I Wont Say It To My T As I Know The Consequences

[Iam]

HI Changed,

Yes it is feakily similar. I KNOW exactly what you are saying.....I think many here do. Not wanting to hurt others is a good reason not to off ourselves, but it sucks as a reason for living. Use that reason for the really dark moments, but when you are feeling better....work on finding the reasons that you want to live. What make you happy.

One thing I want to say is that YOU HAVE NOT GIVEN UP. You really haven't or you wouldn't be posting not would you be trying to figure things out. We want so badly to give up at times because this whole thing is so exhausting. When we slip backwards it feels like why keep fighting only to end up back here, right? I know. Sometimes we actually need to say, ok, I need a break from all this fighting. Sometimes we need to just "be" and rest for awhile. I know...easier said than done.

The fact is you are still fighting to make it and you will make it. Maybe take a rest from the processing and go back to working on things in a day or two, maybe a week?

I am so glad that you are doing this at a young age (though I know you probably feel ancient right now.) You will have a full, happy and productive life as a result of the work you are doing now.

Hugs Honey.....

 

[Bern Ellen]

Keep the faith!

Dear changed, I was totally where you are 5 years ago and did not know what to do. I didn't want to lie, so I avoided a contract for quite a while. When you sign one, at least for me, I had to comply. My word was all I had and it was important my T believed me. What is totally awesome is that you are telling us about your worries, and you are NOT alone. We are all here for you. I was admitted against my will and was hospitalized for 4 weeks. I was so pissed at first, but after time I realized I was in the right place, and if people did not understand and were unsupportive, it was their loss and not mine. I am responsible for my recovery and treatment and I want to live, just not in the pain I was constantly in. Please consider it, it is not as bad as you are thinking, and this world and forum needs you.
Bern Ellen

 

[changed]

Thank you both, you just made me smile.

Thats some really good advice Iam, I know exactly what you mean, and yes I feel about 90! Hugs back!!

Bern Ellen. It is encouraging to know u were at this point and got through it! I think im at a point that being hospitalized wouldnt be such a bad thing, but getting those words out and saying it is a huge step, also I could be being really ignorant but I dont think that you can just ask over here (UK) can you?? The whole NHS thing is pretty tight.

Also I was reading on another thread about benefits and stuff which is relevant as if (thats a big IF) I did go in and get better, I dont want to lose the things that would help get me back to where I was before- Job, Degree, Car etc. I know these are all materialistic things but coming out to nothing would be hard. Thankyou for your kind and helpful words.

I wish I had people like you both in my life, its so nice having people that understand.

Changed
xx

 

[Iam]

Ahhh...but you do have both of us in your life now, if even only virtually LOL!

IMHO, your concerns about the materialistic things are valid. Getting your degree would be a positive thing, helping you to feel good about yourself. You need to work to support yourself, again, doing so makes us feel productive and independent. Having a car, at least here in the USA, is pretty much mandatory unless you live in a big city.

As far as needing to be hospitalized, if you can talk with your T about it I think you'd find the answers you need on that. I totally understand that even talking about it is really difficult.

I just emailed my T yesterday asking what his motivation is for having me sign a contract and if he was considering having me committed if my suicidal ideation continued. Figure I'll here back tomorrow afternoon since that seems to be a time when he follows up with non-urgent email communication. I only tell you this to say that it was REALLY hard for me to ask him those questions, but I needed to get them out on the table so that I stop fretting about it.

Your T is there to help you and I am quite sure will be looking out for your best interests.

 

[seedling]

Brave, Iam, very brave. Good for you.

 

[This Ends Now]

Big hugs to everybody who is in pain right now.

