurance about how to safely just be myself. My head has very specific ideas about what a date should look like, what I should look like, and how I should behave. It's hard to shift all that.

I think if it was a friend, I'd do coffee at the park so that we're in a space that I'm gonna feel comfortable with my dog. But that's definitely feeding the shame monster. Bleh!

 

[Sideways]

Yep, shame and guilt.

The same old stuff that got programmed into my head. The reason doing something I'm comfortable with makes me feel guilty - there's rules about what I'm supposed to be for guys that show interest. And that's really hard to shake. And it feels really yuck.

I guess I just use this as an opportunity to practice trying to set healthy boundaries, stay grounded and don't automatically switch in a guy's company (which makes it reeeeally important for me to have my dog there), try and not automatically be that person I got taught to be.

I'm not all that sure how to "be myself" in a situation like that - I've never met "the real me" in that sort of dynamic.

And if I really nut up and admit it, I think I'm shit scared!

I'm visiting my mum today, so I'll try and just sit with the feelings and try and recognise that these feelings can't hurt me...what would my T tell me!?!? Aargh!

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Ragdoll Circus I really think that if you take the term "date" out of the equation and your head, and replace it with... "I'm going for coffee with a friend" that this will lessen the FREAK OUT That you are having. You will do fine really, please try and have some faith in yourself. You have mental illness to no fault of your own. It doesn't change the person that you are, it's just something that you have. Try and remember that you are a good person, kind and caring. You show that everyday on this site.

 

[Sideways]

Can't do it. Can't figure myself out. Way too stressed.

 

[The Albatross]

"I guess I just use this as an opportunity to practice trying to set healthy boundaries, stay grounded and don't automatically switch in a guy's company (which makes it reeeeally important for me to have my dog there), try and not automatically be that person I got taught to be." Yup, yup, that and like you said... since the whole "date" thing tripped ya up go back to the idea of meeting a friend and catching up thing.

 

[ladee]

Then simply accept you aren't ready... no shame in that. You do have legitimate concerns. How can you be 'safe'. By following your gut that you aren't ready.... this is not a simple, hey, lets get dressed and grab the dog and go out thing... it's a lot more than that for you... and you are just now getting to where you can be comfortable , sometimes, in your own skin.... so it is simply a hint, this situation... a hint about what you still have to work on to be with a man for a simple cup of coffee... when our mind reels into overdrive... it's just not time yet..... it's not that you can't, it's that you can't 'right now'.

You simply share with him, that a lot of things have changed since the last time the two of you have seen each other... and that right now is not a good time for you... hopefully you will get to continue having phone conversations.... and you will get to know him a little better, and then you may decide he is just not what you want in a date... or.... that he is.... but get to know him better first.....

I hate to use the word 'normal', but your reaction is normal.... just not time yet.... key word, yet... whether it be him or anyone else.... take that pressure off yourself.... you are very wise to know when to push thru something, and this is not one of them, yet.....

Love you very much.... and it's ok.... if he is going to end up a friend, then he will give you the time...if not, then you lost nothing and didn't put yourself thru hell ..... simple... just not time...

 

[Deleted member 541]

I agree with @ladee There is no sense in putting added shit on your plate if you can't carry it. I'm hoping that he understands and that you can still maintain phone conversation for now.... good luck!!!