I Want To Disappear

[stillwaiting1400]

I have been having thoughts of hoping that I'll end up in the hospital for a few days, so that I could take a break from life. Sometimes I think of suicide, but then I realise I actually still wish to do something with my life. But, it's just it gets really really tiring. I dread waking up to feel disappointed again. Sometimes disappointment is so common that I feel numb when it happens again. I wanted to stop cutting this year, but I did it again today. Very often I wish I wasn't in this skin. That I was somebody else. I'm not sure what depression feels like, but I know the sinking and choking feeling that I use to feel almost everyday has reduced. Still, I have to remind myself not to be sad, especially when I'm with others. I feel very overwhelmed and cry myself to sleep almost every day. I really wish I would pass out so that I'll be able to disappear for a few days, though it sounds silly. It's like, my mind could take a break from worrying so much for a couple of days. It's also sickening to say that, I wish people would regret how they treated me when they see me unwell.

 

[Sheera]

I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time :( I don't know if a hospital is the right solution or not i can't say but I can relate to wanting to disappear hide run away but you can keep working through it so that you can do the things you want to do

 

[ladee]

I relate to being exhausted from my brain never shutting off.
Are you on any meds to help with that or have self care skills that can help you relax.
Glad you are here. Hopefully we can make some suggestions that will help.

 

[stillwaiting1400]

I relate to being exhausted from my brain never shutting off.
Are you on any meds to help with that or ha...

I'm not on any meds because I'm convinced that I don't need them. It's just there are some occasions when it gets really bad, and that's when I wonder if I need to see the doctor. It's just, I don't want to be labelled as 'crazy' or unwell. My family members don't know about my situation neither do my friends. I mean I do tell my friends about my problems but no one knows what goes on in my head. Sometimes I'm even terrified by what my mind tells me to do.

 

[ladee]

You might work at silencing that noise that insists everything has a negative meaning.
You are not seeing your own courage here. And who has to know you are on meds?
No one!
Meds are to help us. Your brain is on overload.
I have a "busy brain" that leads me straight to hell if I didn't take something to calm down.
THEN I can start to make sense of things.
You have convinced yourself you can do this...but asking for help is really what gets this done.
At least give meds some thought..your way is not working so well.
I'm sorry you care what others may or may not think.
When it comes to me healing...I could care less what others think.
That's the goal here...to help you get better...not please anyone.
Just at least think about it.

 

[stillwaiting1400]

if someone can see this now, please help me. i've never felt worse. feeling like a useless burden to him. i've clung onto him so long doing everything i could for him and now i realise he was never really happy around me. i really did everything i could everything

 

[Sheera]

I'm so sorry you're struggling so much.. It's so hard when those we love don't love us back as much and there is nothing we can do about it :(

 

[stillwaiting1400]

i feel like every last inch of hope i had disappeared. i always knew that somehow he wasn't happy but to really hear it from
him through a friend really struck me hard. he's happier with his friends than with me. i've been struggling with not seeing him for a week and i really thought we could meet again this week. but now that i learnt of this, i feel like i don't even have the right to ask him out anymore. i thought he hurt me and never appreciated me, so i try harder and harder for him to just show appreciation even for a little bit. but now i feel like a waste of his time and lousy. never amounting to what his ex could've made him feel.

 

[Sheera]

I'm sorry a friend intervened and spoke for him that's not ok on so many levels .. If he hasn't been reciprocating your feeling and the effort you've been putting into the relationship than he's not worth your time and effort... No relationship is ever going to be picture perfect but there still has to be mutual respect and a desire to make the relationship work 100% on both sides