I tried an improv class again and I feel bad

[SoulSeeker]

Hey everyone,
I have CPTSD from childhood and various relationship trauma.

I've always struggled with letting go and being social, although I've improved a lot over the years. I'm very lonely right now so I'm trying to find ways to meet people. I had tried an improv theater class once but it didn't really click with me. I figured I would try again thinking it would be a nice way to meet people and that it could be therapeutic for me.

I had the class last night. I had no issues jumping in and participating. People said I looked at ease (a lifetime of masking will do that), some thought I had done theater before. But I was tense, I dissociated a bit and judge myself very harshly. I barely slept afterward because my mind was ruminating so much and the adrenaline was preventing me from relaxing. I'm afraid every class will be more or less like this even though I'm fully aware that it's normal to be stressed at first, it takes time to be at ease. The thing is, I don't even know if I enjoy improv. I'm forcing myself to do it. I'm a bit angry at myself for being so isolated and for not being out there enjoying life so I'm doing something scary on purpose, a part of me is doing this in anger. Before the class, I wanted to give up and not go so I yelled at myself to "JUST DO IT", punching myself in the chest to force some life into me. I'm trying to force myself to believe in a phrase that I hate : "Getting out of my comfort zone". I actually don't have a comfort zone. I'm always scared, even alone in my apartment, I'm always putting pressure on myself, telling myself I will never deserve anything good, especially love and friendship, if I don't become a better person (a fun, social, charismatic, skillful, spontaneous, easy going and confident person).

Coming back to my apartment alone last night was depressing because doing this class was highly stressful and I had no one to validate that I did something hard. People keep telling me to take risks but I've never had anyone in my life support me when I do take risks. I felt very lonely. All of this seems brutal and very dysregulating but a voice in my head is telling me I'm just looking for excuses. I'm tired of having to fight myself. I don't enjoy this. This is supposed to be fun... I don't have the creative drive that I need to enjoy this and tolerate the normal stress of improv. It's much easier to take risks in life when you have a "home base" of safety you can come home to. I don't have that.

I've joined a ceramic/sculpting class too. Maybe this is better for me. Much more relaxed. I'm starting to believe that slow and steady is much better for me. I'm a freeze/flight type and I think it's better for us to actually put less pressure on ourselves in a world that keeps pushing us to improve, be better, and.... "to get out of our comfort zone". But, again, I feel like I'm looking for excuses. I'm ashamed.

I have no energy to power through things anymore. I know healing is painful but I'm reaching a point of exhaustion. My body is in constant pain from the tension and my mind is tired.

 

[Teasel]

Well done for trying something hard..hope you find something that suits you better if you decide you don't want to continue

 

[arfie]

I'm starting to believe that slow and steady is much better for me. I'm a freeze/flight type and I think it's better for us to actually put less pressure on ourselves in a world that keeps pushing us to improve, be better, and.... "to get out of our comfort zone". But, again, I feel like I'm looking for excuses. I'm ashamed.

empathy, soulseeker. in my own case, any human activity is out of my comfort zone. classes, church, street fairs, whatever, whatever. if there are humans there, any excuse will do to get out of it. my shower grout need scrubbing. shame? it ain't the biggest shame in my shame bucket.

but the isolation of that old habit fosters more problems. sigh. . . why can't life be simple?

i have come to believe, fanatically, that the slow and steady is best for me. big, dramatic leaps are too unpredictable. the self-flagellation of shame is not at all helpful.

 

[SoulSeeker]

Thank you Teasel!

empathy, soulseeker.

Thanks arfie!

the self-flagellation of shame is not at all helpful.

It is not. But it was, at some point. It's just hard to replace it with something else that we've never felt.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Well done, I'm impressed, that's a hard thing to do, more impressive with CPTSD.

 

[arfie]

It's just hard to replace it with something else that we've never felt.

amen, i say unto thee, amen. all the more reason to be gentle with myself and patient with the process. my current approach is to replace my self-flagellation habit with a spirit of learning. after years of practice i often feel like that spirit of learning is giving way to learning habits. just a feeling. . . i'm not ready to face a doctoral board.

 

[SoulSeeker]

Good luck to you arfie!