I Want To Go Outside

[Bedbug]

It might seem like a small thing, but it is a major change in my thinking.

For nearly three months I have really struggled to leave the house. For the first month I didn't manage it at all. Just leaving my bedroom was overwhelming. Slowly I forced myself to do more and more. Some days are better than others, but on a good day now I can go out with my husband to walk the dogs or go to the shops. I'm trying not to cling to his hand all the time, but I won't let him go out of reach. I went driving twice with him in the passenger seat. Both times were major achievements, but he had to drive back when I got too anxious.

Going out on my own is still a big problem. I can get as far as the bins at the end of the garden path, but that is it. I can't imagine walking down the road. I don't know what I'm so scared of. Actually, no, that's not true.

I'm scared of sensory overload. New things, unexpected things, fast things. I don't cope well with those. I'm scared people will speak to me and I won't be able to speak back. I'm scared they can see straight through me to the craziness in my head. I'm scared I'll have a flashback and start acting out. I'm scared I'll forget what I'm doing or where I'm going and burst into tears in the middle of the road. I'm scared I'll start to panic.

But today I looked out of the window and wanted to go out for the first time. Really wanted to go out. Not just because it is on my mental list of "dares" or "baby steps" but because I just wanted to do it. And I didn't immediately think "What if?" I just wanted to go out.

This feels like a bigger achievement than ticking off things I have forced myself to do. This feels like a real change. I'm not fighting against myself so much. I actually want to do something, not because it is on a list of steps towards recovery, but because I just want to. I haven't felt that in a long time.

 

[franciemarnie]

Yay! I am so happy for you.

Organic change - from the inside out - is my favorite. So many years of imposing from outside onto in. That didn't take so well usually. It's authentic feeling, authentic change, an authentic inside switch it sounds like you've got.

 

[CountryGirl2014]

I am so excited for you:) :) Keep moving forward:) I have had a lot struggles with many different things too.. I still battle it from time to time but no looking back.. Always look ahead to the light:) stay positive and I wish you the best :)

 

[arfie]

Super good stuff! Congratulations!

When I am feeling phobic -full of irrational fears- "What do I want?" is a fearful question for me. What I thought I wanted has too often led me to newer, nastier problems.

Honest cravings from my own heart are a sign that healing has happened. I still proceed in small steps, though. It sure is easy to over-extend myself at these moments. Easy does it.

 

[Everhopeful]

Beautiful! Well done, and good for you dear Bedbug. By the way, I just love that "funnyface cat" in your Avatar. Makes me smile every time I see it! :happy:

 

[Bedbug]

I did it! I did it! I did it!

I took my dogs and walked past twenty one houses, three cars and one person to get to the edge of the village. Then I climbed up a hill and spent two hours walking through streams and bogs and scrambling over rocks and climbing over fallen trees and watching my dogs having fun. I couldn't believe I was outside and enjoying life.

I started to worry on the way back down about how many people would be out and how many cars would drive by and that stretch of twenty one houses seemed awfully long. So I texted my husband and he met me at the bottom of the hill and walked us all back home.

I don't care that I didn't do it all on my own. I did what I did and I have a very big smile on my face.

:)

 

[Woof]

Congrats!!!!!

Some may not understand or see the significance of, "leaving the house". I certainly understand!!! If my house is not on fire.....I have no reason to leave it. It takes a small act of congress and it has to be damn near crucial for me to venture out of my humble abode.

I have recently quit smoking and from what I am told, all sorts of new abilities are soon to return...walking without being winded and such. Well, how many times can I walk around my living room? Thoughts of venturing outside are beginning to creep in, taunting me me with a promise of fresh air, sunlight and other such things. But, my friend, resistance is never to far away, offering constant reminders of why I wouldn't want to do that.

I suspect I will again place my feet on tera firma, it may not be today....but one day :)

 

[Loner]

I think this is pretty common, to view 'outside the house' as scary, but I want to offer an alternative viewpoint, for me, 'outside the house' was scary, but once I went outside the house, I could get to places that were LESS scary than inside the house. What I mean is a house is in a neighborhood, there are people outside, cars driving by, noises, etc, all of which could keep me on edge. Once I could get into nature, completely away from people, I have always felt much more at peace. I know not everyone has access to places where they can get completely away from people but for me it has always been very healing and grounding to go for a hike in the woods or mountains and remind myself that people are just one species of animal on this planet.

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

I am so happy for you. What an accomplishment! I bet you feel like a million bucks. :)

I hope to do the same in the future.

 

[The Albatross]

Timed goal challenges, repeat, repeat, repeat... and as things normalize, re-challenge to see what unfolds. Very glad to read. I remember when I wouldn't go to my mail box. I started my timed exposures in my back yard with a cup of tea.

 

[Bedbug]

Thanks, everyone.

@Loner, I completely agree. I'm lucky in that I live in a very small community surrounded by woods, water and wild things. Getting out there with my husband lately has been very healing but getting out there today, on my own (well, with my dogs) was even better.

When I was a teenager I had this poem pinned on my bedroom wall. I was reminded of it recently and it ran through my mind as I walked today.

THE PEACE OF WILD THINGS

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

— Wendell Berry

 

[The Albatross]

Bedbug, I can now (after about 6 years) go anywhere at pretty much any time solo and deal with the stress for finite times. I even went out of state by myself to meet a couple forum members for 6 days. Goal/timed exposure/challenges work.