pumpkinpie
Silver Member
Nothing else could explain how one person could have so many terrible experiences, until I started to read about chronic, then later, complex PTSD. I knew that I had PTSD, but I also knew that there was more to it. What has been discovered only in the past 10 years, about early and/or multiple injuries to the psyche, has made me feel like less of a "magnet" for disaster.
I can't identify myself very well in an introduction that begins with, "I am...", because somewhere in the past 12 years, I lost my identity as it had been. That has been the hardest part of it all. I USED to be able to say, "I'm a daughter, a sister, a mother, a girlfriend, and a nurse practitioner"...but everything is different now. My mother died, and I don't even WANT to be my father's daughter anymore. I used to be estranged from only one sister; now it's both. As I fell apart, so did my relationship with my boyfriend and my two children, and my career is very damaged, probably beyond repair. I guess two things I can say with certainty are that I'm 52 years old, and I am grieving...for EVERTHING lost. And yet, I'm a hundred percent better than I was 2 years ago. I have a place to live (and it's a very nice place), almost adequate income through SS Disability; now I have Medicare, and my relationship with my daughter is much better than before. I'm getting regular therapy, but I spend way too much time at home, alone. I'm afraid of getting overwhelmed and having a meltdown in public, and I think that if someone who cares about me would be with me, I'd be fine. As it is, I'm always alone. Sometimes I go through periods where I don't leave my place for a week, and no one comes here, either. I'm so glad I don't have cats because I'm pretty sure that I would meet the qualifications for a "Crazy Cat Lady"!
There is a great deal to write about, but I don't want to make this too long. I'm hoping that if I like it here I will be able to add on as I want. I'm probably like most of you; I'm not really looking for advice - if I want it, I will ask. At the same time, I catch myself giving advice when none is asked for, probably because of what I did for a living. I hate it when I can't DO something as a response to someone else's problem! I think most of us are like that. :)
I can't identify myself very well in an introduction that begins with, "I am...", because somewhere in the past 12 years, I lost my identity as it had been. That has been the hardest part of it all. I USED to be able to say, "I'm a daughter, a sister, a mother, a girlfriend, and a nurse practitioner"...but everything is different now. My mother died, and I don't even WANT to be my father's daughter anymore. I used to be estranged from only one sister; now it's both. As I fell apart, so did my relationship with my boyfriend and my two children, and my career is very damaged, probably beyond repair. I guess two things I can say with certainty are that I'm 52 years old, and I am grieving...for EVERTHING lost. And yet, I'm a hundred percent better than I was 2 years ago. I have a place to live (and it's a very nice place), almost adequate income through SS Disability; now I have Medicare, and my relationship with my daughter is much better than before. I'm getting regular therapy, but I spend way too much time at home, alone. I'm afraid of getting overwhelmed and having a meltdown in public, and I think that if someone who cares about me would be with me, I'd be fine. As it is, I'm always alone. Sometimes I go through periods where I don't leave my place for a week, and no one comes here, either. I'm so glad I don't have cats because I'm pretty sure that I would meet the qualifications for a "Crazy Cat Lady"!
There is a great deal to write about, but I don't want to make this too long. I'm hoping that if I like it here I will be able to add on as I want. I'm probably like most of you; I'm not really looking for advice - if I want it, I will ask. At the same time, I catch myself giving advice when none is asked for, probably because of what I did for a living. I hate it when I can't DO something as a response to someone else's problem! I think most of us are like that. :)
