I wish I could be dead already

[Strangelongtrip]

I've been having so many suicidal thoughts lately. Fantasizing about how I'd do it actually keeps me going because if I could just get out if it gets too much, I could just stop dealing with this bullcrap that is life. And I can think about how great it would be if I could just not deal with this anymore. It keeps me sane to think about killing myself. Sometimes I think I'm gonna do it but I never have tried. I saw firsthand on my recent trip to see a friend what a friend killing themselves did to people, so every time I think about trying I think about how horrible it was for my friend to have her friend kill himself and the reaction she's still having today and I don't do it. But god, I wish I could.

I absolutely hate myself and don't care about myself. I see people doing self care like working out or eating healthy and have no desire to treat myself like that. My therapist today said to just keep doing stuff and fake it til I make it. I didn't tell her I was suicidal because then they have to report it and blah blah, I don't have time to be committed. I have school and I'm moving soon (to a stupid backwards state with stupid backwards people where all I'll be treated as someone who isn't me, because no one there will see the real me and people have to hide who they are there). The only reason I ever advocate for myself or push myself to be nice to myself is because I think it'll help other people like me. But I couldn't care less if my needs or desires are respected. Who cares? I don't matter. We all suffer, and then we die. I don't see a point in any of this. I don't get enjoyment out of anything. I had a major accomplish happen and I don't care. All I can think of is how it's not good enough. I just wish I was dead.

My dad said something about life being something you roll with today, because living is better than being dead. I just made a noise because I don't believe that. I would rather just not exist anymore. My favorite thing to do right now is lay in bed and think over and over again "I don't exist" until I fall asleep. I sleep like 14 hours a day because I don't want to do anything. I've spent the last 5 years in poverty with everything getting cut off while we're sitting on wealth my family wasn't willing to sell.

School started full time this week and I had such a breakdown over all the stuff I have to get done that I started self harming again. I don't see a point in not doing it if it helps somewhat. Nothing helps right now. I just want to be dead I don't want to deal with any more of this. I don't see a future for me, I'm going to be alone other than friends (which I guess I should be lucky to have awesome ones, but I don't care right now), and sad and never accomplish anything. I just want to be dead. I don't want to help anyone anymore. I don't want to keep suffering like this. I want to enjoy things again but I spiral out all the time and I don't know how not to. I waste all my time spiraling out and wasting time and I don't accomplish anything. I'm just a loser.

 

[Friday]

School started full time this week

I'm moving soon

I had a major accomplish happen and I don't care.

When you have big stressors in your life, and you get increasingly symptomatic in response to that (Stress Cup Stuff), is ideation something you frequently struggle with... or is this new for you?

 

[Strangelongtrip]

When you have big stressors in your life, and you get increasingly symptomatic in response to that (Stress Cup Stuff), is ideation something you frequently struggle with... or is this new for you?

It's something I frequently struggle with, since I was a kid (I started self harming at like 10 or 11) but it got way worse when I was 16. It's gotten better over the years, at 16 I actually kept things for a plan and at times would "test it out" without actually trying, without giving too many details.

This is the worst spell I've had of it in a few years, most stressors probably. I get angry that I have to actually take care of myself and do things to make myself less stressed instead of just pushing through and do things (which I think gives me worth, but of course that's never enough either).

 

[Strangelongtrip]

I did better today, the morning was rough I immediately spiraled thought wise but I forced myself through and ended up having a good day. Now that it's night tho it's overwhelming again. I'm just trying to be nice to myself. I think some of it has to do with anniversary dates.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

It was a bit better for about two weeks and now I've had it all weekend and into today. I felt a little better last night but everything feels hopeless again. I really just want to die. I'm thinking about putting a date on it: if the things that are making me suicidal don't change by a certain date, I will kill myself. I'm thinking sometime in January right now, like January 20th, maybe the 10th. I want to move into my own place by the 10th. I know I'm bad if I'm thinking these ways again. Idk if I should be put on more medications or what. I just feel like I should die. What else can I do? It's all hopeless. I need a job to move out and there's 100s of applications on every job and I'm not special.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Idk what else to do. I want to try to die so bad so maybe my parents will take me seriously when I tell them I'm suicidal. I can't believe I let it get to this point and I also can't believe that I'm so unstable, I'm such a failure. If I had just kept trying maybe I would be in my own place by now but I didn't believe in myself and I gave up. I'm such a failure. Nothing I ever do goes anywhere. I just want to be dead already.

