Sexual Assault I Was Addicted To The Abuser

[LizaB]

Quite a few years ago I got into an abusive situation with a boss/employer. I was very vulnerable at the time.
Anyway I developed a kind of trauma bond and no matter what I couldn't break it off. 3 years later I moved back home. I was like a zombie by that time.
But even after all the damage- after learning more what it was & everything- I still contacted him- to tell him I'm sorry, I was wrong, to tell him I'm doing better now, etc. Very baffling. illogical.

And then even after therapy, talking to safe people, even after confessing to a priest...(trying to manage the guilt/shame) I ended up repeating the scenario with somebody else. Another boss, another person in authority.
(Trauma re-enactment/ repetition compulsion- I'm pretty sure) this happened a few times. I thought I was an addict. I guess I was, of sorts.
The hospital was my 'second home' and I was understood as being bipolar. But the bipolar meds never did anything. I always just felt the same.
I eventually joined some 12 step groups & had therapy.
Mainly the therapy was more effective... I just get confused sometimes/ baffled with the absolute powerlessness over my actions. Despite all my efforts to heal & get better.
Now I'm just trying to go back to original situation to see it for what it was. That is helping.
Sometimes it's just this whole process is hard to understand and also very easy for others to judge.
I guess I'm wondering if there's anyone else out there who developed trauma bonds and/or repetition compulsion and if they are healing from it, etc.
:tdown:

 

[GMW]

I think I did too. I was 15 when I first experienced it. 22 yr old guy, sexually abusive. I was heartbroken when he told me he was actually engaged and wanted nothing to do with me. I saw casualty this week (I'm in the UK) and it was this scenario where the young girl (15) had to be told what she'd experienced with an older guy was wrong. The woman explaining said "he saw a little girl in a grown up body who just wanted someone, anyone, to love her" I was triggered and had to leave the room and stop watching.

Then again, almost exactly the same scenario. 24, at work with a 40yr old married guy. He blackmailed me, he knew how vulnerable I was as I have been abused by others (11 in total, not just trauma bonds as you call it) and was just coming out of an emotionally abusive marriage. He was abusive to me yet I still could not see it for what it was.

It's bloody confusing, isn't it? Why we repeat the same patterns over and over and over again. Why we fall for people who hurt us.

I think for me it was because I thought this was what love was. Love = abuse. Love = chaos.

 

[LizaB]

I think I did too. I was 15 when I first experienced it. 22 yr old guy, sexually abusive. I was heartbroken...

Yes, it is bloody confusing
And so hard to heal from-
I am married now- and our issues are beyond complex- I have to learn to not project my old subconscious pattern onto him- but it's there sometimes.
I know real love is not abuse- but I sometimes feel it's so hard to even love myself.
Healing a little more each day though

 

[Deleted member 33052]

These things we do - these crazy, irresponsible decisions we make are our attempts to satisfy unmet needs. Unfortunately very few people are able to correctly identify the need that they're trying to satisfy, and even fewer actually understand how to do it.

That leads is to repeat the mistakes we make because we *think* we're on the right track. We know that the last time didn't work, but we hope that the next time might...

It hurts my heart to think of the pain that we cause ourselves in our attempts to lessen our pain. :(

 

[Twilight]

Quite a few years ago I got into an abusive situation with a boss/employer. I was very vulnerable at the...

I want to respond to one part of your message. I was diagnosed as bipolar and the meds did nothing but hurt me with side effects. Counseling DID help, which goes to show the bipolar diagnosis was wrong, and the CPTSD diagnosis i have now is correct. When my self esteem healed and I realized what REAL love is (emotionally supportive, not destructive), then I quit seeking out traumatic relationships.

I had to heal from the "worthlessness" and shame i learned as a child, and learn how to love myself. Now, when i meet damaging people who are emotional destructive, i run the other way and dont look back. Before healing, i was drawn to those people, as they felt "comfortable" and " familiar". Just like family....(the family i was raised in)

 

[Sideways]

These things we do - these crazy, irresponsible decisions we make are our attempts to satisfy unmet needs.

This.

Repetition compulsion describes most of my relationships (ok, all of them!) for the last 15 years.

For me? I'm treating it a bit like an addiction that I just plain old need to stop, so that I can prioritise resetting my own self concept and my recovery.

The unmet need is key. And I think for me, it's "love". I associate the behaviour of abusive sh!theads as love because that's what I learned as a kid. Understanding that will maybe give me space to forgive myself for retraumatising myself over and over in the past.

Learning new healthy relationship patterns? That's a work in progress!

 

[Deleted member 33052]

This.

Repetition compulsion describes most of my relationships (ok, all of them!) for th...

Dear, sad Ragdoll, what's to forgive? The mistakes you've made were your very best attempts to meet your needs, and ultimately to survive. Self-compassion for the pain that you've endured seems more reasonable to me. (((Ragdoll)))

 

[Ronin]

The mistakes you've made were your very best attempts to meet your needs, and ultimately to survive.

I'm borrowing this line. Well said.

 

[Sideways]

@Mal Content - that's a fridge-worthy quote. Big thank yous for that.