I Want To Kill...

[Deleted member 28403]

I'm pissed of, sad, panicked, anxious, nervous, EVERYTHING.

I got stomach ache. And in the morning I had real bad diarrhea, and parents were yelling at me because of that, it was awful... Dad was ramming the door because I wouldn't grt out, they were yelling at me that I waste their time, that I'm a failure and everything. I'm tired. I can't take this anymore. As soon as I arrived back home from the camp, they were yelling at me. They always just yell at me. They take away money I earn. They yell at me that I'm wasting their work hours. I hate them. They just blame me for everything. They get angry at me for everything, call me a failure... I'm angry, I got no nerves for anything atm, I just want to kill something. I can't take this anymore. They just yell at me all the time, I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE. f*cking shit, I hate them. I want to punch the shit out of them, they took away my bathroom key again, so they can force me out of bathroom... Because f*cking work, ARGH, ARGH, ARGH. I hate this f*cking shit

 

[Philippa]

Parents like yours are the reason some people do kill other people...or their parents. Hang in there...they aren't worth losing your lifetime in prison over. Go kill a punching bag or get a baseball bat and just beat your bed to death. They aren't worth it.

 

[Seagreen]

Your writing is very erratic and difficult to make sense of. Are you able to get yourself to a quiet place and explain what happened when you are calmer? It would help us to respond to your post more productively

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

That sounds pretty messed up Otakujome. I felt kind of like you back then when I still lived with my dad (I sort of moved out at 16).
He used to scream at me too, used to be controlling and authoritarian. Well I am happy that it wasn't worse, at least he didn't beat me up physically. Maybe that's a weird way of looking at it Otakujome, but maybe it helps relativize a little bit.

At your age when you still have a small income and are below eighteen you are still kind of dependent on them, and if they use that situation to verbally abuse you that's obviously enraging. It used to enrage me too. I don't know how bad the screaming/verbal abuse is, but you could try to contact child services, although I'm not sure how that's arranged in your country. They could maybe mediate between you and your parents, or just contact them anonymously and discuss the situation.

 

[sun seeker]

I don't know how bad the screaming/verbal abuse is, but you could try to contact child services, although I'm not sure how that's arranged in your country.

He's been given this advice many times, but child services in Croatia are apparently useless. It's so frustrating. I wish there were a way to help, but I've run out of ideas.

 

[StarChild]

They take away money I earn.

Did your parents told you, why they take away your money? What would you use that money for? Could it be, that they are worried, that you would buy alcohol or another drug with it? This questions is not to blame you, but as far as I remember, you told us more than once, that you already drink hard stuff. And you're simply to young for alcohol... I ask you this, because one of your statements about your drinking, which I quoted first below, stems from yesterday the 12th. Could it be, that the reaction of your parents had to do with your intake of alcohol? Oh, by the way, alcohol does give you a bad diarrhoea, when drinking to much. Which you obviously did...

The last day I just drank, like, whatever I could, I drank 11 glasses of wine and 1 glass of whiskey, and went to sleep a while later, sad and depressively

just like when I get drunk to set myself free a few times a year. When I drink I feel good, but I'm not alcoholic,

I am not alcoholic, I don't drink alcohol often, it just really frees me.

I am naturally tolerant to substances. Takes me a liter of rum or whiskey to get drunk to a level of being a bit slower. So it's not buildup tolerance, it's natural tolerance.

Otakujome, maybe just one little thing... I think, people would have listened to you without using such an extreme title... - To kill "something" is not an option. Or do you really want to start to harm, or even destroy others lives, may it be animal or human? Are you aware, that you would destroy your own life too, by doing such a horrible thing?

 

[anonymous]

As a parent of two teenagers I see two sides to this, The more you rebel the tougher things get, I know how hard it is going through life with PTSD and I also know that when I read your posts I see stored anger, I am not one to give advise on the best way to release anger as my fists have gotten me in a lot of trouble and caused me more problems than they have solved, My wife dose most of the yelling at the kids in our house because I have no off button, meaning that I take things to far, I don't hit them but I do tell them what I think and often hurt there feelings, My wife asks them to do things and I tell them, Does this sound like your situation.

 

[anonymous]

Agree with @TreeHugger. If you are drinking out of control then they will be worriied sick and desperate. If you are seriously thinking of killing them then you need to see a psychiatrist now. I hope this is venting and you can talk to a therapist.

 

[anonymous]

And it does sound like you are drinking way too much and should get yourself into a program.

 

[anonymous]

In fact I just realised you are 14. No way should you be drinking.

 

[anonymous]

The drinking is not optimum @otakujome.

I hope that you are okay.

@TreeHugger is right - you don't need to post such dramatic titles to get feedback, love and care.

I know what it is like to live with such abusive parents. I really do. I would suggest that you title your posts more along the lines of "I am feeling like I want to.." or "Intense feelings..." It is important to start to contain yourself a bit more, which is pretty unfair as you are 14, but titles like these need to be tempered down.

 

[Friday]

@anonymous Uncontrolled drinking is dangerous with PTSD in any event, removing inhibitions isn't the safest thing on the planet when all one has left is self control... But while it's been awhile since I was last in the Balkans, it was legal in most places at the time for teens to consume alcohol, even if it wasn't always legal to sell it to them. So, too, in large parts of Europe.

@otakujome My parents weren't abusive, but I didn't get to keep any of the money I earned until I left home, either. All money made by we children went to the adults, and I was working from age 11 or so onward. I enlisted in the military at 17, in part, to be able to live my own life (my siblings stayed home & went to college/uni, I needed more freedom, <laughing> Ironic that the military equalled more freedom, yes?).

You would have been very young during the Croatian War of Independence, and although I know first hand/ for a fact the Balkans have been bloody long after 1995 I don't know how much spilled into Croatia or how much you've seen or participated in. Hell, one of the best shots I've ever known was 8 years old. Village kid. Damn artist with long distance shots. Used to dance like a monkey the last few thousand meters to his village, in case he was the one on the scope. Other kids, going to school in different basements in Bosnia & Kosovo cause of bombs dropping, or violence in the streets left them more ready/willing to act than most paid soldiers. Kids scare the living crap out of me, to be honest. Kids who grow up in violence don't blink before responding in kind, or acting first. Great survivors, kids. I'd rather face 10 adults than a 10 year old. So, you would have been young during the wars, younger than that 8yo, and you are still young... But I'm going to take what you wrote literally : that this is an option for you, and one you're trying not to employ.

I know, for myself, I've seen enough death it is very, very hard not to go right back to those solutions when I'm under a lot of stress. In fact, the stress of doing nothing is 1000x harder than the initial stress that triggers things to begin with. Literally been curled up in a ball screaming with the pain of not acting on more than one occasion. Although more usually, I have a bit more self control than that, it's still not easy.

I'm not going to say the world is a better place for having assholes in it, and quite frankly I'm not doing anyone else besides me any favors by choosing to let some of these people live. The benefit is my own. I refuse to let anyone take away my self control. No one else can make me act. No matter how much I might want to. No matter how much it hurts. No one can goad, bully, trick, or force me to do anything to anyone else -including themselves- that I don't choose to. It's a victory no one else sees, and no one else knows, but me. I might want to kill someone -or beat them senseless-, I might have damn good reason to, but they cannot make me. <grin> I can even take some pleasure in their attempts to try and force a reaction from me. But they won't win. They can make me bleed, break, cry, hurt... But they cannot make me act. Only I can make myself act. Self control really f*cking sucks, sometimes. But it's also one of the most powerful things out there. Every time you master yourself and your own impulses is a victory. Walking away from a fight takes a helluva lot more strength than jumping in.