General Ideas To Balance Marriage

[nelle]

Hi, My h is in therapy and getting better, but slowly and sometimes he's just not available. I have taken on a lot of extra responsibility to keep our home and marriage going. I also have my own biz that takes a lot of energy and time.

I am getting really exhausted and feel it's time for my h to step up and take on more. He doesn't seem to get it as to how much I do and appears content just doing the bare min. also with me doing so much it's so easy for him to blame me when things go wrong.

I could go on and on......He had a breakdown and was inpatient at the VA for abt 6 weeks is now doing out patient at the VA and elsewhere. This has all been since aug. It's PTSD and depression.

We are doing a co-joined cognitive thing for couples at the VA. It's a good but requires time and writing. He doesn't always do the writing. I am for sure putting more effort into it than he is. We are supposed to write stuff everyday. When I see that he hasn't written I feel disappointed and lose interest in writing anything myself.

I know he loves me and has recently expressed desire to mend things. I am so happy to hear this from him. He has said it before tho and when we hit a "bump" he shuts back down.

Just looking for ideas on how to regain or obtain balance.

I know I can't change him but how the heck do I get him to do more. It's starting to feel unhealthy, like he's turned into a kid and I'm the mommy which is not sexy and sucks in general. Thank God my actual kids are grown!

Ideas?

Thanks y'all.

<please use full words as much as possible instead of abbreviations thank you>

 

[Toria]

The only thing that I can think is to try setting him a task every day and see how you get on. I try it with mine and it doesn't always work - and yes it is then very frustrating. I had a big day at work last week, he finished work at lunchtime and had three clients to call. The numbers were still on the side when I got home and I ended up ringing them the following day... but I tried. There are days when he does do things, perhaps it's just a case of picking the tasks. Re the writing, could you both put 20 minutes aside to both sit at the same table and both do your writing? I'm not sure how it works, so that might defeat the object - but it would make sure you both put in the effort. Best of luck

 

[nelle]

Thanks! Was a tough day when I wrote last. Better today. Lots of ups and downs living with a person who has ptsd.

 

[Nicolette]

When I see that he hasn't written I feel disappointed and lose interest in writing anything myself.

Is actually writing what he is feeling the problem or the writing itself? Maybe he doesn't have the energy to sort his thoughts and write? What about him trying to tape something daily instead? His head might be so muddled that when he writes he gets lost and feels stupid if it's all over the place?

I know I can't change him but how the heck do I get him to do more. It's starting to feel unhealthy, like he's turned into a kid and I'm the mommy which is not sexy and sucks in general.

In some ways you can't expect much but at the same time I refuse to accept nothing as they have to pull their weight too.

For me, having a clean house is important; I am too busy working so I have a cleaner - which I had before I met hubby. He sometimes says we could do without one but the minute he is really sick he carries on about how he outlined at the start that I should have no expectations of him. So the cleaner stays as I say to him I don't want to resent him and he doesn't want me to count on him and it is not something which can be let go.

With out things like vacuuming and mopping floors; I can't do them due to my back injury and the minute I do its $80 to go and get a treatment... so hubby has agreed this is his job but again, when he is sick, he may not do it, it gets to the point of driving me crazy I do it and we are $80 worse off again. He now knows he has to do it at least once a week and it is his responsibility, sick or not and does do it. I don't nag or comment until a week as that is the arrangement. Then I will ask that morning would he please mop and vacuum today. Not complain, whinge or nag.

I have found writing a list useful saying these are the things which need to be done and I can't do. I then ask him to pick one and do it for the day. As he has got better more gets done but sometimes there are bad days.

Other things I do is put things out where I know he will go during the day as sometimes it is short term memory loss. I leave the washing basket in front of the entry of the kitchen and 99% of the time come home to it being hung up. If I don't do that and leave it in the laundry it will be there when I get home.

I don't know your husband but you can surely try different methods and see what works. I for instance, if knowing he is a bit off colour, will ask when he rings at lunch time if he's had a chance to hang the washing out or what's for dinner... stimulate the thinking without it being an argument seems to work for the better part of the times of illness for me.

 

[Nicolette]

PS... also having designated 'jobs' and responsibility/ownership for them seems to help for us too.

 

[ISupportHer]

I did most everything for, well, a couple of years, I guess. If I didn't do it, then there was no clean laundry. No clean dishes. Would have been nothing for dinner many times.

