Undiagnosed I Was Sent To A Mental Institution Against My Own Will!! I Think I Have Pstd! Help Me

[Johnny Q]

Hi I'm new to this group and to be honest I never been in a group like this so bare with me. I had a forced hospitalization after I went to our local ER with my 4th really bad anxiety attack. I had 4 in one month after a very traumatic 3 weeks. I am 36 years old and have battled depression and anxiety since I was 13 when my parents had a horrible divorce. Then at the age of 20 I was ejected from my car in a severe car accident and received severe head trauma among numerous other injuries and a 4 month stint in a wheel chair following the accident. I had to undergo a little over a year of treatment to recover my short term memory. In a 3 week period my father went in a coma due to lack of oxygen caused from sleep apnea mixed with 4mg of dilaudid he was taking for pain from lymes disease.I had to make the decision to take him off life support and sit there with him for 25 mins and 37 seconds till he finally passed away. My father was my BEST FRIEND, my hero, and my pseudo therapist. I talked to him at least 2 times a day and always hung out with him. I was with him the sat and sun before I got a phone call on Monday that he was in an ambulance heading to the hospital in a very bad state. He was in charge of a juvenile detention/mental institution and had just retired after 30 years. I would call him and he would have hour long talks with me to help me get through my depression, anxiety, and anger. He meant everything to me and also got me through my 36 years of life that has been a very rough 36 years because of things I couldn't control and things I brought on myself. 4 days before I took my father off life support my younger sister, his daughter, had a C section and gave birth to a beautiful little girl. My father was on life support for 13 days until I took him off on the 14th day when the doctors informed me that the test results declared him completely brain dead. I was by his side every minute of during the 14 days never leaving the hospital. A few weeks before that me and my wife were in the middle of divorce talks and thinking of seperating. Which wasn't my idea so I was totally against it but she had made her mind up and I had to go along with it. The mix of my father's death, my marriage dissolving, and my poor sister having her child when her father was in a coma brought on feelings and emotions that I haven't felt since before my accident. The new feelings caused me tons of anxiety to say the least. I haven't felt these type of emotions for over 16 years. I went to the ER on my 4th anxiety attack cause it felt like I was having a heart attack and an elephant was sitting on my chest. Well my mother came in and not being very educated about how the mental health world works told the mental health social worker at the hospital she thought I was having thoughts of suicide cause she thought I would go away for 2-3 days at the most to straighten out myself. I told her specifically not to say anything like that since I knew the repercussions. Next thing you know I wake up in an ambulance 2 and a half hours away at a mental health hospital or institute depending on who you talk to. Needless to say I was there for 2 weeks which felt like an eternity. During those 2 weeks I witnessed horrible things due to the fact patients with anxiety problems were mixed in with complete pyschopaths that were in for very messed up stuff including killing animals, rape, extreme suicidal tendencies, and a whole lot of craziness and violence. The hospital was horrible and a lot of things happened there that should of been avoided. There was 3 rape attempts one being successful. So much unprovoked violence I would be here for 3 days telling you all the stories. And a non stop 24hr a day psychotic outbursts and extreme psychotic Episodes. That stuff was bad enough but you add in the horrible treatment the staff gave the patients you have a very traumatic atmosphere. I only slept 2 hrs a night for 2 weeks due to the constant fear of violence and craziness. We were treated like prisoners in a jail. We should of been treated like patients but not at this place and no one there could tell me and the many others that were there for anxiety and depression why we weren't seperated from the extremely violent and psychotic patients. Needless to say I just got home on Friday and I'm a mess. I feel so much anxiety and complete paranoia now which I never had before the stay at the hospital. I'm actually a hell of a lot worse with a host of many new problems I've never had before. During the stay at the horrible mental institution I had a complete melt down that was just filled with anger and rage. I caused a complete lockdown and went completely into rage mode and pretty much had what you prob would call an adult temper tantrum cause they said I needed to stay longer and I wanted to leave. I haven't had a complete all out freakout since I was 13 or 14. I should of never been sent there. Needless to say I feel completely messed up in. The temper tantrum did something to me and got rid of all the feelings of grief and sadness and replaced them with anger and rage and changed my entire attitude for the rest of my stay and from that point on i no longer grieved or felt all the despair. I treated everyone in the hospital as a hostile threat to me and pretty much went into a Full on defensive and offensive mode to keep myself safe. I don't know if that stuff qualifies me as a person with PTSD but I sure as hell have all the symptoms and a complete feeling of the affects of being institutionalized. I'm a mess. Can anyone help me please my family doesn't understand mental disorders and problems and now my main coping mechanism is gone ( my father ). Plus since I have 3 beautiful sons 14, 10, and an 18 month old baby my separation is rough even though my wife is willing to try and work things out I'm a complete mess and not in any shape to deal with all this stuff happening to me. Sorry for going on for so long but I needed to get it out and reach out for some help to understand what's happening to me!!! PLEASE HELP ME!! One more thing I will never set foot in a mental health facility ever again or go to that hospital cause I mentally can't and I'm scared I will be sent back.

