I was the one with the trauma, yet I felt like I was the one having to make accommodations for my ex.

[Nicola]

I (22F) was talking to and connecting with my ex (21M) at the beginning of the year, and officially dated for 3 months. We had been talking and getting to know one another for about 6 months prior, and this was his first relationship.

It was fine before when we started getting to know one another, but seemed to fall down hill once we started dating. It somewhat felt like despite having so many issues, trust issues, PTSD, and so on-- I had to navigate both of our emotions. I had to often go into deep explanations about my feelings so he would understand, followed up by reassuring him that it was okay that he didn't understand. There were times where he would drop the ball, like me confiding in him about my trauma and past, having to help him understand it, then him swiftly leaving me to go to bed after I reassured him. As well as a time when I was really not okay, and having really painful thoughts, I asked him to call (not to talk or anything, simply just to hear another person). He left me waiting for a couple hours, to then tell me he couldn't bring himself to do it. A month later I remember lashing out saying "if I were really not doing well, what would you even do if I woke up and wasn't there anymore, because you couldn't get on a stupid call and not say anything!?" (Which I know was cruel of me).

There are other instances of this, but these two are the more prominent of them. I put in a lot of effort into that relationship, he didn't really plan or make an effort, he didn't go out of his way for me unless he knew it would work, and he would immediately shut down whenever I wanted to talk about our relationship. In the end I ended up hated myself, I felt worthless, unlovable, and as though if someone really thought I was worth it they would have put in the effort. In the end when we broke up, I said I didn't need him, I didn't need to stay, that I have people who care about me, and I deserve someone who makes me feel seen and worth their time (Which he said I was mean for, which is fair, I understand how much it would hurt to hear that).

Honestly, this relationship truly made me feel that maybe I'm not cut out for dating. I feel like I'm a burden because of my trauma to others, and I wish I was someone more palletable and ordinary so that maybe I would have an easier time connecting with people. No matter how well I try to communicate and accommodate my partner, it always felt like I was just carrying it all alone, and maybe in the end I should've known better. I genuinely regret even dating again, because it feels like it ruined so much of the progress I made in myself, and I once again am back to square one with feeling as though I'm right to not trust anyone or open up. He really is a great guy, but the entire thing was a waste of my time.

I guess what I would like is some perspective from different people.

 

[Friday]

No matter how well I try to communicate and accommodate my partner, it always felt like I was just carrying it all alone,

Sounds like you were just trying too hard? Square peg, round hole.

He really is a great guy, but the entire thing was a waste of my time.

And for too long.

***

Just because someone is a good person doesn’t mean you’re obligated to MAKE things work, and if they don’t it’s your fault.

Breaking up with a great person??? Is. A. Good. Sign. Bare Minimum aka Baseline Standard : Date great people. As a goal, ONLY date & break up with great people.

 

[Movingforward10]

You realised it wasn't for you and it ended. That's good? 3 months really is not a long time. Not a waste. A learning experience.
What have you learnt from it ? About yourself. Not about him
.have you learnt how you want relationships to develop?
Have you learnt about communication?
Have you learnt about expectations?

Take learning from it and take that learning in to new relationships.
One (brief) relationship doesn't need to end your relationship career. That, I would say, is the PTSD binary thinking.

I would also suggest that telling someone about your trauma dn expecting them to manage when you have only been dating 3 months is A LOT to put on someone. Maybe take longer to open up in that way? Test the waters a bit more. Bring more joy in to the relationship ?
.
The beginning of relationships should be fun, exciting, building foundations. If it feels too much like hard work: then it is too hard work and should end. Which is what you did. So go you!

 

[arfie]

Honestly, this relationship truly made me feel that maybe I'm not cut out for dating.

i decided this was true for me in the late 60's when i started high school. i had "friends with bennies" but i always paid my own way when i went out with friends of whatever gender. i found my husband in the late 70's over the course of building a life i wanted. we were friends moving in the same direction for quite some time before we joined resources in 1980. the pragmatic approach to our relationship kept us afloat while our more romantically inclined friends were doing divorce dramas.

dunno. . . for sure, the dating rituals are not for me. by my measure, i've known my hub-a-lub for 47 years and we still haven't had our first date. you can keep your "date nights."

 

[Nicola]

You realised it wasn't for you and it ended. That's good? 3 months really is not a long time. Not a waste. A learning experience.
What have you learnt from it ? About yourself. Not about him
.have you learnt how you want relationships to develop?
Have you learnt about communication?
Have you learnt about expectations?

Take learning from it and take that learning in to new relationships.
One (brief) relationship doesn't need to end your relationship career. That, I would say, is the PTSD binary thinking.

I would also suggest that telling someone about your trauma dn expecting them to manage when you have only been dating 3 months is A LOT to put on someone. Maybe take longer to open up in that way? Test the waters a bit more. Bring more joy in to the relationship ?
.
The beginning of relationships should be fun, exciting, building foundations. If it feels too much like hard work: then it is too hard work and should end. Which is what you did. So go you!

Thank you so much for your response! You're right in that it was a stepping stone in some ways. I guess the only thing is that I already knew a lot of what I wanted, as I've had relationships before (serious and mostly unserious). However, it was his first and I think regardless of the half a year I took prior dating to get to know him and slowly opens up, it fell short. It simply feels like a waste of my time because I didn't learn anything new in myself, it just reaffirmed what I knew and my exhaustion and lack of trust in others.

You gave me solid advice and for that I'm extremely grareful! How long would you suggest I take to open up to someone? I would say we were friends/talking for about 5-6 months before dating and spent 3 months together, so in total that's 8 months of knowing.