My approach was that it was payback. Like a group of Canadian Geese that take turns flying at the front, where the work is the hardest. And my approach was to express appreciation to her when she COULD do something to help. It was my turn.

Oh, and I bitched and moaned privately and on the forum:roflmao:

 

[Barberian]

~ It's a good but requires time and writing. He doesn't always do the writing.

Ideas?

Vista and Windows 7 have a speach to text program called "Windows speech Recognition". It's in the accessories tab, under ease of access. You use a microphone, and it listens to what you say, converting it to text. It takes about half an hour to set up and use. You have to read out loud to the mircrophone to train it to your voice. You can also use it to command Windows to do other stuff, but that's off topic. I use it sometimes when I want free flowing text without having to concentrate on typeing. There are a lot of errors sometimes, but I haven't used it much. The more you use it, the better it gets at understanding you. I speak very quickly often without pausing between words. That is where most of the errors happen.

If your hubby used that program he might be able to do his writing easier. It's also a "gee wiz" factor to it that can make writing fun.

 

[Eleanor]

I once lived, for a while, with my cousin and his wife. We all worked - a lot - and housework was an issue - UNTIL we divided the work into "manly man" jobs, and "women's work". The manly man stuff was always done - taking out trash, keeping stuff fixed, all car stuff, anything to do with electricity or plumbing. ("The vacuum is broken - HELP, I need a Manly Man!") I didn't worry about changing my truck's oil or even filling it with gas for like, a year!:D It was nice because he got a real kick out of the two gal's talking about how nice it was to have a manly man around the house:tup:. Of course this may have been a fair arrangement only because we had TWO women to take care of the "women's work".:)

I guess if I knew how to make writing more palatable I'd use it on myself tho:speechless:

 

[Pale Warrior]

like he's turned into a kid and I'm the mommy which is not sexy and sucks in general

Oh, I know this one so well. Infact it could characterise the first 8 years post accident. Helped put paid to satisfying intimacy too, creepy thoughts never good.

I have tried everything, direct conversations, dividing jobs, lists, schedules, nagging, not nagging, letting him sit in his own fifth (not nice). I got passive agressive on him for a while and felt dreadful, not a productive point in our marriage, so kicked that tactic to the kerb.

My avatar sums up those feelings.

All that said, he has bucked up and some of it stems from my leaving him for a period with that as a stated cause of my unhappiness. He had to do for himself or run out of clothes and starve. Also, I bought him a one day cookery course at our favourite restaurant. Had to drive him there, escort him in and sit outside for an hour just incase he got the heebie jeebies, but it did give him a bit more confidence. I then picked up the batton and taught him to cook...

While it was traumatic for both of us, we can look back at it and smile at his bizzare/disgusting/dangerous early attempts. But it worked (eventually).

Time and persistance, gentle pressure and a big stubborn streak on my part. While still not perfect or stress free, it is 100% better than it was.

By the way, do you know about "Spoon Theory"?

Good luck, and my heart felt hopes are with you.

 

[HEART BROKEN]

I do share in this frustration. All I can say is some days or weeks are better than others. I'm starting to think this yo-yo marriage is normal?! I do my best daily, trying to keep contol of my own emotions.

I have asked my H repeatedly to do simple tasks, which he can NEVER remember (ie: what night to put the garbage out, to put the kids unfinished sippy cups back in the fridge after I've already left the house for work, etc) or I get the rolling of the eyes when I ask. Often I feel angry that he refuses to care or pitch in when I do have to ask. I try and remember his past, what he has gone through, and where he is at today to help me not get so worked up over the little things. On the other hand when a home improvement is needed, he will do it, although it may take some time. He does do the laundry without being asked, but NEVER folds it or puts it away, yes even his own. There can be a balance, it may not always feel equal, but I see it as the long term give and take.

Nelle, my thoughts on your spouse taking or not taking the time to write out his thoughts and feelings may differ on the day. Give him space, and the benefit of the doubt, after all isn't that why you are still together?? that shimmer of hope?

A psychic once told me that my H would never leave me and that all the power was mine to leave when I get to the point where I've had enough. I am tired, exhausted at times, but I will not give up....no not just yet.

 

[HEART BROKEN]

BTW....What's the "Spoon Theory"?

 

[Pale Warrior]

It's a 5 minute read but explains it properly:

http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/1245-the-spoon-theory/