Relationship I Wish I Wasn't So Weak

[Seaotter]

Long story short the love of my life shut down after I told him I loved him - he has cPTSD after a lifetime of abuse from his family and past relationships. He showed physical signs of freeze mode. He said he does not feel the way he did about me. He thinks I'm controlling - I am not.

It's been 6 months. I see him every week at a mutual activity. It's awkward. My therapist tells me to keep showing up but let him come to me. If I pull away he comes closer - but not far. It is hard watching him have fun with other people - I think the activity keeps him numb. I feel left out of his life. He responds to me every time I reach out - but is annoyed I do. He has avoidant attachment issues and no intimate relationships. He gets jealous, he does small things to show he cares. Then pushes me away.

My weakness is, and he recognizes it, that once a month I get angry, think I deserve to be treated better even though he has not "lead me on" per se. (He is genuinely a nice guy, not dated anyone else, and I do think he genuinely cares for me but the numb keeps him shut down.) I keep ruining things by telling him I need to let go (I mean it at the time), tell him I just want him to be happy, but I have needs too. This makes him angry, any emotion makes him angry and he blames me for things. But once a month I do this, still. I think the resentment and selfishness just builds up. I feel horrible shame after. I think I just want a response to know if he still cares. I suck. How can he ever feel safe with me? He says he stays away because I always want to talk. He is afraid of conflict. I swing between he cares and he is suffering and what about me.

I wonder if my therapist is right about showing up week after week or if I just stop going and see what happens - give him space. She says he needs to know I'm not going anywhere, I'm trying to take advantage of him, and if I bail I prove his fears right. However, it's been 6 months and I've never felt so far away from him.

I do love him deeply - he is the most amazing man. I'm 43 and I've had lot's of relationships and he is the first person I could see myself old with.

Do I just give up? Clearly, my selfishness, my emotions get the best of me.

 

[onesie]

What you are dealing with is not easy. You are beating yourself up. What kind of therapist tells a person to keep pursuing him? It is not your responsibility. You say you love him, and he is who you view yourself with? Well, to me, it takes action from you and him. Not just you. I hear how much you try, and care about him. Make sure you get effort in return. It takes work, patience, understanding etc. Please be patient with yourself too. You are loving someone that is afraid, and who has been hurt lots, it sounds like. Maybe, let him, come to you;)

 

[stilldancing]

Skip the next event if you can. And try something, Anything, to get you out there meeting new people. While you sound crazy about him, he's clearly not in a position right now to give you what you need. And meeting new people will give you the confidence and strength to better handle the times where you are still in contact with him.

 

[franciemarnie]

Any emotion makes him mad and he blames you for things. That doesn't sound like healthy behavior on his part. He doesn't sound so amazing then.

Was it that he was amazing in the beginning and then he changed? Because who he became is who he is.

It sounds like you deserve better, but I don't know the world of you two. It just doesn't sound right that emotion bothers him. It's unavoidable as humans go. I don't know what he could be blaming you for.

You deserve someone who values how amazing you are.

 

[Seaotter]

He is afraid, and there's me telling him I need to let him go. I've also told him what I think is going on with him which we all know isn't the right thing to do. I really want to be that person who makes him feel safe and yet I'm my own worst enemy. He is a good person who deserves a good person and I feel I am too needy.

He has ACOA PTSD symptoms, he blames me for everything and has transferred past pain on to me. For example, he thinks I'm trying to change him because I suggested we do something different on A weekend once. His ex had been abusive and he changed and when he left after two years he had to rebuild. He is afraid I will change over night. I am not that person.

He has so much to deal with to allow caring and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to sit by while he has fun with everyone else. I'm not even sure he wants me to - but when I back off he does something to reel me back in. He is worth the wait and the uncertainty but do I just leave him alone and see if he comes to me or do I just move on?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

The thing about safety is that if we get it from another person, well, we're set up to fail because safety needs to come from within. External sources of safety are doomed to fail. Can you be there for him 24/7 without fail? No, you can't. He needs to heal on his own.

He won't reel you in closer because he knows he can keep you away from other men, and right now that is good enough for him. This means you're always available to him IF he wants you. He's calling all the shots here and you're letting him.

I say let him go. If he wants you, he'll wake up really fast and realize what he's lost.

