Dom Violence I worked for a domestic violence awareness group yet i can’t leave

[speakingout]

In college I worked for a group that raised awareness for domestic violence. In college I also fell in love with someone, after years of thinking love was just a lie. For the first time in years I felt like romantic love could actually exist for me again. I had a lot of trust issues before all of this, but I felt like I could really trust this person. After almost a year of dating, we moved into his moms house to afford rent. We both just graduated and got some decent jobs. However, shortly into our time living together he started blaming me for little things and taking his anger out on me. When he was mad he punched a hole in the wall, threatened to never speak to his family again, rushed towards me, pushed me back towards the bed, broke things. Regardless of knowing ample statistics on the matter, I told myself it was a one time thing. I told myself it wouldn’t be like the statistics, that it wouldn't happen to me. However, a few weeks or months later, we argued in the car and he hit me. It bruised immediately. I told myself it wasn’t as big of a deal because it wasn’t on my face. I didn’t have to use makeup to cover it up, I could just wear pants. All the other people had it way worse so I can’t complain. Leaving would make it real. After several more months, he hasn’t “hit me” per se, it’s been small instances that he has frequently described as “accidents”. When he calls me or his mom a dumb f*cking c*nt, idiot, or the like, I have chalked it up to him being angry and unable to control his emotions. When he either real or pretend chokes me when he is mad or rushes towards me with that very specific face, I am fearful but I also know it isn’t my fault, as much as he would like me to believe. We both know the statistics, yet nothing has changed. We both have bright futures, but that doesn’t make it any easier to encourage him to get help or for me to leave. When I look at him I usually see my best friend, someone who has encoraged and supporte me through so much already, someone who sometimes can’t control his anger. I am scared because I’m increasingly beginning to see him as my abuser even though the memories of specific abuse instances fade.

Thoughts?

 

[Neverthesame]

My thoughts?
Dump his ass.

I told myself it wasn’t as big of a deal because it wasn’t on my face.

Minimisation and denial. You have to know how flimsy that rationalisation is right?

All the other people had it way worse so I can’t complain.

Alot of people also have it better. You deserve to have it better too.
You don't deserve to be abused.

Leaving would make it real.

It's already real. Leaving would make it end.

he hasn’t “hit me” per se

So?
You know what else he could not "hit you" with?
A knife. That's a "stab".
A hot implement or liquid. That's a "burn"
Pushed down the stairs. That's a "fall"
He can do an incredible amount of harm to you without having to "hit" you.

I have chalked it up to him being angry and unable to control his emotions. When he either real or pretend chokes me

He can control his emotions. That's complete bullshit. He's choosing not too. Don't fall for it. He chokes you! He is putting enough pressure on your neck to completely block your airway. What happens if he "can't control himself" for too long while still strangling you?

doesn’t make it any easier to encourage him to get help or for me to leave.

If it were easy, domestic violence wouldn't be a problem.

About this "encourage him to get help" thing. I want to ask you a rhetorical question.

If one day you got into an argument with someone who you love dearly that has never been abusive to you. During this argument, you get so enraged that you actually lose control of yourself and hit that person hard enough to give them a black eye.
What's the first thing you would do?

1. Immediately distance yourself from that person, then get help for yourself. So this never ever happens again, because hitting your loved one is totally unacceptable and must not be allowed to re-occur?
2. Say you're sorry, then do nothing about it. Making yourself a ticking bomb, ready to go off and hurt your loved one again?

someone who sometimes can’t control his anger. I am scared because I’m increasingly beginning to see him as my abuser

Again, yes he f*cking can.
You are beginning to see him for what he is. A scary abuser. A guy who says he cares about you, as he hits and strangles you. Who doesn't seem bothered enough about his "Uncontrollable Anger" to put forth any effort to prevent it happening again.

I also know it isn’t my fault,

Yes. Correct. It's not your fault. You have nothing to be ashamed of. All you are responsible for is taking care of yourself.
You don't deserve to be treated this way. You deserve a safe home.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I agree with Neverthesame, he is abusive towards you and I think you'd be better leaving him, I doubt that he will ever change. When I read that he chokes you, that was it for me... that's terrifying to think you are actually with someone who does that to you. Feeling scared in a relationship? That's a big no-no.

 

[bento]

speakout, I really get why it's hard to leave. Why it's confusing. Your best friend has
morphed into someone else and I'm guessing there are enough glimpses of your former
best friend to think that maybe you're overreacting or need to give him more chances.

My former husband was the quintessential nice guy. When we married, he began being
subtly abusive to me and played expertly on my insecurities. By the time he became
overtly abusive, I was confused, isolated, and ironically more in need of my "best friend"
than ever. What a mind f**k.

My situation was similar to yours, verbal abuse, some physical threats, a few "real"
incidences, but mostly scary potentiality. Like he was constantly thinking of doing me
harm. When we finally separated, he suddenly wanted to get back together and of
course I didn't want to take any chances. So I asked him about specific events and
what he was thinking. As he had experienced several severe negative life events, he
was unusually open to telling me the truth. What he shared was so scary, so pathological,
so potentially dangerous, that he inadvertently made me more scared of him than ever.

