I thought i was nearly over it

[Scott88]

If you have read my previous posts you will know my T has left me due to unforeseen circumstances and I’ve had to start with a new T at a very very hard time right in the start of me disclosing my childhood trauma for the first time ever.... this regret is massive.. my new T seems a nice guy but I find it hard trusting people and after my old T abandoning me how can I trust another?. I thought I had kind of got past the stage of accepting I won’t see my old T any more, but I’ve not, I got myself into a very very dark place and came so close to giving up everything , my toddler of a daughter was the hope that dragged me out, but tonight I feel myself sinking back into it, I can’t do this , I can’t cope anymore I just don’t know what to do, I can’t live with this flashbacks, I can’t live with these horrific images, thoughts, and feelings any more, I just want them to go away, I can’t make them go away , they are the strongest most real most damaging they have been , me been like this is not fair on my daughter she deserves so much better. I just don’t know what to do anymore

 

[Bananie]

Many many hugs to you. I feel like I could've written this post myself.
My t left the practice I was seeing him at about a year ago, very abruptly. Ive contacted him a few times since to see if we could work together again and never heard back. I still think of him every day.
I've been seeing a new t since December, and its ok. However, last session fell during one of my "blank" times. Where im not necessarily depressed, I just.... I kind of exist, but that feels weird, and I cant really function well, including talking. But I went to my session anyway, thinking, well if ever there is a time to go to therapy, today would be it, right? And he was fine, but he said something that reminded me so much of my old t, that I ended up leaving the session like ten minutes in. All he did was say "if there's anything you need to let go of, you could write it down and put it in this container, and it will stay in there, so you don't have to carry it with you."
i had worked on "the container" with last t, and also he had said one time "I will hold that hope for you until you have it."
So this new t offering a container, that also kind of implied that he'd be there, well, yeah. How do I know that's true? I've heard that before!
So, now that I'm not as blank, and realized that was what set me off, I'm like, well, do I even want to bother continuing? But I guess when it comes down to it, this is just one of those sad universal lessons that we don't want to know/learn.... People are going to come and go and not always be trustworthy and reliable, or even if they mostly are, things still happen. And it sucks. But we don't need to punish ourselves or others and never trust again.
Just be kind to yourself. Honor the relationship you had, and see if maybe this new relationship can work out. And maybe if you don't like this one as much, it won't hurt as much when this relationship ends, hopefully in a positive way. Hope this helps, I'm saying it as much to myself as to you good luck