If The Story Of My Life Helps Others, Then Let The Story Be Told

[RussH]

You shouldn't act like a hammer anymore, because you have always been a diamond. Be proud, my friend! :)

Thank you Snowwhite. You most certainly can adopt my" be your own hero" motto.

I am not sure telling my boss was courage, as much as it was desperation. I had something trigger an emotional response that has been one of my worst ones. It lasted for three weeks, and everyone at work knew something was wrong. If you read my post then you saw me mention a book called "Unspoken" by Dee Henderson? I credit that book with my finally figuring out that there were others suffering like I have been, so I began my search for help.

If you are a reader, Dee Henderson's books Romance-suspence are good, and she really gets what it means to be broken.

 

[RussH]

Saturday: Yesterday was a good day at work. It was not a good day because work went well, although it did, but because I actually felt comfortable in my work enviroment.

The last several times that something has triggered an emotional response has been at work, and the last one has been, by far, the worst. Since then I have not felt compltetely safe in the work enviroment. It is a combination of knowing that my co-workers very obviously knew something was wrong with me, and knowing that my supervisors know things about my past that have remained secret.

I had planned on meeting with the manager and all the team supervisors to fill them in about what is happening, and to ask for support. However there was just never a time we could meet, so I suggested to my manager that I write it out and give it to them to read, then we could meet at a later day. It ended up being seven and one-half pages single spaced that took three- one-half hours to write, but I did it and submitted it to them. I have been on pins and needles waiting for them to read it.

The team supervisor I was working with yesterday has finally read it. (She is a great lady and one of the very few people I trust.) she is the one that I was working with when this last episode was triggered, and she told me that reading my paper gave her a much better understanding of what I am going through. Her telling me that really helped me to relax at work. It felt so good to not be all tense while working, and as a result I felt much more confident in doing my job.

I also know that, as the other team supervisors respond to my paper, that I will be able to relax at work when they are in charge. I also know that, because the understand what is going on with me, they will be much more cognitive of what can trigger an emotional response in me, and maybe help mitigate the response. Here is hoping anyway:) However just knowing that they know will be a big help for me, and knowing I have some people that, at least understand, will help.

If you do not have a support network in place, then allow me to encourage you to get one in place.

 

[RussH]

Today I go to my therapist for my second visit. The first visit was just me filling her in about my past, and what is happening with me now. Today, we will begin the actual therapy. I don't know what to expect, but I will come back to this diary entry this evening and give an update. Here is hoping for a good day.

 

[RussH]

Ok, the end of the day. It was a rough day. My step- father-in- law passed away on Sunday, yesterday, so we are dealing with this, and then today I had my second session with my therapist. The first session was primarily me giving sharing my life story with her, so I really did not know what to expect today. I had a feeling though it would end up with me in tears.

I have put in a lot of thought into what my primary emotion is when I have my flashbacks, and I have determined it is grief. So, of course my therapist wanted me to bring up that grief. she gave me the thing-a-ma-jug that has the ear phones and bobs you hold in your hand. She told me the back and forth sound and vibration will help my brain resolve the unresolved issues of my trauma. So I put on the phones and took the bobs, and brought to mind my grief, and what the root cause of it is.

I have always felt that I lost a part of myself when I went through the emotional trauma. I always considered, and said that a part of me died. However I don't think that is true anymore. As priviously posted I think, of a little boy inside of me that is hiding; waiting for someone to come and save him. I grieve for that little lost boy.

I asked my therapist if she has ever seen the disney movie, The Kid"? She has not seen it, so I recommended she watch it. There is a scene in the movie where the adult Russ, Bruce Willis, (Ironic the character's name is Russ) finally remembers where his deep emotional hurt happened. He gathers the little Russ in his arms and holds him. It is a really beautiful scene. I told my therapist that is what I want. I want to hold that little boy that is inside of me who is hurting and afraid. I want to take away the hurt, and let him know everything is going to be ok. I want to tell him it is safe to come out from hiding.

So my session involved blubbering, and talking about a movie, but it was a good session, and I am hopful of being able to reslove these past hurts.

I truly hope my musings and postings help others who are out there hurting. If you are reading this; please know I care what is going on with you. I care about the pain, and the suffering you are enduring, and I want you to know you are not alone.

 

[HelenB]

That is such a beautiful picture you describe of being able to hold the child within, who in that place is so desprate for someone to come and and save them and make it all safe. I know you are a Christian from what you have already said, and know so well for myself that also that child in me needs more than ever to be able to allow God in and that He also is safe, and I am praying that you really can know Him holding you too, as you bring all your grief and pain to Him, and know that He really is so safe and will never leave you, and that everything which He went through really does mean that you can find full freedom, and that the little boy can instead find the joy, acceptance, freedom and hope, which God had so much planned for him.

God Bless
Helen

 

[RussH]

Helen B wrote

I am praying that you really can know him holding you too, as you bring all your grief and pain to him:

Thank you Helen. God bless you.

