Idk What To Call This

[BrazenBull]

Another post in one of the forums triggered this and I thought I might share it to make myself feel a little better

And this is something I have never mentioned even to myself no matter what.

3 months later I was at the vet because my dog wasn't eating much for a week the vet took a blood sample and told me to give him some vitamin powder mixed in water. I got home and did what the vet said but he wouldn't drink anything. instead i sat down on the floor and my dog walked up to me and leaned his forehead against mine for about 3 mins. I think i knew what he was saying and I kind of backed off into a bathroom and started crying. the vet called and said hes having kidney failure and that its recommended that I should bring him in the morning to get put down. I was at my parents house with them and they just came back at that point.

I carried my dog into the bathroom, like I used to do when he was a puppy and tired from all the playing we did (I had him since he was 6 days old and was his segregant mom, he was a little anti social with other dogs because of that, but it was ok because so was I and i was his only friend and he was my only friend and real family for all my high school an for the first year of college ) he just layed there curled up next to me whimpering. 4 hrs later he stopped breathing and i picked him up one last time and hugged him and I wouldn't let go (sorry I cant help but cry again at this point)

2 hrs after that my dad comes in the bathroom and sees me hugging a dead dog so he tells me to let go and he wrapped him up in a blanket put him in a plastic bag. He then put him in front of the air conditioner in my room and told me they would go bury him in the morning.

I spent the whole night hugging my dog that was in a plastic bag and I felt horrible and I still feel just as horrible as I did January 24.
From there all my anxieties got alot worse and I would get alot more violent.
Does it make me pathetic to be grieving over a dog this much? I mean even when my uncle who I have known my whole life got murdered, that was nothing compared to this.

 

[SimplyComplex]

Your feelings are never "pathetic"...it is how you feel...just information, not something to judge. I'm sorry you lost your dog, it sounds like you were very close and it made a wonderful close friend for you in your times of need. Can you think of other times in your life where you might have felt the same as you did when you lost your dog? It sounds like there is a chance that some very deep feelings were triggered by the death and loss of your pup.

As for hugging your dog after it passed, even in the bag...it sounds like you were doing what you needed to to mourn the loss. Did you feel any relief the following day? Have you been able to feel better about the loss? Or do you think it just brought up too many other feelings?

 

[BrazenBull]

Most of my trauma is from being separated from friends and being picked on, used, scared to death that if i f*ck up then my parents wouldn't love me anymore too, but compared to that night I don't think i ever felt so miserable. I diddnt feel any relief, i just felt horrible and i still feel horrible.

And I guess it brought up feelings that I had when I felt completely alone and unwanted and useless IDK

 

[traumablackout]

Losing a pet can be extremely hard to deal with, that's your best friend who stood by your side for all those years, they loved you when you needed it most. It's natural to mourn the passing of such a bond. Your presence soothed his pain I'm sure, a lot of stray animals and abused animals have no one to help him, but you stayed by his side even in death, and I don't care how silly it might sound, animals DO pick up on what humans are feeling, and I'm sure he felt your love for him in his last moments.

You said it yourself, "Most of my trauma is from being separated from friends and being picked on" Well your dog was your friend, and you got separated from him, so I can see how his death could be triggering some powerful emotions for you.

I've also lost a pet, and a boyfriend. When I was grieving what made me feel better was to have a token that I felt embodied their personalities. For the boyfriend, I carried around a "power stone". It was a little green heart made out of polished stone of some kind, he had given it to me a year before he died. For my pet, I carried around his collar tags, I would often kiss the tags and maybe it's silly, but I would tell my cat that I miss him and I'm trying to keep going because he would want that. I did the same with the power stone, and I talked to my boyfriend, even though I know he probably couldn't hear me.

Some people might think that's over the top, but really if it makes you feel better, and it's not hurting anyone else, then I don't see a problem with doing it.

"And I guess it brought up feelings that I had when I felt completely alone and unwanted and useless" You might want to try volunteering at an animal shelter. It will give you a chance to be around a bunch of animals who need someone to care for them. One of the best ways to combat the feelings of worthlessness is to do something special for someone that needs it, because often times they will return your deeds. Especially stray animals, if you are patient and give them affection, they will give it back.

Just some thoughts, I thought I'd offer up what helped me, to you. So if your looking for somewhere where you are needed, volunteer work is something that people always need.