I want to cry

[saraemerald]

From a young age, I thought I was going to beat it. Trauma, neglect, abuse, bullying, etc. I was like Pollyanna. Anything negative that happened to me, I looked for the good, I turned it into a game, I told myself it's making me a stronger person, I meditated, nature was my friend, I prayed to a God, I read the bible, I was creative with arts and crafts, I kept myself busy, I had strong faith, I worked hard, I smiled, I studied, I controlled my anger, I mastered patience, excercised, ate healthy, did things for people, volunteered, etc. If someone was mean or disrespectful to me, I figured they just had some issues and didn't take it personally. My parents give me a ton of work to do while they and my sister sit inside, that's OK, my muscles will be stronger, my parents are making me work outside in the cold until my hands start hurting but it's OK cuz I'll just get through it and pretend the sun is shining on me and keeping me warm and I will just appreciate the warmth even more than usual when I finally am allowed inside, I have to eat the same damn food all the time but it's OK cuz I'll pretend it's pizza. It's going to be OK because when I get older, I can move out and finally be free to do whatever I want.
When I finally did move out, I was just so happy and excited to try all these new things I never was allowed or never could when I was kid. I appreciated life when I moved out and thought life was beautiful. Even when my body started flipping out and breaking down. That's OK. I knew my body was breaking downlike that because all the freaking years of crazy stress I endured in my childhood. So I just took better care of myself and slept a lot more so I could heal.
I learned from all those years, how to endure any bad situation, no matter what happened.

Then one day, I sabotaged my positive attitude and became negative. I started hurting myself.
I am still so frustrated that I still don't know what exactly triggered me to do that and I am still a bit hateful to myself for losing myself, the positive soul that decided to make people smile and look for the bright ide of things.

What happened to me!!! =(

 

[Muted]

It sounds like the positivity was a coping mechanism that enabled you to deal with everything. Now that you aren’t in that coping mode, your past feelings may be surfacing. It doesn’t make you a negative person, it just means that there are feelings that need to be acknowledged and let out because it may be safe now to let them out. Positivity will come again.

 

[Freida]

Oh hunny -- -you just got tired of pretending.

You stuffed all that bad down inside and did an amazing job of keeping positive and happy and you kept moving forward. And that is awesome. But. Those bad things don't go away. At some point they will come through your defenses and get you. And then you have to dig them up and work them out -- and that sucks so very much.

But you aren't lost!!! you are just misplaced for the moment --- while you take the time to fix what's broken.

 

[BoN-bOn]

I’m asking myself the same question. You’re not alone. It doesn’t matter how strong you seem & how well you get through it, eventually it catches up with you & you have to deal with it. I’m still a pretty positive person on the outside. I still make people smile. But on the inside it feels like there’s a storm raging that I can’t quiet down anymore. :(

 

[saraemerald]

Is that a reason for me to start acting out? Like I thought these were behaviors rebellious teenagers have. I never went through that in my teens. I was a good, adult already in my teens, very responsible and accomplishing a lot and keeping myself busy. Not wanting to end up lazy or down.

 

[EveHarrington]

If you were once a positive person, you can be a positive person again. It’s ok that you’re in a different place right now. Hugs.

 

[saraemerald]

Oh hunny -- -you just got tired of pretending.

You stuffed all that bad down inside and did an amazin...

I don't even know how I feel anymore. As I was going through this, I left a strict religious cult but didn't even know it was a cult at the time, so I turned it all against myself, thinking I was being selfish and drawing away from God. Since I left, I did tons of things we were not allowed to do in the cult of course.

I’m asking myself the same question. You’re not alone. It doesn’t matter how strong you seem & ho...

I can relate to the putting on a smile for others while their a storm raging inside. It makes my insides all knotted up. Not fun

 

[ladee]

Your PTSD came knocking on the door and your life spun out of control. All the things you did to deal with life wasn't working anymore.
This is PTSD world. Many thigs don't make sense.
So here's the deal, you can keep asking why or you can start working on the craziness PTSD is. Even if you find out "why", you still have to not let PTSD win.
Sending you Lots of hugs!

 

[BoN-bOn]

I can relate to the putting on a smile for others while their a storm raging inside. It makes my in...

The acting out I can relate to too. I’ve never really been in trouble my whole life until recently. Can’t seem to make good decisions now.

 

[saraemerald]

If you were once a positive person, you can be a positive person again. It’s ok that you’re i...

Somehow. =) Thank you

 

[Deanna]

I had the same childhood, more dramatic-- but not the God thing.. or I was already PTSD by then. I remember going to a preacher that shouted but he never caught my attention. I remember riding the church bus with blood running my wrist from where my mother beat me and no one said a word. No one cared. I washed my wrist off when I got to church, I guess I didn't I retain any information.. really. I liked being there and people repeated things.Same thing ( in a different way) over and over. I think there are a million and half ways to say one thing.

So, I'm not in a good spot today..but that is just the day. There are 365 days in a year... so one day isn't bad. Look at the odds. ( sorry all that is catching up with you... let go of for now. Give yourself permission to let go of it for 12 hours and relax. We are here for U.

I wasn't positive, so it's nice that you retained that. I did too. :hug:

 

[Freida]

I don't even know how I feel anymore.

that's ok. I get confused 100 times a day about how I feel because ptsd can melt your emotions into a big sticky ball and getting them unstuck is a pain in the ass. But it doesn't change who you are inside ..down deep.. where that happy, positive girl lives. That's what you were born with. It's still there. You just need to get the gunk moved out of the way so you can see her again