 

[RussH]

There is a scripture where Paul writes " Where I am weak he is made strong" I was in my therapy session last week, and my therapist gave me a list of negative cognations to read over. She asked me to identify any of them I relate to. As I read over the list I came to one that said " I am unimportant. or insignificant" I recognized imediately recognized that in my; in fact I am made that statement that I am not important; that I don't matter.

When I read that I smiled; I told my therapist that, while I recognize this is a negative conigination, I view it as a strength. I view others as more important than me, therefore I tend to put their needs above my own. And I am ok with this. To me this is a way of demonstrating my love for my fellow man. I choose to prefer them over myself. I am truly at peace with with feeling insignificant.

I am not sure if this is a result of being traumatized, or being a christian, but I choose to think it is because of being a christian. If I am wrong about that, and it is because of being traumatized, then this is a case of God taking lemons and making lemonade. I believe my life will be far richer if I live it with the idea of making the lives of others better, by putting their needs above my own. Don't get me wrong; this is not a case of "here I am a rug, walk all over me", and I will absolutely not put myself in a position that I am allowing others to bully me. It is my own way, my mindset of how I serve others.

Perhaps, in time. God will change my thoughts, my feelings, of being insignificant, because I really, really feel I am insignificant. It goes with my feelings of having no value, and I know that feeling has to change. I just hope I can manage to have both: to have value, but also remain insignificant, and prefer others ahead of myself.

 

[HelenB]

I have also been thinking about that verse a lot this week, and do believe that it is true when God says He will take all things and use them for good but do not necessarily think this is what that verse is saying. I think that out of the bad, good things do come, but I think this verse is talking about when we finally realise we cannot do it in our own strength and really realise how weak we are, that it opens the door to allow Him to come in, and then in His strength we can be strong and can overcome.

The bible says that we should love others as we love ourselves. This means it is vital that we do love ourselves. The bible also says that we are fearfully and wonderfully made and that we do have significance - so much that Jesus was willing to die for us and really take everything we ever endured. I know for myself that loving myself and really believing the value there is in me is very hard, but I do really believe that it is truth that you are significant - not just for what you can be to others - but because you are you. God made you and He said "it is very good" and that really is what He thinks about you. The whole of you, including that little boy inside, because you are His son and He loves you so much.

I do not believe this takes away from what you can give others. The bible talks about being able to comfort others with the comfort we have been given, and I really do believe it is vital to really learn to believe the truth of what God says about ourselves, even when at times things can seem so different, and that from this we really will see all things turn to good, as we become stronger and stronger and reflect Him more and more each day, whatever is going on around us.

Sorry for going on so much on your diary am I hope you don't mind, but I do really believe that you have so much significance and really wanted to share my thoughts and hope that is ok.

God bless
Helen

 

[RussH]

Helen, please feel free to post in my diary anytime. I really appreciate you thoughts and support. I promise I will begin a search for significance. You are a blesssing
Russ

 

[RussH]

Friday morning: My Step- Father-in-Law of eleven years passed away at the age of 95 this past Sunday. He lived a good life, and was loved by his family. My wife and I went down for the funeral so I was off work for a couple of days. I returned back to work yesterday.

The important thing about my return to work; the first time since my last flashback, I finally felt normal at work. It has been almost a month since the flashback, and I have been having a difficult time being at work. If felt good to feel normal, but at the same time I now realize that my normal is not good enough. I have to get to a new, postive, normal.

I in an earlier post I wrote about not feeling significant (Thank you again Helen for your comments), and that is my present reality. If you ask me what I feel, the answer is nothing. I have no sense of self-value. However, I now Know that this is ultimately is not healthy. So my focus this week is on discovering significantance. I am not sure where to start looking for it, or how to aquire it. It would be nice if you could just go to the store and order a pound of significance, but it is just not that easy.

My therapist asked me to pay attention to what I think about this week; in regards to my PTSD, and tell her at our next session, so this will be the topic.

It will be hard because I have thought of this as one of my strengths; to not place value on myself, while valuing others, and I still think of this as a stength. However, I now realize I need to value myself as well. The job at hand will be to find the ability to value myself, while at the same time being able to value others more than myself. You may ask why I want to value others more than myself, and the answer may be a part of my PTSD; I just don't know, but I want to live my life helping and serving others by placing their legitimate needs above my own. I think this is my way of loving others, but I also have to ask if this is my way of not loving myself?

I guess that is a question I will have to find the answer to.

 

[HelenB]

So glad to hear you were able to return to work in a better place than you have been and really hope that the funeral was a good time to celebrate his life and that peace could be found for all involved.

I am also glad to hear you are going to work on your own self value, and really do believe this is so vital as I said before.

I have been thinking of you a lot and wanted to share an attachment of 'The Fathers love letter' which have found very helpful for myself - particularly as everything is specifically backed up by scripture, which makes it even more powerful. There is also a website where you can watch it as a video or listen to it online, but for some reason I was not able to post a reply with a link in it. I hope you also find it helpful and really can discover just how much worth you do have.

God bless
Helen

 

[RussH]

Thank you Helen; I do not have time to read it now, but I will read it later when I get home from work.