I wish making friends was easier for us.

[HannaD]

An acquaintance can seem too much. It's not in person. It's online with headsets. I'm shy, I guess. I began to warm up to a fellow who comes across friendly enough.
The guy then invites me to an online party. Only, I'm the only girl. It's online but, I'm aware I can't record them for evidence in that situation if it goes bad. I'm apprehensive of strangers, especially males that are clearly larger and stronger or outnumber me. When I realized that the dude count was up to 4 guys I panicked and just left.
I haven't been comfortable about it since. The guy who invited me has shown interest in remaining friends. I have remained distant in my embarrassment and fear from the situation. I have been keeping my correspondences with him polite and short.
I don't know if my gut was right. I know the situation triggered me in a bad way. I don't know if it's just my trauma that makes me act that way or proper vigilance (not hyper-v). But, the thing is that it could be both. I could be reacting to a bad trigger and my gut may be right about that situation.
I don't know but, now just receiving correspondence from him brings up several feelings I'd rather not feel: embarrassed, fearful, guilt, suspicion, anxiety, shame.

 

[EveHarrington]

Worse case scenario, what would have happened?

 

[HannaD]

Worse case scenario, what would have happened?

Thank you. When you put it that way, I guess the worst case scenario did happen. I panicked and ran, making a fool of myself. I guess that's not so bad but, I still regret my behavior. I want to be stronger in character in this regard.

 

[HannaD]

I'm thinking on this. The thing is when the bad things happened to me I had no information beforehand to prevent it. My mind then went to work on how to prevent what happened to me. As if I had any control or choice in the past because, I do now.
That is why I supposed it triggered me. I could hear something too similar right in my ear and my brain was like, "Nope! Run! Run, now!" I was trying to handle being social and became triggered. I felt overwhelmed and just cut off connection.
I could let my head go on about hackers and isp addresses but, that's not the root of the problem. That's my mind trying to make sense of percieved danger.
My acquaintances have been kind to me and even asked if I was okay. I lied and said I was. But, I still felt the need for distance sometimes.
My husband teases me and says that I'm afraid of people. I told him I don't always react this way. He surprised me by explaining that it can be dependent on my frame of mind. I didn't expect him to get it better than I do. I wonder how long he's been looking in from just outside and started to understand.
The point is that I want to be less reactive to that trigger especially, in company of friendly folk.