Hi, Emmie420, I think the key statement that gets me here is "today I had this thought that maybe I'm having flashbacks because there's something I need to do and that is why It won't go away." As everyone says, I promise, PROMISE you this is not the case.Flashbacks are from the past, not the present first off. Second, it may like it in the "rage of the moment" but I assure you that is false. Taking someone out seems like you delete a problem. NO. Believe me, I have fits of rage like a 250 lb. man when it comes, and if you would like me to tell a story I will, gladly. You know what, screw it. Hopefully this helps.
My husband and I had an old high school best friend of his come two years ago for new years to our house to chill for a week and he brought his girlfriend whom I had met once before. She seemed cool the first hang out, but as everyone knows, hanging out with people for a week really starts to bring out the real person. She was incompetent, immature, codependent, and evil. After tolerating a TON of BS for four days and not initiating anything between her to not mess anything up with my husband and his inseparable friend from the past, she pulls a huge "poor me" drama where she believes I gave her food poisoning from my cooking (im an ex chef) so that was already laughable, then a. no one else is sick, b. foodborne illness comes on well after an hour of eating you moron- so she leaves the bathroom door open, forces herself to puke loudly, and I see her phone on the table Im sitting at and it shows up with a text saying mom: well tell that bitch to wear a bra and take care of you better" I pick up her phone and there's all these texts from her mom, and I scroll up and she's telling her family that we are starving her, treating her inhumanely, and that I am a hippy who never wears a bra, and that I'm awful. I just went red. I started shaking. I wanted to go shove that cell phone up her throat. I gave it to her boyfriend and said that is the cruelest thing I've ever heard. I went in and just shut the door so she couldn't beg for anyones attention anymore, and went outside. I thought I wanted to fight her at the least. It got worse, the boyfriend talked to her and said shes been an embarrassment this entire time and she should apologize, because i was nothing but giving to her. Her apology was Im sorry but your not really that nice in the morning, and he and i are going through our own issues too. I still have flashbacks of this moment. I'm red in the face right now even. Nothing was about her. It was all us. I let the situation go, said my piece and tried to keep my composure, still had to go walk outside again after she said that, and I didn't react because of my husband. I have homicidal dreams and thoughts about her maybe once a month. Still do every once in a while. But here's the thing. As much as I can not let go of the fact that I didn't beat the ever living pulp out of her, or how I want to off her just to give our good friend a chance to be with someone who is actually a good person, what would that teach her. Nothing. and then offing her so that my friend can be with someone better because he deserves it, I HAVE to sit back and accept the painful acknowledgment that HE CHOSE HER. It is not my duty to kill. While I hear you, murder solves NOTHING. I would bet you money your thoughts and flashbacks will remain JUST as bad, most likely worse.
I suggest a HUGE outlet for you. Buy a punching bag. Get into archery or gun shooting. I got into MMA, find something that will lower your level of rage. It can and has taken lives. Anger makes the body ill. Even if you draw a picture of someone you hate, scrape, scratch, tear, stab the picture. Whatever you have to do. Taking a life is WAY different than how you picture it in your mind. There are so many awful repercussions that I don't feel you are thinking because you are fueled with such anger. I hope this helps.
Please take care and get started on draining that out for you and others.