 

[shimmerz]

Johnny, I am so very very sorry this has happened to you. What a terrifying experience. I too, believe that anything is better than hospitalization (although not true for everyone), based on my past experiences.

I find that there are aggravators when one is fragile, and you had EVERY reason to be fragile given the mass quantity of stresses that you have going on right now. And these aren't just baby stresses either.

I would recommend keeping your world very small right now. Give yourself permission to not expect a ton from yourself. Reach out if it feels good to you so that you can still feel connected in ways that feel right and supportive.

Big huge hugs to you my friend. You made it through.....

 

[Johnny Q]

Johnny, I am so very very sorry this has happened to you. What a terrifying experience. I too, believ...

Thank you my family just doesn't understand the horrible repercussions that I will forever have to deal with and I feel allbalone on this

 

[shimmerz]

my family just doesn't understand the horrible repercussions

Family rarely does, so try not to take that on as a failure of your own.

I will forever have to deal with

I know it feels like that right now. Try not to let this invade your brain too much, try not to let it wire in too deeply. It is still raw, it is still so vivid.... and the shifts in your life have been devastating, obviously. It would be to anyone. You are not an anomaly in your reactions. As life settles down so will you.

You aren't alone. Many of us have had similar situations/feelings/experiences. Most of us 'get it'. Come here to 'fill up' and be validated, or get different perspectives.

 

[Johnny Q]

Family rarely does, so try not to take that on as a failure of your own.

I know it feels like that r...

This group and all the therapy will help I think but man is it gonna be a long hard road

 

[LuckyDuck]

Hello Johnny Q,

yes, does sound like you have PTSD.

Like Shimmerz said, don't expect a lot out of yourself in the next little while. It sort of seems redundant, because of what you have on your plate. Do you feel comfortable telling your wife that right now you need to take things slow? That's part of allowing yourself mental space. It's not comfortable to reach out and ask for mental space (it doesn't mean cutting off contact, it's about handling things more slowly) but it's part of keeping you and those around you aware that you currently have limitations because of what happened to you. It doesn't make you weak. It's a sign of strength to tell people around you that you recognize your limits and still want to work on things but that you need breathing room. It's either that or things get dealt with messily.

You need to use coping strategies. Talking is one of them, for you. Talk about what you feel comfortable talking about. We'll be here to listen and input as much as we can. You need to talk to a professional, whether psychotherapist, therapist, at the least, a councillor. It's difficult to build the relationship at first and don't fault yourself if you feel unable to do so right away.

I've been through hospitals. I've been in defensive mode while in there. I've been in surreal states while being in there. I've lost supports. In my journey, I have learned that new supports come in. Strategies to help cope are out there.

My best strategy is to splash cold water in my face. After a bit my brain just switches from anxiety to something different because of the temperature change. It allows for some focus so that I can then go to the next coping strategy (TV, youtube, talking with someone online or offline, my self-keep like eating, drinking, taking a shower, not wearing my pajama's, being somewhat presentable).

People will offer examples of their coping strategies too, you can try them out, see what works for you.

Keep in touch,

LuckyDuck

 

[SURVIVING STILL]

I am so sorry that you have had it so rough. Seems we all have a lot on our plates dealing with the depression, anxiety, disconnections and all, and yes trying to heal is a challenge but it can be done.

A therapist would be a good idea. It would give you that someone to talk to since your dad has passed.
It takes time but its worth it in the end. Well, that and medications. But the main thing is to remember to breath and go at your pace.

That hospital you were in sounds awful. We are people who have special needs and that place sounds like no ones needs are met if everyone is just thrown in there and forgotten.
The hospital I was in last for suicidal tendencies was pretty rotten too. We all need a safe place to retreat to in order to get things straighten out to where we can function in an ordinary and satisfying way.

