If I Could Ground My Self

[anonymous]

Right now I'm so damned fed up with this. Am having a very bad period and the dissocation is really bad and hard to fight. Am fighting it at the best of my ability, and have a lot of tools to do so. But when it's at it's worst none of them are working.

A thought that have come and gone so many times now is this: IF I COULD ground my self successfully every time would I really have PTSD?? I mean, if it was that simple.. just learning the tools to grounding, and then no more dissociation and : Voila! Problem would be solved! Right?!

Of course I don't only have PTSD, but also severe problems with dissociation(my therapist compares my traumas to some of the worst he heard about from bad war-situations as well as some of the things that thappened in the concentration camps). But nevertheless.. If it was that simple, as to 'just ground your self' I would not have to have any more trauma-therapy. :mad: :arghh; :banghead:

Also.. Am relaxing more(some of the grounding tools involve relaxing more) and then the dissociation gets even worse. Now I'm less hypervigilant, but then I'm more lost into foggieness. It feels like a damned never-ending-mess-shit and I AM SO FRUSTRATED. Am so tired of fighting when it feels like fighting one thing and then seeing another pop up instead, like one of those damn things in a amusement park where you are supposed to hit one thing down just to see another pop up, and you never can stop hitting them down but never beat them anyway.

PTSD is BAD. But dissociation really, really, really sucks!!

 

[StellaBlue]

Am so tired of fighting when it feels like fighting one thing and then seeing another pop up instead, like one of those damn things in a amusement park where you are supposed to hit one thing down just to see another pop up, and you never can stop hitting them down but never beat them anyway.

Whac-A-Mole! My therapist used this analogy with me. It seems like I get one of my "symptoms" under control and a different one rears up (including dissociation). It has helped me to remember that these are symptoms, ways of coping with uncomfortable and overwhelming feelings. They served a purpose at one time...but not so much now. So I recognize when I'm slipping into one and work a little on that, try to name what's going on, what triggered it. It's slow and not perfect.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Am so tired of fighting when it feels like fighting one thing and then seeing another pop up instead, like one of those damn things in a amusement park where you are supposed to hit one thing down just to see another pop up, and you never can stop hitting them down but never beat them anyway.

Something I found, is that fighting dissociation makes it a LOT worse and a lot more freaky. I would dissociate, then the dissociation (in particular de-realisation/de-personalisation) would panic me because I worried that I would lose control or have a flashback, and what was inside would be there for everyone to see. So I'd rush home, and at home I'd be somewhere between sleep and a dream like state. When I slept, my mind was full of horrible images and I felt the body memories intensely and when I was distracted and awake, I was almost watching myself living, but not being involved.

Going into trauma in therapy, showed me that I could go there and that when I dissociated very badly, I cried and acted like a child, but it wasn't as bad as I imagined. And when the fear of losing control through dissociation lessened, the dissociation got a lot easier to deal with.

At the moment, if I find myself dissociating, I look at it as a signal that I have been avoiding my thoughts and feelings. That's the point that I will do my grounding exercises, and I make time to just sit as if I'm in therapy, and give myself those self-analytical therapeutic questions, and talk to my imaginary therapist about how I've really been feeling, what's been going on, what's upsetting me etc.

It is constantly watching the signals in me, but it does work, and I'm keeping on top of it. I've stopped running away or trying to beat off PTSD and dissociation, and I can tell you that it helps to start accepting it as part of you, and learning how to manage and live with it. It gets better that way. .

 

[anonymous]

Whac-A-Mole! My therapist used this analogy with me. It seems like I get one of my "symptoms" under control and a different one rears up (including dissociation). It has helped me to remember that these are symptoms/They served a purpose at one time./It's slow and not perfect.

Thank you, yes, it was a "Whac-A-Mole" I meant! :D Funny to hear someone else also using it.. But it's a good analogy for how it feels.

Something I found, is that fighting dissociation makes it a LOT worse and a lot more freaky.// At the moment, if I find myself dissociating, I look at it as a signal that I have been avoiding my thoughts and feelings. That's the point that I will do my grounding exercises, and I make time to just sit as if I'm in therapy, and give myself those self-analytical therapeutic questions, and talk to my imaginary therapist about how I've really been feeling, what's been going on, what's upsetting me etc.//I've stopped running away or trying to beat off PTSD and dissociation, and I can tell you that it helps to start accepting it as part of you, and learning how to manage and live with it. It gets better that way. .

Thank you for the support. But asking questions to my self about what triggered it isn't really helping much right now. Too much is triggering all of the time. Guess I'm sometimes in a constant flashback, sort of. (In the middle of processing stuff in EMDR.) It's' hard to explain, but of course I could 'accept it' and stop fighting it, but then I would actually not eat ever, nor cope with every day life AT ALL(not doing a great job at that right now, but at least barely coping since I struggle as much as I can to stay present) and I would probably be ending up doing bad stuff.

There is dissociation and then there is dissociation, if anyone understands what I mean. Righ now I'm sometimes so totally split up in different parts that I'm not really in control all the time: this dissociation is worse than the 'normal one'. And not sure how 'just accepting it' would help much. I do accept it, since I can't ignore it since I'm in it/controlled by it so much- despite the fact that I'm working so hard on staying present. (Am not present all the time. Am slipping in and out of this other parts.)

