I Wont Say It To My T As I Know The Consequences

[changed]

I finally made my psychologist aware of some of my thoughts and she asked if I had put anything into place. I said 'no' as at the time I had not. I had to see a psychiatrist with her, he assumed I had made no plans, I didnt lie- I just didnt correct him.

I told my psychologist after that I didnt like talking to the psychiatrist and that I didnt lie but I didnt correct him with some things. She knew what I was talking about and asked 'So have you made plans' I wish I could share with her but I know the concequences of that. She has told me previously that people get commited If they admit to a plan, so I cant.

When she asked me in many different ways of asking I just said 'I dont want to talk about it' because I dont want to lie to her. The truth is I do have a plan, I also have an emergency plan if it gets too much before then.

She knows, and she wants me to say it, but I wont because if I do it will be something else I cant control in my life. She spoke of a contract, I kinda laughed it off. She said she did'nt want to have to worry and could I make a verbal agreement with her. I said 'I will be ok' that got her off my back. She spoke of having a proper written contract between us, I wont lie, so I wont sign it if she makes one.

What I am looking for is some advice on these suicide contracts. Do they commit you if you refuse one?

Thanks
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[Deleted member 5760]

ok.. this is a really personal issue to me. All I can say is this, truly and very deeply from my heart :

My main trauma which caused this for me was my best friend jumping off a building in front of me. Now I have seen the effects of that. I live, wear and breathe the effects of that. I AM the effects of that. I'd love to turn around and tell you that I don't care and if you have a little plan just go right ahead and do it. BUT - I do care. I'm sure the people around you care. Would they commit you? I don't know. What I would honestly love for you to do is commit yourself - I DID. Not because I was afraid I was gonna kill myself - but because I knew something was very very very wrong. They in fact discharged me very quickly! Probably ~because~ I had committed myself.

And to this day i will not forget the words of the psych there when he said - 'I want to thank you and tell you how much I appreciate the fact that you walked into here. Because most people don't. They get forced in. And you walked in of your own accord and that is not common and that shows me you really are going to be ok and you should be so proud of yourself'.

And those words - ohhh, I needed to hear that and it really was the shot in the arm that lead me on a journey to truly wanting to beat this. If you walk in there and be honest I think you will have an easier time of it. There is absolutely no shame in putting up your hand and asking for help. In fact I believe it is very brave. I suppose the question is - do you want to win this battle? If so, and I fully believe you can, then check yourself in if it comes to that. It's not the end of the world (the alternative is). In fact it can be the beginning of a very productive path.

If you truly believe you want to win - then sign the contract and MEAN it when you sign it. If you can't sign it then please ask for help.

I hope that helps.

-Jen

 

[changed]

Jen, thankyou for your post. I am sorry I touched on something that is such a personal issue to you, I hope I didnt upset you. I was a little too honest and it was insensitive of me to post all that. I felt a little better just for putting it out there though as its not something thats easy to confess to (as u know). I am thinking a lot about you advice and have been since you posted. Id like to thank you for your honesty.

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[kris]

I feel that these contracts are in some ways helpful but in other ways, I see it as if I am really going to harm myself none of that is going to help. In my case I signed one just because it was that, go to the hospital or have my therapist call a family member to keep an eye on me because of my situation. So even though at the time I was lying and saying I was ok, and wouldn't act on the thoughts again, I could not at the time of signing that piece of paper truthfully say I was alright as I stated the alternatives were much worse in my opinion so I lied and thankfully the therapist believed it at the time.

For me as well at the time nobody but my primary doctor and 2 different psychologists knew of my ptsd, on the contract was 2 different people I was to call if things got bad again. This at the time for me would have been completely impossible, no friends and no family know of what is wrong with me, how was I to call them and say "hey I need help, I am thinking of killing myself". So to me the contract at the time was a complete waste because I would not or could not call anyone if I got to that point again. Also the third option on the contract was to call the local hospital and have myself admitted, that was far less likely as the first 2 options to happen, if I couldn't talk to my family about how I felt, how was I suppose to explain to them why I was in a psych ward! So although these contracts maybe useful to some, in my experience it was/is a complete waste.

 

[changed]

Kris! That is totally how I feel about it. I too dont have support around me, and explaining why im hospitalised to people who dont understand and think that all people who go in are crazy nutcasses would just be impossible.

Thanks for your honesty, Its comforting having someone who has experienced these thoughts and experiences.

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[Monarch]

I just did a contract with my T, it had like 5 things on it but one was about suicide and that if she feels that I am unsafe and will harm myself that I will check myself into the hospital instead of her calling the cops on me because she doesn't want to do that. We both acknowledged that if I really want to kill myself I am going to do it and people or a piece of paper isn't going to stop me. However these suicidal feelings usually pass in time and giving myself that time to calm and let my mind and body go back to normal can save my life. I hate the hospital but I would go if I couldn't handle being here anymore.