This is kinda like that. There's so much tenderness and care here. And with that it brings hope for better and brighter days. So stick around you might just find some relief and I know you will have support here.

Best wishes for your recovery.

 

[Chava]

First, welcome. I'm sorry for all you've been through...it sounds really overwhelming. I've been in a shitty psych ward before. One of the nurses was nice, the rest treated us like we were idiots or dogs. I was mixed in with people with all kinds of mental health issues but that did not scare me...they were humans needing help, like me.

In reading over your story, I'm tempted to suggest you have symptoms of PTSD because you were ejected from your car in a crash...and all those other stressors caused your stress cup to overflow (panic attacks), and that the treatment at the hospital was simply unhelpful. The hospital I was at was very much just about holding us and not letting us kill ourselves...not trauma-oriented at all. You just got the wrong help and it's really unfortunate if it's turned you away from the possibility of seeking good help for yourself.

One more thing I will never set foot in a mental health facility ever again or go to that hospital cause I mentally can't and I'm scared I will be sent back.

You don't have to go to an institution. But would you be willing to specifically research therapists who are trauma specialists (specialize specifically in PTSD) in your area? You can take ownership of that. I was able to research for a better therapist for myself. I talked to her on the phone, then met with her...she learned a little about me, I learned a little about the therapy she did. I could have decided to not go back, but it seemed like a good fit. It's been extremely important for helping me understand my trauma, manage my symptoms, and also not feel so alone (my closer friends want to understand but they just can't). We can be supportive here too, so it's awesome you reached out. And you don't have to do therapy. But don't close off the idea of seeking the right kind of help if you need it...sounds like you just ended up in an unhelpful place.

PTSD symptoms don't always surface right away after a trauma. But I'd have little doubt there is a stress overload and dysregulation in your nervous system from being ejected from the car, the head trauma (that as the primary big "T" trauma, most likely, but absolutely compounded by the other stress). Rage is a pretty common response to trauma...what i'm suggesting is that the rage and intensity of feelings originated likely with your accident and feeling locked up and trapped in a shitty psych department probably exposed that to you by blowing the lid off. I'm not sure if this makes sense. I did much worse in settings like this. But I am doing well with a trauma therapist that I chose. I fully agree the program you were in was probably NOT the right help. But you deserve a good understanding of trauma and also supportive people who also understand trauma (people here and if possible, being really selective in finding a therapist).

 

[Johnny Q]

First, welcome. I'm sorry for all you've been through...it sounds really overwhelming. I've been in a shit...

I'm looking for help in my area also going to a neurologist but man those places are horrible I'm totally in shock/stress overload and my wife, mom and most of my good friends just don't understand

 

[Chava]

Glad you're looking for help. Do you have a GP that you trust? They might be able to make a referral (or the neurologist), or also help you consider possible meds if that might help for now. Aside from those routes, in a regular day I sometimes need exercise or an escape route...or cutting something out of my schedule if overwhelmed. It's hard if you have demands and others in your life who don't understand, I know. Stick close to those who might understand and don't worry about disappointing others much right now if they don't understand. Create some space for yourself if needed. Rest or outlets for the trauma energy (I need more of both usually...tricky balance some days).

 

[Marina124]

Welcome to the forums. I'm sorry for all what you have gone through.
I suggest you to find someone to talk with, a therapist or someone you are close with, a person who loves you, cares about you and wants to help you. If you believe in god, I suggest you pray for your father. It is natural, that you are felling sadness and grief because your father meant you a lot, but you should understand that death is just going on another world. We are sad because we can't be any more with the people we loved, not because of them. I'm sure that your father was a good person and that he will always live in your heart and memories.
I'm sorry for all that you have been through in mental institution but, thrust me, the best way for not getting back is getting back in your everyday life. It will be normal for you to be sad, but you must show to the others that you are able to get back to normal life.
I also suggest you to talk with your wife and try to avoid divorce because children need both parents and even if they are small and then don't understand yet what is divorce, they still fell that something isn't ok.
Best wishes

 

[Fadeaway]

I am extremely glad you found us. Obviously none of us can say whether you have PTSD or not but if I had to put money o n whether a professional would diagnose you as such, I wouldn't mind laying a few bucks down.