This is a tough topic but I feel I need to add my two cents. I lied about this for years and it was on my "censored" list with my therapists until recently. By opening up with my T I learned that it was not an automatic trip to the hospital but a review of symptoms and suggestions to be more self aware and proactive in treatment. Usually changing or increasing my medication was at the top of the action list suggested. I found it helpful to be open about my current plans, past attempts, and how I felt about attempts and plans several family members had shared with me. It has been amazingly liberating to analyze these thoughts and discuss them in terms of probability. What percent chance was there of me making an attempt? What percent chance was there of serious injury or death? How would that effect myself and others? Those questions have had an amazing and lasting effect on that self destructive internal dialogue behind the thoughts.

I cannot vouch for the use of contracts or there efficacy. I can say that coming out of the closet about these thoughts is useful and productive. I know that during the depths of a major depressive episode it is nearly impossible to think of joy, but that does not mean that even in that state there is no hope. For me the thought of impermanence and recognition of my mental state provides something that could loosely be called hope. When I want to die I can reassure myself that my wish will eventually come true without any action on my part. I will die because all things change and vanish and this is part of universal law. Once I accept the comfort of knowing I will die in some way at some point I can become rational enough to identify that what I am currently experiencing has a name: major depressive episode. Even the name "major depressive EPISODE" suggests that like all other things it is a temporary state and will change and vanish eventually. This gives me enough "hope" to cry, to sleep, to wait, and to communicate without fear.

I hope you feel better soon,
Liz

 

[Iam]

Wow Liz.....what you posted is incredibly insightful and helpful. Thank you.

I just came in from cleaning one of my ponds. The whole time I was out there I was thinking "What have I and what should I be fighting against? What should I be fighting for? Am I fighting ghosts (meaning the past), myself or (being of christian faith) something more sinister (as in "our fight is not against flesh and blood".) Maybe I shouldn't be fighting at all? Maybe it is as simple as claiming God's promises and maybe I am fighting that? I do know that I want to live a happy, fulfilled and purposeful life.

I like that you pointed out the word "EPISODE" indicates a temporary state. That is what I always try to remember, that "this too shall pass." I think it is ultimately what keeps me from acting on my thoughts. Personally, as I am sure most of us feel, I would like to be free of those thoughts permanently. Since this is probably not realistic, having an accessible thought pattern in place as you have outlined above is a great response to restore rational thought during the overwhelming feelings of a MDE.


Thanks again. I hope that I can implement your suggestions!

 

[This Ends Now]

Happy that my post was helpful. I have faith that you can and will implement the suggestions since you are already doing it to some extent when you say to yourself "this too shall pass". Those words helped my mother survive many MDEs and were the foundation for my survival as well.

I am interested in the questions you posted as I have faced those same questions many times before and probably will again. I think the conclusion I am most happy with is "yes". All three enemies are possible, but how does that change the fight? Prayer, meditation, counseling, and sometimes medicine are helpful regardless of what combination of these we are fighting. Should you, I and the rest of us who this effects be fighting something or accepting something depends on what we fight and what we accept. Claiming God's promise is a good thing but it is not simple or easy; just elegant and helpful. Understanding God's promise is a long process and I think it is good to meditate on what that promise and you faith mean to you.

I am glad to hear you state that you "want to live a happy, fulfilled and purposeful life." There is a lot of meaning in that statement. First you state that you WANT to live and that is a great foundation! You also state that you want your life to have meaning or purpose. This is a great insight on one of the reasons WHY you want to live. Since you are of the Christian faith then your existence must be a part of God's purpose since ultimately He is in control even when we do not understand His ways. I think that by continuing to fulfill His purpose and finding more ways to fulfill this purpose you will continue to FIND and increase the moments of happiness you experience in life.

I wish you well and will say a prayer for you.

Liz

 

[changed]

Iam thats so brave, I feel like copying and pasting what u sent ur T to my T (but I wont). I hope you get the answers to your questions, please let us know how u get on!

Its nice having u all here, I find myself eager to get home to log in to see whats been hapening and speak to you guys! Its comforting having people who are going through similar things and feeling the same (not in a sick way) but that we are not alone with it all.
I have my appointment on wednesday I will try to be more open with my T.

Liz, thankyou for your hopeful advice, you have a great way of putting things.

hugs to you both x