Muttly
Diamond Member
I don't know if this is the right place to post. Right now, I don't feel dysregulated. I am numb or dissociated or something. I don't know. I may be working on getting drunk too, because that's a good idea </sarcasm>. I guess the evidence would say I'm dysregulated. I've cut today. It's been a long time. It's all super shallow, more scratches than cuts. I imagine I will cut some more before I go to bed. I don't really care. I have acted out in other behaviors too. And mostly, I want to be dead. I'm getting closer to the planning stage. It won't be for today or tomorrow or the next day. I am going down to see my sister. Not my bio family, thank goodness, but my family of choice. I can't do anything until after that. And I've been through the suicidal stuff enough to know the routine. I'll probably get a grip on it by then. I'll probably decide the pets I have need me.
If any of you will be following along, you know have some significant financial issues. Like I could lose my home. I could, possibly end up homeless although I can probably keep that from happening. To do that though, I may have to move hundreds of miles away to place where I cann find work and the cost of living is less. To be clear, I am not looking for financial advice in this post. I've been doing the things the advisers tell you to do. It's a long, stressful process. I'm doing that, while trying to work as much as possible, do the trauma work and take care of the pets. Also deal with the car that broke down. It got fixed. Repair place was dishonest. Had to fight to get it fixed at the cost they quoted me. Had to swallow my pride and take financial help because I couldn't pay. Had to just take it back, because gee, they didn't fix it right. Blah blah blah... life is stupid. People deal with this crap all the time. I should quit whining.
And then... my special dog. The one who stole a piece of my heart no other living being, human or animal has touched. Started going downhill. She had such significant disabilities she was deemed hopeless by everyone when she was a tiny pup. She was way too stubborn to give up so I fostered her and then adopted her. I gave her the best life I could, but it was all falling apart. It probably took me longer to see that than it should have. But... she was special. And she was such a fighter. She was spending more and more time miserable so Tuesday, I finally let her go. It was rough. It happened at the vet clinic I work at. With the staff I work with My sweet, stubborn baby was being her fierce self. She was only ok if I held her. They don't usually let you do that. There's advantages to being an employee. And disadvantages, I suppose. She didn't go easy. I held her through that. Even after her heart stopped beating her brain was firing away. I only knew she was gone, when she peed on me. Tomorrow I go back to work. I don't know how that will be. Not easy.
I am numb. I'm not feeling anything as I write this. Except tired. I know all the behaviors - cutting, restricting, alcohol, talking to people I shouldn't, etc are to numb me out. I know that if I'm numbing myself, I'm not actually dealing with it. Again, I don't really care.
Oh... and just to add to the fun, we are moving into the season when my PTSD is the worst. Oh well, don't care about that either. I just have to hold together until I get back from my trip. Until then I can't do anything too serious. Which means I'm fine right?
If any of you will be following along, you know have some significant financial issues. Like I could lose my home. I could, possibly end up homeless although I can probably keep that from happening. To do that though, I may have to move hundreds of miles away to place where I cann find work and the cost of living is less. To be clear, I am not looking for financial advice in this post. I've been doing the things the advisers tell you to do. It's a long, stressful process. I'm doing that, while trying to work as much as possible, do the trauma work and take care of the pets. Also deal with the car that broke down. It got fixed. Repair place was dishonest. Had to fight to get it fixed at the cost they quoted me. Had to swallow my pride and take financial help because I couldn't pay. Had to just take it back, because gee, they didn't fix it right. Blah blah blah... life is stupid. People deal with this crap all the time. I should quit whining.
And then... my special dog. The one who stole a piece of my heart no other living being, human or animal has touched. Started going downhill. She had such significant disabilities she was deemed hopeless by everyone when she was a tiny pup. She was way too stubborn to give up so I fostered her and then adopted her. I gave her the best life I could, but it was all falling apart. It probably took me longer to see that than it should have. But... she was special. And she was such a fighter. She was spending more and more time miserable so Tuesday, I finally let her go. It was rough. It happened at the vet clinic I work at. With the staff I work with My sweet, stubborn baby was being her fierce self. She was only ok if I held her. They don't usually let you do that. There's advantages to being an employee. And disadvantages, I suppose. She didn't go easy. I held her through that. Even after her heart stopped beating her brain was firing away. I only knew she was gone, when she peed on me. Tomorrow I go back to work. I don't know how that will be. Not easy.
I am numb. I'm not feeling anything as I write this. Except tired. I know all the behaviors - cutting, restricting, alcohol, talking to people I shouldn't, etc are to numb me out. I know that if I'm numbing myself, I'm not actually dealing with it. Again, I don't really care.
Oh... and just to add to the fun, we are moving into the season when my PTSD is the worst. Oh well, don't care about that either. I just have to hold together until I get back from my trip. Until then I can't do anything too serious. Which means I'm fine right?
