I wish I could be dead already

[Strangelongtrip]

I got through two more days, it's getting slightly better but today had another bad spell today, but rode it out. @TruthSeeker I had some trouble going through the stories, I'm going to try when my cognition is better just struggling with the fog! I have a psych appointment next week and I may ask to go up on my meds since it's lasted a week now.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I got through two more days, it's getting slightly better but today had another bad spell today, but rode it out. @TruthSeeker I had some trouble going through the stories, I'm going to try when my cognition is better just struggling with the fog! I have a psych appointment next week and I may ask to go up on my meds since it's lasted a week now.

Oh, yeah, I can sympathize with the fog....and my brain is shit when it's foggy....especially reading comprehension. My writing seems to stay more intact......but the reading can be a bear. When I'm at my worst, I try to find someone to exercise with regularly. That seems to help a lot. I bought a mini trampoline, and a kayak to get regular exercise in this pandemic. I bounce to music, and paddle to music. Maybe you can get out an walk at a park or somewhere pretty? I'll be thinking about you......but exercise is a natural endorphin raiser.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Thank you @TruthSeeker ! I'm trying to get more active. I have a bunch of injuries that make it pretty hard, but I'm doing what I can!

A random update: we're moving but we have a transitional period where we have to move in with some of my family members who are manipulative and abusive towards my dad (emotional and mental). I have really good boundaries with them but my dad doesn't, but he's getting better. I'm just trying to plan out how I can most be healthy in this crappy scenario. I'm trying to see it as a learning opportunity and sort of one last hurrah to show how far I've come in my healing. And then, when I can, living entirely by myself so I don't have to deal with people anymore ? (ironic statement LOL)

I'm making a game plan for everything bc these are not people I can rely on when I'm having an episode. It'll be 7 people living in one house on top of kids who are in school and sports coming in and out, so that's COVID anxiety on top of everything else. I'm just going to avoid them and pray that it's not an aerosol like some doctors are saying. I'm making a list of grounding tools and I'll have my own little room so I can do schoolwork, which is nice! I contemplated just getting a job and moving down there, but I'm a little concerned about that for various reasons I won't discuss here.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Thank you @TruthSeeker ! I'm trying to get more active. I have a bunch of injuries that make it pretty hard, but I'm doing what I can!

A random update: we're moving but we have a transitional period where we have to move in with some of my family members who are manipulative and abusive towards my dad (emotional and mental). I have really good boundaries with them but my dad doesn't, but he's getting better. I'm just trying to plan out how I can most be healthy in this crappy scenario. I'm trying to see it as a learning opportunity and sort of one last hurrah to show how far I've come in my healing. And then, when I can, living entirely by myself so I don't have to deal with people anymore ? (ironic statement LOL)

I'm making a game plan for everything bc these are not people I can rely on when I'm having an episode. It'll be 7 people living in one house on top of kids who are in school and sports coming in and out, so that's COVID anxiety on top of everything else. I'm just going to avoid them and pray that it's not an aerosol like some doctors are saying. I'm making a list of grounding tools and I'll have my own little room so I can do schoolwork, which is nice! I contemplated just getting a job and moving down there, but I'm a little concerned about that for various reasons I won't discuss here.

It's great you have a positive, well-thought out plan! I really do understand.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

I'm back this low. I don't see a point. What I want to happen will never happen and I'm so miserable now why even keep trying? no ones going to see me how I want them to.

 

[bellbird]

What I want to happen will never happen

What leads you to this conclusion?

If the answer is "because that's the way it has always been", I understand.
I have had exactly that thinking about my own life in the past.

However, tempting as it may be to do so, our pasts can't predict the future. When someone wins the lottery for the first time, they were, up until that point, not a lottery winner. They could have used their past to reach the conclusion that "I will never become a lottery winner because I never have been one", but obviously that logic would fail.

Sure, recovery from trauma isn't like winning the lottery; we can't just pay a few dollars, get lucky, and end up completely cured. But, the logic still holds.

Speaking from my own experience of recovering from depression and chronic suicidality, I never thought that I was going to recover because I had been in an incredibly dark place for such a long time. I made the decision back in 2018 to end my life, but my attempt failed.
Since then, I have recovered from depression and chronic suicidality, and am in the process of recovering from PTSD.
My doctor and I are currently tapering me off all my anti-depressants because I no longer need them.
I often think about all the wonderful things and opportunities currently in my life and it makes me so sad to think that I almost never got to experience any of them because of that decision I made in the most hopeless time of my life.

Where you are now doesn't define where you will be for the rest of your life.
I know it might feel that way, but it really doesn't.

Something that stands out to me from your post is that you have some idea of what/where you would like to be. That's great.
So let's work backwards: what are some manageable steps (over the long-/short-term) that you can take to get there?

 

[TruthSeeker]

I'm back this low. I don't see a point. What I want to happen will never happen and I'm so miserable now why even keep trying? no ones going to see me how I want them to.

Yea, well my family of origin didn't see me how I wanted them to. After I went no contact....I really don't care what they think because it was never going to be, look, do, what I would have preferred them to see....was always the one who'd fall on my face....after I left....I did pretty good for having little family support.......No contact has it's benefits......and no criticism is better than listening to other's BS when they need someone to knock down a few pegs because they are feeling shitty about themselves..........after you get used to the quiet and realize how wonderful the sound of quiet is. Also, maybe they just can't supporte you on your next leg of your personal journey.....so there's lots of ways to reframe the importance of their perception.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

So let's work backwards: what are some manageable steps (over the long-/short-term) that you can take to get there?

Money management (I've been tracking expenses)
Get over my eating disorder (this seems impossible)
keep my body moving however feels good
keep doing things I love but maybe on a smaller scale

I'm sort of blanking, but I'll ask this in therapy.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

I'm going to see if I can change my meds again, I don't think this medication is working anymore/if it ever did. I have an appointment later this month. I've been working out in the mornings which is helping but man, this is as bad of a depression as when I first had my worst episode as a teen. I just can handle it better now.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I'm going to see if I can change my meds again, I don't think this medication is working anymore/if it ever did. I have an appointment later this month. I've been working out in the mornings which is helping but man, this is as bad of a depression as when I first had my worst episode as a teen. I just can handle it better now.

Good plan. For me, exercise makes all the difference in my mood as does getting out in nature and sunshine. Glad to hear you have a plan.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

I got on new meds and am feeling much more balanced and good overall! I probably should have done that sooner but I'm proud I tried everything I could to feel better. Thank you all for helping me through a hard time!

 

[Strangelongtrip]

and the meds aren't helping lol...I'm gonna call my doctor Monday. I'm so low. I'm trying to fight through it but it's hard. I'm starting to think that the loneliness brought on by quarantine is worse than actually catching COVID. Idk what else to do.