Relationship I Trigger Flashbacks And He Makes Me Responsible. Help!

[Hojay]

@missy meier not to go into full details, but the letter is a note from his doctor that is of personal relevance to me. The nature of it, of course, is quite relevant to what is going on here and my suspicions around him forgetting/avoiding/disregarding my wish to receive it. It's truly quite complicated and untenable at this point.

@NaeNae75 thank you so much for sharing your insight. Yes, it is possible to set a boundary and insist on being treated better. It's just so so hard for me to uphold when he is basically a puddle of tears, hitting himself to get his flashback thoughts out of his head, breaking down at work. How do I reasonably say, "you better treat me better!" at this point. It's like telling a man with broken legs I'm devastated by the fact that he won't come out to dance. When I tell him this in a calm moment, depending on my level of firmness and, yes, anger and hurt, it can cause him to freak out and fall into this mode. It's a lose-lose situation. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I don't want to abandon him at this difficult time, but I don't know how to be the supportive, patient, understanding partner he needs after the treatment I sometimes receive. I'm at a complete loss and am now just paralyzed, unable to move any which way.

 

[Hojay]

That's exactly what it sounds like to me. So, what would have happened if he had said "No" when you ask...

I understand where you're coming from. In this instance, it wasn't a favor he agreed to, but couldn't follow through on. If he had said "No," I would not be in this relationship anymore. I'm starting to feel I should just say what this is all about, but I'm afraid I'll open a can of worms of people's opinions on the matter. I'm just a little afraid I guess.

 

[scout86]

If he had said "No," I would not be in this relationship anymore.

Something that serious........ He may be afraid the relationship will end either way and may feel a bit paralyzed because he can't see any good way out. I could be totally wrong, of course. But it sounds like a situation I wouldn't want to be in, for sure. Something to consider, though, is that he's basically refusing to give you the letter, either by actively refusing or passively refusing. If that's a deal breaker for you, as far as staying in the relationship goes, maybe he's already crossed that line.

 

[Hojay]

If that's a deal breaker for you, as far as staying in the relationship goes, maybe he's already crossed that line.

Yes, that's what I'm afraid of too. He has willingly agreed to get the letter, agrees I should have the letter, and has "attempted" to get the letter many times. But somehow it never seems to happen. Either he had to stay late at work, or he's in a panic mode like he is now, or his friend forgot to bring it to their meetup. Always explanations I found reasonable enough to understand. But I'm now starting to feel run around on, and not knowing if that's happening or if it's much ado about nothing is really driving me nuts.

 

[Hojay]

Alright, I think it's just better if I come right out and say what this darn letter is all about. Like in every one of my relationships, I asked him to conduct an STD screen. Due my personal history, amongst other things, I asked him to also show me the test results in writing. He agreed, got tested, and everything came back clean. I was relieved, of course, and at that point saw my request for letter proof as a formality I'd thought would not be an issue. All this happened 6-9 months ago. Since then he's had the letter sent to an address he didn't have access to anymore, had to go back to his doctor's to request another copy, had it sent to a friend's house where it's now supposedly sitting around. (He has no permanent address at the moment because he's moved cities.) To be honest, I trusted his word and was patient with receiving the letter proof - I realize it's a step more than what other people would request. But the fact that he STILL hasn't gotten it to me, and just seems to forget about it or not regard is as important enough to go out of his way and get it to me has heightened my suspicions significantly. He may be thinking, well, I'm clean anyway, this can wait. But it shouldn't matter how important he thinks it is, it's important to ME. Now he's in this rock bottom flashback situation, and what do I do? Tell him, yeah sorry you're feeling so bad, but please hold off on breaking down and get me that letter so I can see you're not STD invested and/or lying to me about any part in this process. If he's merely let it fall by the wayside because he was too busy keeping his mind in one piece, I can forgive that. If he stalling here because there's something fishy (1. didn't do the test, 2. is afraid to tell me the results 3. never requested paper proof,) I am no longer willing to speak to the man. It feels like too much, all of it.

 

[NaeNae75]

It really isn't the same as asking a man with broken legs to dance....that is what you're telling yourself it is. A boundary doesn't have to be an argument or stated as "you better treat me better!" This thinking is exactly what leads to enabling and co-dependency. Have more faith in his abilities. He's not going to "magically" be better because you decided to set a boundary, but he will learn what is acceptable and what isn't by following your lead. I know it's hard, but it's only lose lose if you don't try.

When he is in a puddle of tears hitting himself, you can say, "I'm sorry you're hurt right now. I'm here for you, and I'll be right here when you are calm enough to talk to me." When he's calm you can say, "I feel very hurt and afraid when you _____. So from now on, when this happens, I can't be physically by you when that happens. I love you and support you, but I have to feel safe too. When ______happens, I'm not going to "leave you", but I will go somewhere I feel safe."

If he's not following through with things you can ask him if he thinks he's capable of doing these things, or if he just says he will to make you happy. Tell him you would rather him tell you if he can't so you don't have to feel like "the bad guy" for taking care of things yourself. Let him know it's okay not to do everything you want, but you aren't going to wait around for those things to get done because it might hurt his feelings or make him mad. His feelings are ultimately his responsibility.

