Relationship I Think That Without Realizing It I Was (am) A Stressor...now What?

[Tiffany3]

I think that I was (maybe still am) unknowingly a stressor for the guy I'm dating and I'm not sure what to do or how to approach him about it now.

We met online and had been talking almost everyday for 2 months. He then suddenly decided he wanted to come see me (he'd been hesitant before). Friday night he booked a flight and was here on Sunday! While it wasn't bad, it wasn't what I was expecting either. We enjoyed each others company and we did become intimate on several occasions but outside of the bedroom, there was no affection. When I made an attempt, he got upset with me. I took this as he wasn't into me and thought that was the end of it but then he got offended when I said that.

He then tried to break up with me the next day after getting home. He said " I came to see you because I wanted to see if maybe spending time together would change anything and it only reaffirmed that it takes a lot of time and dedication to make something like this to work. Trying to maintain something so complex and difficult would be a lot of pressure for me right now. I just don't have the time and energy to invest what you need and deserve into this."

He then went on to tell me that by asking for physical affection, caused him .."a lot of pressure" and said that by doing so I "didn't respect (his) boundaries or wants."

Further into the conversation he admitted to liking me very, very much which just further confused me. He likes me but is breaking up with me? WTF Needless to say, I was so confused and felt blindsided.

Turns out, he was overthinking things, jumping 20 steps ahead of where we're actually at, and freaked himself out. In the end, we decided to keep talking, see each other IF and WHEN our schedules permitted and to take things SLOW.

We talked a little bit the following day, nothing the next day, but for the past two days now HE'S been texting me. Granted no conversation is happening - his text just says "Good Morning :) Hope you have a great day!" I reply the same and then that's it.

In thinking back to our time together, I recall him mentioning PTSD while discussing another issue. This led to me wonder if his behavior and anxiety towards me is where all of this "drama" is coming from. After spending the last few days doing a bunch of reading and research (some thanks to people on this site), I'm wondering if this is because of his struggles with PTSD, maybe I did (inadvertently) cause the pressure and stress he said he was feeling. I would never have done so intentionally!!! He's talking to me but not much right now so I don't want to do or say anything to push him further away but how do I approach him and let him know that now....I get it. I get what he was saying to me when he was discussing breaking up with me. How do I let him know that while I have a lot to learn, I am starting to figure it out and I'm willing to continue to learn and figure it out? I'm not scared and I don't want to run away nor do I want him to push me away. I cared for him before and that has not changed. How do I let him know this?

 

[journey31]

Sounds similar to my situation.
Intimacy can really shake a sufferer up. Mine pulls away any type of intimacy. Not just sex. Hell he doesn't even want to do that anymore. That 20 steps ahead is like him, too.
He kept on about not being ready for a relationship, when all I asked was to see him.

 

[Friday]

He likes me but is breaking up with me? WTF Needless to say, I was so confused and felt blindsided.

All relationships are stress.

Sometimes, no matter how much we like someone, the stress of a relationship is not something that we're able to do at present.

 

[Tiffany3]

I am not pushing for a relationship at all. In fact I'm not sure I'm ready for one though I'm willing to try - as long as we take it slowly. Him jumping 20 steps ahead kind of caused me to freak out a little.

Anyway, I told him if he wanted to end things, I understood and respected his decision but what I wasn't going to do was let him blame our relationship ending on me which is what he was initially trying to do - pick at stupid, petty things as a reason for not wanting to keep seeing me (i.e. me not respecting his boundaries which was COMPLETELY the opposite of what I was doing. If anything I was being extra cautious about making sure I was respecting his boundaries).

He ultimately was the one who decided that he did want to keep talking to me and seeing me - just agreed to take things slow. I just didn't realize slow meant only getting one text a day from him and no other contact. I'm new to the PTSD supporter role and I'll be the first to admit that I knew NOTHING about it prior to a few days ago when I joined this site. That's part of why it blew over my head when he mentioned it. I really didn't think anything of it in that moment.

Right now, I'm just trying to learn about PTSD, my role in all of this, and how best to (or not to) approach him so that I don't cause him further trauma. It sounds like what is happening is "normal" for someone in this situation which in a strange way is comforting.

 

[Sweetpea76]

The best thing to do is relax and take it slow. If you guys decided to just talk, then just talk. If it has only been a week since you had a major relationship change, then he is probably stressed. He is probably also stressed that you're stressed, or that you have expectations now, or that you think there is a commitment, etc. God knows what is swirling around in his thoughts. It doesn't matter if you tell him otherwise... He is going to be worried about it. They stress and worry... That's what they do.

Labeling things and the usual progression of relationship steps can kinda fly out the window with a PTSD relationship. If you're the type of person needs that for peace of mind a security, then it may not be good for you. If you can accept it, then it can work out fine.

 

[Tiffany3]

How long does the stress go on for? Is there anything I can do to help reduce the stress or is it more of what I have a feeling it is and just have to let it go/run its course?

I don't have any expectations for the relationship nor did I request any labels. I even told him if he wanted to keep seeing other people, that was fine (I know he isn't, but I know sometimes guys need to feel like this an option so they don't feel "trapped"). That did seem to help.

I just feel aweful knowing that I caused this incident. I know that I didn't know and so I can't really blame myself but....I just care for him so much and never would do anything to intentionally hurt him. I wish I could apologize and I wish I could tell him that I get it....now. I also wish I could tell him I'm not going anywhere and am doing everything I can to learn about the issue so I can better support him. I want him to know I'm not like the other women he's been with, including his ex-wife who rather than dealing with the issue/trying to learn and help, had multiple affairs whereby making matters worse. :(

 

[journey31]

I am not pushing for a relationship at all. In fact I'm not sure I'm ready for one though I'm willing t...

I don't think you have to push for one for them to think that. I'm not pushing for one either but that's all I hear. I'm not ready. You're pushing for something I'm not ready for.
I have not asked for one. I've told him I'm not ready either. And he still says that.

 

[Sweetpea76]

There's nothing you can do to help him with his stress... And it's not your fault. His stress is his to own, even with PTSD.

As far as how long it lasts... It lasts as long as it lasts basically. There is no telling.

This is why learning to relax is so important. You can make yourself nuts trying to "do the right thing", or walk on eggshells trying not to do the wrong thing, but you're still going to be a source of stress for him. That is something he has to manage if he wants to be in a relationship. If you can't control it, why cause yourself the stress?

 

[shimmerz]

Turns out, he was overthinking things, jumping 20 steps ahead of where we're actually at, and freaked himself out. In the end, we decided to keep talking, see each other IF and WHEN our schedules permitted and to take things SLOW.

I think there was a recent thread about impulsiveness. Might apply here.

 

[scout86]

How long does the stress go on for?

I'm guessing that must have seemed like a reasonable question at the time, but you realize this IS no one, definitive answer, right? From the inside, the perception is that the stress will go on forever or until you die, which ever comes first.

I just feel aweful knowing that I caused this incident.

If what you're dealing with is an out of proportion reaction due to PTSD, then YOU didn't cause it, the mental health issue did. Otherwise, it's totally his deal. You might have been what he's reacting to, but if it wasn't you and the potential relationship, it would be something else. Trust me, there's always something.

I'm not scared and I don't want to run away nor do I want him to push me away. I cared for him before and that has not changed. How do I let him know this?

You could actually TELL him? As opposed to making him guess at what you're thinking. And there's a good chance that's what he's doing, but he may not be doing it very well. Hearing that might freak him out too, but, if you try to live your life by avoiding freaking out, you won't have much of a life.