 

[nursenurse]

You are the proverbial fish on a hook. You swim out and then he reels you in. He doesn't make much of an effort because he doesn't have to.

You also show up week after week and bang your head on a brick wall. What kind of self respect and self love is that? I question the therapist about telling you to go back week after week as well. It is clearly damaging to your inner peace and your ability to scarf out a life for yourself, independent of your boyfriend. I imagine the activity is something you enjoy, that is why your therapist is pushing you to go. Why should you give it up? But then again, the price of staying? Give it a few weeks of rest. All relationships need two people who have different interests, something to bring to the table, to keep the relationship alive and fresh.

You need to give him space. He needs to be given the opportunity to miss you. He also needs to grow up himself, PTSD does not excuse him from acting mature and caring towards someone he loves. But then again, has he ever used that word with you? If he doesn't like emotions now, could you deal with the fact that it may never change?

And the big question, is he in therapy himself? Because if he isn't actively working on himself, then you guys have a snowball's chance in hell of making it work. The successful relationships on this forum happen because both parties work damned hard to achieve a workable equilibrium. At best it is difficult. This is something that can be managed, be better, but never be easy or cured.

And it could be he may not be that into you, simple as that. Pat answer. But it applies sometimes. At any rate what he is doing to you and what you are doing to yourself is unhealthy and not the basis for a healthy relationship. Give each other a wide berth, grow your own life without him, at least for now.

P.S. You aren't weak. The inner strength is there, you have to reach for it. And with relationships, a lot of it is confusion. Taking yourself out of the equation for awhile will also take out a lot of the confusion.

 

[franciemarnie]

I vote leave him alone.

And put that energy you've put into him into you.

If your wellbeing is dependent on him and how he treats you day to day and little else, it's time to focus on only you.

 

[Seaotter]

Thank you all for the support. I think you're right, I'll stay away for awhile and see what happens.

 

[Seaotter]

So an update...I did go...I ignored him. Three days later he's angry I ignored him, really angry. The first time I've seen him like that. He was mean. Not sure really what to do with that. I guess if he didn't care he wouldn't be mad but I'm not taking that. Hard to know what to say to someone who doesn't usually speak their mind or know what they feel. He says the hot cold is painful, but I'm always the bad guy. Black and white thinking. He asked for space, I gave it to him, but he didn;t like it. How do you say his behavior is unacceptable without making him feel bad for speaking up?

 

[stilldancing]

Don't worry about his feelings so much for starters. Just tell him calmly and rationally why you ignored him, and when he starts to turn it on you, you walk away. Tell him to get back to you when he can act like an adult.

 

[Sephira]

Seaotter, I see lots of similarities between your situation and how things used to be between my sufferer and I.

A few years ago, I used to threaten the relationship between my beloved and I. I would put up with his behavior that was so hard for me to understand for as long as I could. His behavior and interactions with me were avoidant, controlling and left me feeling sad and angry far more often than I was comfortable with. After a while, I'd just reach my limit and pitch into my sufferer. I'd tell him how he wasn't meeting my needs, how I was unhappy, and that things needed to change. I'd place all the blame on him and the PTSD.

Eventually, he reached a point where he began to associate a lot of negative feelings with me because these " relationship chats" occured far more often than he could handle. I became a stressor, the chats a trigger and he almost left me.

We managed to fix things because I realized a few things after I really listened to him. He explained that often he just needs easy, simple conversation with me. After a year of lighter conversations he finally feels safe. This allows him to associate me with positive feelings and memories. I know now that he needs to be having a really good day for me to discuss relationship stuff.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I often felt ( and still do feel) resentment about how my beloved acts and treats me at times. The avoidance sucks, the numbness sucks, the isolation sucks. Im in love with my sufferer and frustrated by how PTSD has made everything more complicated and more difficult than it should be. That's a reasonable and very human response. You shouldn't beat yourself up for it.

I just make sure that I don't dump all of those hurt feelings and resentment on my sufferer anymore. I vent to my friends, my family, my support group or on here. If I'm too angry to speak to him, I find other things to do until I'm calm. And if he texts me and I am tempted to be short with him, I take a deep breath and write something upbeat or loving instead.

Trust, I've found takes so long to earn from a sufferer. A moments anger isn't worth the damage that it can do. The push pull sucks but in my own relationship, the safer he feels the less push pull there is.