I would do just anything to get hold of the feelings instead, but no matter how much I try to ground my self they are absent; except when I'm in a state where I'm not here and now, and then I can neither think, verbalize stuff nor communicate in any way or form. I'm not ending up dissociation because I 'avoided the feelings/thoughts' voluntarily. I really want to process stuff, but my brain checks out. Despite all my efforts.

I still feel this really sucks. Getting angry with this shit actually made me be able to verbalize more stuff than in a long time. Not sure how 'accepting it' would look like, more than accepting it is happening and dealing with it. But I can't, and won't, LIKE it. It really do sucks. Of course it helped me to survive, but it is wrecking my life now and making healing the PTSD really, really difficult. It is also making me miss out on life. And when I'm sane I really do love life. (When dissociated I couldn't care less.)

 

[Meadowsweet]

You seem to compare your trauma as worse the very worst it can get, and your dissociation is worse than normal. But you don't know that it is worse than anything else. It's just a way of dismissing the idea that you CAN improve your life. Yes it takes time to process and a lot of hard times and effort. But it can be done and maximising your experience or minimising that of others isn't helping you.

Accepting isn't about finding some sort of liking for it, it's just accepting and getting on with what you've got - which is PTSD and dissociation. It sucks, but it is the way it is. It's no better or worse for anyone else. No one gives a shit if I'm ill or not, or whether I've been through trauma or how bad it was. No ones going to make a big deal and tell me it's terrible for me. So the options for me are to shut the f*ck up and die, or do the best of my ability to manage it. I don't like that being minimised.

 

[anonymous]

Minimizing?? :confused: Not sure how you could interpret anything I said as minimizing anyone else's, or yours, suffering? Because I sure as hell don't!! I don't compare- I try to see similarities and understand. But we are not all alike in everything. My comment about what my therapist said about my traumas were only there to explain the background and the severity of dissociation. (not really articulate or good with straightening thoughts out in a cleat way when in this state)

I responded to your response with the truth. You gave suggestions, and I said thank you, but also tried to explain that some of your suggestions don't work for me right now. Possibly you don't know this kind of dissociation or don't understand what I'm coming from? But why do you have to make that into minimizing your experience?? Different doesn't mean better/worse- only different.

Nor do I find the 'suck it up'-attitude you put on now neither helpful nor nice. I don't "feel sorry" for me in they way you made it sound like. I'm struggling badly and needed to VENT, and try to organize some stuff. If you felt no interest in listening you didn't have to. It wasn't directed at you.

I never had a chance to neither feel nor express my feelings when I was a kid nor a young adult- so I am sure as hell not going to shut up, just 'suck it up' and be quiet now. I'm going to work hard on allowing my self to feel whatever I feel, and really don't appreciate you trying to put shame on me for doing so.

Really don't understand why you had to take my post so personal.

 

[anonymous]

Ps. @Meadowsweet I replied to you up there. - Also I do work very hard on my recovery(really never had a 'normal', so can't recover- need to build up.) Venting is part of that fight to get well.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I said that you minimised because you assumed that just because I had found a way through, and wanted to share that with you in case you could use it, that it meant that I didn't understand how bad it can be.

I misread your need to vent, and offered advice instead, that's a mistake. Vent away, and I'm sure others will understand better. I'm gone.

 

[anonymous]

@Meadowsweet - I never said anything about you not understanding me nor assumed anything about you, only answered. (reading through I can't find that anywhere in my text) but your advice was nice but not accurate in the situation I'm in now. You said among other things that the dissociation happened when you've avoided some feelings/thoughts. - But I'm not. I really, really would rather feel whatever and cry or deal with whatever thought than 'get lost' despite so hard efforts to ground my self.

I just expressed my anger at this shit(dissociation)- NOT at you. I'm sorry if that triggered you in any way.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I really, really would rather feel whatever and cry or deal with whatever thought

This is exactly what I mean by avoiding feelings/thoughts. It i9s not a conscious choice, it is a way of acknowledging that the dissociation is a response to thoughts and feelings that are there somewhere, but we can't reach.

I've had dissociative episodes for as long as I remember. I understand dissociation as happening along a scale of severity. What I consider 'normal' dissociation is the thousand mile stare, day-dreaming, losing focus when driving etc. On the extreme end is DID, which I understand as having distinct identities that operate independently and without knowledge of the other identities and I don't have DID. However, I acknowledge that dissociation and identity confusion has played a part in adult trauma, so I take my dissociation quite seriously because it is a danger to me.

I developed PTSD symptoms from an adult trauma eight years ago now. In that time, I've had to accept that complex issues were a problem in my life and in how I handled things. Recently, I'm coming to accept that I am in a much better place now, but I'm also having to accept that I will always have PTSD symptoms, and the risk of dissociative responses. I have been more inclined to minimise my trauma and not recognise (or be in denial of) its effects on me. So acceptance is not an easy thing or something that has happened over night. It is very very difficult.

The same applies to all therapeutic techniques, including grounding. What you seem to be angry about, is that people are giving you ways that can be of help, but you're finding that it isn't easy to do. that is understandable. It is very very frustrating and painfully slow at times. But where you are mistaken, is thinking that other people (me or your therapist) expect you to be able to use those techniques instantly, or that other people have found it easy or had it easier, and are vastly misjudging how difficult it is for you. That's simply not true.