I Will Be "punnished"

[Justmehere]

I had a therapy session yesterday that was INCREDIBLY intense. It was hard and intense for a lot of reasons, but it was a good session. I was able to put into words that one of my strongest negative core beliefs is that "I can't handle it and I'm going to be punished/hurt/abused/penalized because I can't handle it." Which includes even handling my own internal pain, as well as external events. (My therapist and I did a lot of work with this - and we will keep doing a lot of work around it.)

By punished/hurt - it's not like a fear of natural or normal consequences. It's much more intense. It's really twisted. It's child thinking and adult thinking all interwoven. It makes me shiver to even think about it. I am glad to be finally dealing with it, but I feel very embarrassed and weird about it all. Does anyone else struggle with this belief for themselves?

 

[FindingMyself88]

I struggle with this too. I'm afraid if I am honest with people, they will hate me, judge me, punish me, etc. It causes SEVERE anxiety for me when thinking about what someone else thinks about my issues.

 

[arfie]

Yup, it is a biggie for me. That and waiting for the big kids to come and take away my toys. Complicate it with the reality that actions really do have natural consequences and I fall into emotional paralysis...

I am still sorting through it one round at a time... Sure wish I had a magic pill for it.

 

[whserenitynluv]

Me too! I run for the hills so they don't have to even think about it, or run when things get to intense. The exact reason I am here. I don't feel like I'll be punished per say, but I feel like I won't be accepted, and my shiny outside will dim and be mocked. My only wish in this lifetime is to undo that and open up.... Sometimes I feel like I'll never find someone who accepts me with my damages who is half way decent, like I'm stuck to abuse because they can't relate to me

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I have a HUGE issue with right and wrong because of the fear of being punished. And doing the wrong thing can include not being able to control my feelings, reactions, or thoughts in what should be the right way. Of course I can completely view it the other way, too- I can't admit my thoughts need to be fixed because that would be wrong. And being wrong always leads to punishment. Not sure if it's the same as what you mean, but it sounds close.

 

[Sammyiam]

I was able to put into words that one of my strongest negative core beliefs is that "I can't handle it and I'm going to be punished/hurt/abused/penalized because I can't handle it.

I know exactly how you feel, I cope with this every day it drives me insane it really does. I have a slight twist to you as I think I'm going to die a horrible slow death because I've done something wrong and it's all my fault, and that I've been a bad person. I am so scared of things that it is driving me crazy. It is my worst thing that I have to deal with and the one thing if I could get rid of one thing that would be it.

 

[rainbow1]

I understand too. Its petrifying trying to figure out the rules so that I don't get it wrong and feel like I need to be punished. When the feeling of deserving punishment gets too much in the past I have found someone to punish m which only adds to the shame. It's something T and I talk about a fair bit now.

Talking does seem to help though.

 

[Hope4Now]

I was able to put into words that one of my strongest negative core beliefs is that "I can't handle it and I'm going to be punished/hurt/abused/penalized because I can't handle it." Which includes even handling my own internal pain, as well as external events.

It's eerie that you posted this and I just read it. I've been really scrambled up for more than a week now, but this morning I felt a little clearer and stayed home and wrote in my journal for a while. Came to the realization that way down deep in my core, I developed the belief that I'm incapable of doing much of anything right. I can't handle anything. I am just wrong as a person. I don't belong in this world. And the emotional reaction I have to that belief is pure terror...terror of being found out...terror of being harmed in response to my inadequacy...terror that I will die as a result...and that it will be all my fault.

It's completely irrational, but very real. I'm ashamed of it, so I fight the awareness of it 24 hours a day. It was only this morning that it hit me consciously that this is one of the roots of the constant fear in my body. It's not the memories...it's this belief and my reaction to it. It goes a long way toward explaining the mismatch between my perceptions and conceptions of myself.

It's child thinking and adult thinking all interwoven. It makes me shiver to even think about it.

Yes. I actually shiver. A lot. The hurt inner children and the thinking adult all mixed up at once make for an experience of chilling intensity.

I'm glad you're working on this with your therapist and that it is good even if it's intense. I'm glad you shared. Hope you can continue to be brave, Justmehere!

 

[Justmehere]

Wow, thanks everyone! I'm so sorry you all struggle with this too. It's awful! But it helps so much for me to know I'm not alone in it. It helps so much! I'm sort of looking forward to maybe working on this more. I don't want to have this core belief, this fear anymore. It really backfires in my life.