The reality of abusers is that they are literally addicted to abusing you. And like any form
of addiction, there is a need for ever increasing "dosage". That's why
abuse continues to worsen over time. The best book I've seen to explain this is
Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" The abusers he worked with were clearly
using abuse to get what they wanted as well as to vent their frustrations on their
spouses. It is clear from countless interviews that the main reason that abusive men are
continually enraged is both from their disordered thinking (taking offense at nearly everything)
and because they are addicted to the power rush of having total control over someone.

I cannot tell you how dangerously disordered my former husband's thinking was. It was just
shocking, but I could see how he was continually enraged at what would be
either non issues or something trivial. He also told me several times, "I'm more evil than
you'll ever know", and also "I don't think I can ever stop hurting you." Although he made
a pretense of getting help (he claimed he wanted to learn to be a good father, a huge
hook for me to push the pause button on the divorce proceedings) he only went through
the motions. Remorse and feigned reformation is also another unfortunately typical
behavior. I now very much regret spending as much time listening to him as I did.


The harsh truth is that domestic violence can turn lethal. You can never know what will
be the triggering event to make that happen. Your best friend is clearly no longer your
best friend, if he ever was your best friend. He is hurting you now, and you are in real
and present danger for much greater harm in the future. And consider this, even if he doesn't
cause you immediate physical harm, the lasting damage done to you from living under these
circumstances will be severe. To give you some idea: one of my "hobbies" now is going
to the dentist. I've had more root canals, caps, cracked teeth from years of constant stress.
I will now need extensive gum surgery, and it's likely I will still lose some of my front teeth.
Just one of the many ways that domestic violence will linger on long after the "relationship"
is over. Please consider getting out as soon as you are safely able.

 

[EveHarrington]

Do you have PTSD?

I ask only because if you stay, you're increasing your risk of developing this lifelong disorder. Read stories around the forum. This is not something you want.

If you already have PTSD, you're just making your chances of healing even worse. It's impossible to heal unless the trauma is behind you and you are in a safe space.

Please get out. NOW.

LOVE IS AN ACTION.

THIS MAN DOES NOT LOVE YOU!

 

[bento]

"It's impossible to heal unless the trauma is behind you and you are in a safe space."
@eve So true!!!

 

[Friday]

You worked in the field, so you know where this will go.
You now live in domestic violence, so now you know why people stay.

You also probably know that you don't have to worry about leaving, because if you do? You'll probably go back to him. Statistically? 7 times. By then you & your kids will either stay gone, or you'll be dead. ((I don't have kids! ...by the time 7 breakups happen? You probably will. And daddy will be hurting mommy. Again. ...Assuming you're not gay. In which case count your blessings that you won't have to choose between your best friend and your babies. Unless, during some good years you adopt. And then it's same story, different pronouns.))

You love him & he's your best friend. That won't stop being true until about 2 years after you leave... For good. Again, you've worked in the field. You know "But I love him!" isn't some kind of magic phrase, Hollywood & fairytales (and every DV victim ever) would like to believe. The human heart is a powerful thing... It can love the same person who hurts you, hurts your kids, and eventually kills you. But loving someone doesn't change them, and it doesn't conquer all.

So you've got 7 breakups & a minimum of 2 years recovery time. Just statistically. Unless you REALLY don't want to be a statistic. But you've already seen how hard that is.

My thoughts? Start the clock now. Get that first breakup under your belt.

 

[CLor]

In college I worked for a group that raised awareness for domestic violence. In college I also fell in love with s...

Remember this; Abusers CAN control their anger and reactions if there is a WITNESS. (he is also abusing his mother, and she probably has enabled him to do so) but you don't have to put up with his abuse. YOU ARE YOUNG, YOU DESERVE BETTER, YOU HAVE NO KIDS, YOU ARE EDUCATED AND SMART !
ABUSERS DON'T CHANGE
ABUSE ONLY ESCALATES
ABUSE HAS CYCLES; if he abused you all the time, you will leave him, he uses abuse to "RE GAIN CONTROL" not to get rid of you ! you feed his ego by staying, if you leave him, dump him, that would hurt his ego. MAKE SURE HE DOES NOT KNOW WHERE YOU GO ! AND FILE FOR AN INJUNCTION BECAUSE when their ego gets hurt, they will chase you down, follow you, and abuse actually can escalate. STOP JUSTIFYING HIM, and feeling you owe him anything, don't blame yourself, stop looking for excuses, ABUSERS DON'T CHANGE - the cycle changes; honey moon, tension build, abuse and so on.... what you going thru is ABUSE PERIOD !
take care.

 

[Flecksofmidnight]

It is okay that you worked for a DV group yet haven’t left yet. It doesn’t make you stupid or anything. My thoughts are to get away *only if it’s safe and when it is safe*. Start saving money for yourself and documenting everything he does to you. I’m so so sorry.