People don't get better spontaneously. If this broken legged man had casts, his legs would heal enabling him to dance in time...if he doesn't have the casts, and his legs keep re-breaking....he never will be able to dance. The boundaries are the casts....not the asking to dance. That's the difference. Things won't get better without them.

 

[NaeNae75]

Alright, I think it's just better if I come right out and say what this darn letter is all about. Like in...

I don't think that request is unreasonable or "out of the ordinary". I always expect it from someone I'm planning to be intimate with. I got one from my s/o years ago, and did the same for him, especially since my prior bf was unfaithful.

In this case, your boundary is "simple"....Until you provide me with that letter, I can no longer be intimate with you...period." If that sends him into some spiral, I think there is something "fishy" going on, personally. In fact, I would be adamant if it were me because it would be something that would directly affect my own health; which is something you have an absolute right to.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you misunderstand boundaries.

I've had MAJOR boundaries put up when I was at my worst. And looking back, thank god that they were put in place as my life could be very different right now, in a very bad way. If people said oh she's in a bad place I can't put up a boundary now, then it would have been harmful to me in the end.

Boundaries aren't for the good times, and 99% of the time we don't think of setting boundaries when all is well. (Why would we? I mean when all is well, out boundaries aren't being crossed!) If the bad times go on indefinitely then the boundary crossing won't ever end.

The std thing------eh I say piss on him. Then again I'm picky about std's and such. Have you had a screen? If not, get one now. And no hanky panky until he gives you that paperwork, not even kissing or hugging------nothing. If he doesn't care about your health, why even be with him?

Have you considered the possibility that he may have a personality disorder? Somehow that's what's standing out to me in all of this.

 

[NaeNae75]

In his rage he said, "you know what that does to me when you say things like that" (referring to me saying he doesn't care,) as well as "I just wanted to have one good night and now this again and I never do anything right and nothing will ever work." In other words, making me personally responsible for his reaction, i.e. if only hadn't opened my mouth, he'd be fine now. Any attempts on my part to make myself heard or rectify the situation is interpreted as "not giving him space" and "not letting him calm down." This can now go on for days. (And I know I can forget about receiving that piece of correspondence from him in the meantime, heightening my fears that he may have actually not been honest about handling that in the first place, ugh)

In light of this with knowing what the letter is...I would be FURIOUS! For him to say "now this again" is super disrespectful. It's not like your asking for something trivial...his reaction would be unacceptable to me. How do you know this letter even exists at this point? His long list of excuses and now blow ups sounds like lies to me. If I were to have genuinely forgotten something, I would feel bad/guilty....like, I'm soo sorry, I feel like I've let you down. If I was upset about bringing up something I didn't do...then I would react this way... Like I would get all angry because I know I have to come up with another "excuse".

 

[Hojay]

@NaeNae75 and @EveHarrington you are so so right. It's not the same things as asking a man with broken legs to dance - that's the wrong way to go about it. I'm disappointed in myself for having been wishy washy with my boundaries. I know the history behind it and I can stand in self-compassion there - but I agree something needs to change. It's the consequences that scare me, knowing that following through, i.e. not being in communication and everything that would entail, hurts me too. But it's a small price to pay in comparison to this insanity - for both of us, not just for me. Thank you for setting my head straight!

Have you considered the possibility that he may have a personality disorder? Somehow that's what's standing out to me in all of this.

I'm willing to believe anything at this point. If you don't mind me asking, what personality disorder do you have in mind and what aspects of my story alert you to it? What other traits would perhaps corroborate that theory? I'm of course not asking you to diagnose him, how could you? But I'm willing to keep and open mind here.

 

[Hojay]

In light of this with knowing what the letter is...I would be FURIOUS! For him to say "now this again"...

thank you for sharing my fury!! To be fair, he's apologized profusely before, said, it's totally only on him this letter keeps falling by the wayside. That it's unacceptable and he will get it to me. In our blow up conversation, he also didn't say "now this again," the conversation went like this:

Me: Could you do me a favor and pick up that letter tomorrow?
Him: I will try to go by his place tomorrow and get it, yes?
Me: You will try?
Him: If he's home I'll go by.
Me: Something tells me he wont' be home. (Yeah, passive aggressive on my part, but gimme a break!)
Him: I'm not getting into this. I'll go by tomorrow.
Me: "I'm not getting into this" is a disrespectful answer to me. I have a feeling you really don't care all that much about what's important to me here.
Him: F*ING SERIOUSLY? *freakout* *blowup* *attacks* You know what it does to me when you say things like that....yadda yadda

Cue: End of the conversation and night and day of flashbacks for him. Needless to say, he did not ask his friend, nor go by his place to get that letter. I admit I did lead him there with the snarky remark, but what on god's green earth am I supposed to do after months of this? EDIT: I know what on god's green earth I'm supposed to do: no hanky panky till I see that letter, end of story.

 

[Neverthesame]

Honestly, if after 6 months of not getting around to something. If all I got from the woman I'm dating, was a bit of snark when asked to do something simple for the millionth time....

I wouldn't think she's overreacting.