 

[desiderata310]

I’m going to be painfully clear and concise here as someone who deals with heavy, pervasive ideation.
You have already said you are at a point of crisis. Now is the time to ask for assistance. This is not up for debate. it is not something to coddle you about.
Fact: you’re in enough pain that you realize there is a need for assistance.
Fact: being in this state is in no way a reflection on you or your character or your strength.
go ask for the help you need. Now.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Thank you @desiderata310 after seeing this I got in touch with my therapist and she got me in tomorrow morning and gave me a hotline if I needed it too. I’ve just been trying to take care of myself. I took a loong walk, had a nice meal, and am going to take a bath and meditate.

Usually I have a rougher time with depression halfway through my school term, I start to get burnt out. On top of the pandemic, moving to a state that’s not ideal for me DURING a pandemic, being stuck inside with my parents. It’s the worst episodes I’ve had in years.

Thank you.

 

[desiderata310]

I’m grateful to hear you have that support from your therapist. The ideation and depression makes it difficult to parse in the midst. Good job moving like that. It’s not easy.

 

[TruthSeeker]

It was a bit better for about two weeks and now I've had it all weekend and into today. I felt a little better last night but everything feels hopeless again. I really just want to die. I'm thinking about putting a date on it: if the things that are making me suicidal don't change by a certain date, I will kill myself. I'm thinking sometime in January right now, like January 20th, maybe the 10th. I want to move into my own place by the 10th. I know I'm bad if I'm thinking these ways again. Idk if I should be put on more medications or what. I just feel like I should die. What else can I do? It's all hopeless. I need a job to move out and there's 100s of applications on every job and I'm not special.

It's fall and the weather is cooling down soon..... I don't know your strengths. You got any handyman type skills....lawn care skills....skills that require you to be physically active? I know lawn care places are hiring around here. Don't know your situation. I know women who clean houses for 25 dollars an hour, and rental property/realtors pay people to clean. You could start your own business.....and work towards a goal of having enough money to move out and enough jobs to be self sufficient. Pharmacies.....are hiring, too. Teachers are in short supply. There are jobs out there.....you might try something different, until you can get on your feet.

 

[Still Standing]

I totally understand your pain and ideations. I’ve been struggling with these too. I just told my T, today, that I want to sleep and not feel anymore. Through the years I’ve come to realize that it is not death that is wanted but the end to the pain. So it is the figuring out what really causes our distress and depression and finding new and healthier ways to deal with it. Hard challenge, huh? But deep down there is hope that solutions can be found. Glad you called your therapist. That is a step in a good direction. Many here understand what you are feeling.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Thank you all. I’m struggling to respond to individual messages but I’m going to try but wanted to say thank you!! @Still Standing I think I know what’s causing the pain, but looking at it that way I’m going to plan things that help.

@TruthSeeker I honestly have enough saved up, my problem was finding a job. I’m going to look into some of those when I get to my new state (we’re moving in like a month). I ran my own business for 18 years but it requires people to go away and COVID took that unfortunately.

The area I live in is so ridiculously expensive, like almost as much as San Francisco. The state I’m moving to is cheap and I have friends there who are super supportive so I’m thinking move there then move out. Hitch a free ride down there haha ? then maybe with some space I’ll have a better relationship with my family! They’re not terrible, it’s just not a good environment for me anymore.

Thank you all! I’m going to have therapy today and another call that will help me and then hopefully I’ll be okay.