 

[Iam]

Changed, It's funny (not haha) that you are posting this as I have been posting the same thing on a different thread. My T asked me to do the same thing this week. I said I couldn't make promises that I don't know if I can keep or not. When he asked a 2nd time I said I would think about it.

Like you I am worried that he will have me committed if I don't, I also wonder what his motive is (my protection, his protection or both) and somehow signing that makes it too real. Which is stupid, because it is a real danger for me. I have told him that I wouldn't call anyone if I got to that point. Why would I unless I wanted someone to stop me?

The truth of the matter is....I don't want to do it. I do want to live. It's sometimes when I get triggered I get so overwhelmed that I can't stand it. That is the very reason we should sign the contracts. The feeling of total despair is temporary, we know that from past experience. As both my T and AdamAnt said, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

SuperJen.....I have really appreciated your posts. Your honesty about what you witnessed and the tragic loss of your friend is a huge testimony as to why we shouldn't proceed with our "plans". Look at the devestation it has caused you. Those catestrophic consequences for our loved ones are rotten thing for anyone, including myself, to leave behind. The problem as I see it is that when we are overwhelmed we just can't think rationally. Maybe a true comittment to the contract is enough for us to pull ourselves out of it?

I find it hard to tell anyone too Changed. My primary dr doesn't even know, or at least I don't think he does as I haven't told him, but he may have seen my past medical charts. Anyway, even calling a hotline has been impossible for me. So what I have found helpful is to email The Samaritans. Please PM for their email address if interested.

Just getting it out there in email format is helpful, it releases some of the pressure for me. I know they will email back within 24 hours but usually it is much faster than that. They validate and ask good questions that get me thinking in the right direction. IDK.....just a thought that maybe you could put them down as a contact on your contract with the idea that you won't do anything until you have heard from them.

Hugs Changed...I think we are in the same boat on rough water and it is a boat, that if we truly want to, we can row to shore.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

Iam - ~thank you~ ... you have just made my day, my week, my year!!!

*hugs* ...I think I am actually going to cry HAPPY tears :)

 

[Iam]

:o) Jen.....at least I said something good today! Your words do impact me in positive way...I am just so bull headed that it takes awhile to sink in sometimes!

 

[Jawn]

Hang in there ladies. Like Jen I have seen the results of suicide. My father went down that path and it made life very difficult for my mother and everyone else in the family. I know exactly why he did it and I don't fault him for it. However, dealing with the fallout was very difficult for those of us left behind.

Again, hang in there ladies and keep going to therapy and you will get better.

Jawn

 

[Grama-Herc]

Hey Changed.

Unless you attack or seriously insult someone on this forum, there is no need to apologize for bringing up a touchy subject or triggering someone. It goes with being here. PLUS, you posted your thoughts in the right place so relax.

I was in this spot several times in my life and even had a plan. We have all been there. I just have one issue and it is an issue of mine. As I have stated before in other posts, not telling our T. or keeping secrets, ect is just plain--sorry but Stupid---! We only think and plan when we are in serious pain or in trouble. That is when we are suppose to reach out to the T. we have. We should consider ourselves lucky we have a T. to talk to and someone to go to for help.

Keep hanging in there.

 

[changed]

I know the feelings pass and some days are better, but it always comes back. I think my problem is for some stupid reason I am not allowing myself to get better. I dont want this to be the case, and even as im typing this im thinking 'no I do want to' but the reality is that deep down I just feel like ive given up.

The only way I can describe it is that the old me is trapped in a cage inside this thing that I have become. This auto pilot, cold horrible thing lets me out for a while, and when I start to feel better it shoves me back in the cage. Or im in a deep deep hole and I can see light at the top but its so far, dirt keeps falling down and blocking the light. Though I was determined, ropes kept coming down and I kept climbing, but they kept falling. I dont feel like I have the strength to reach up for the ropes anymore.

The horrible thing is I feel like I have given up and accepted it. I dont want to hurt anyone, I have went over it again and again because I have seen what death does to people and I dont want to be the cause of their hurt. My good friend commited suicide in may and it was so sad, and even more horrible seeing how hurt people were. The thing is it is hard when you feel like you are only here because you dont want to hurt anyone.

Thanks for the advice and honesty Monarch, Jawn and Grama-Herc.
Iam I read your thread, it is freakily similar, thankyou for your support and honesty. Im just mending my paddle, but I hope to row that boat with you.

-Changed
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