If The Story Of My Life Helps Others, Then Let The Story Be Told

[RussH]

I ordered a pair of boots today. That, in itself is no that big of a deal, but to me it means something. One of the things I remember when I was getting bullied was dressing out for PE. When I finished the PE class I went back into the dressing room to get back in my street clothes. I happened to notice that some of the other boys had filled the bottom of my boot with spit. It was a contributing factor to one of the greatest pains that caused my PTSD.

I did continue to wear boots for a time, but I have not owned a pair for thirty years: until today. I have been remembering the things of my past as a way of resolving the past, and puting it behind me once for all, and I remembered the incident of my boots. So I decided to buy a pair of Stetson hand burnished fincini (sp) cowboy boots.

These boots are a way of retaking my life from the people who stole it from me. The boots I purchased do not have a miralce pill to heal my hurts, but they are a way of saying to the world "you will not rob me of my life, or my dignity any more. I am taking it back, and I am doing it with style." So, when the boots come in I will copy a picture and change my profile picture so you can see my taking the next step to healing.

 

[RussH]

Monday: I planned on having something significant to write today, because I would be seeing my therapist. However she had to cancel because of health issues, so we have rescheduled for Wednesday.

I do want to say how much I appreciate the support all of you have given me, and how incrediblilty proud I am of @Snowwhite, and the big step she made this week. It is so good to see others on the road to healing.

Well, I will plan on posting on Wednesday if there is anything of note to write.

 

[Hopp]

I have been reading your diary now RussH, everything I had missed. I specillay noted that sense of feeling insignificant. I feel the same way and have been thinking, or feeling, that´s OK. My reason was also for being a christian. But the last couple of years I have learnt that is not the reson, at least not for me. God wanst me to feel loved and special. It is the traumas that have made this feeling in me. How about you?

 

[RussH]

@Hopp I am the say way. I felt, and told my therapist that I felt this feeling of being insignificant, well not mattering at all, was a strength. While I recognize that it stems from my abuse; it allows me to prefer others to myself, and thus demonstrate the love of Christ to them. However I now know that I am missing half of the equation. @HelenB reminded me that we are to love others as we love ourselves.

I have come to realize that I have to find within me a sense of self importance without sacrificing the ability to place the needs of others ahead of my own. I am not sure how I will rediscover this, but I think it is a necessary part of my healing. As I learn more about this I will share it here, and hopefully it will help others, friends like you. Thank you for your friendship.

 

[RussH]

Tomorrow I go back to my therapist. I know for many it is appointment with fear and trepeditation, but I actually look forward to it. I see is as one more step toward recovery.

I guess I am more fortunate than many here on the forum. My PTSD is not an everyday thing. I don't frequently get triggered into a flashback, so I don't suffer as some, but still is is always in the back of my mind. My everyday issues are the other long-term effects of bullying. I have no:
Sense of self worth
have trouble knowing if people actually like me as a friend.
fear of crowds
self-imposed loner
fear of failure
expect myself to be perfect, at least in my job.

These are the things that are my constant companions. I find it so frustrating to be at work and not know if my co-workers actually like me as a friend. it is hard to know that I am without value, at least to me. How can someone go through life with no sense of significance, and think it is normal? How does one develop a sense of self worth, when it is non- existent?
It is these things I need to deal with in therapy. Ibelieve I will conquer PTSD, and will put my emotional flashbacks to rest, however it is some of the other things; the bigger things I have to deal with that I just don't know how, or if I will conquer them.

I will work on these things, and perhaps I will actually get to know the person I am suppose to be. I hope so.

 

[RussH]

I went to my therapist today. The session was not especially emotional, but I now find myself feeling wrung out. I am just really, really tired. I don't know if my being tired is related to the session, but the timing is convenient.

Oh well, I guess I will sit here and rest for a few minute, and then get back to doing some work.

 

[RussH]

Avoidance: It is a long-term effect of emotional trauma, but does that mean it is not a good thing? I recently went to participate in an activity that triggered an emotional flashback, and now I am giving serious thought to not ever participating in that activity again; frankly the thought of it scares me. I am afraid to put myself back in that position. So this has got me to thinking of other areas I have consciously, or unconsciously practiced avoidance?

My first throught was a co-worker. This is a person that is a bully, and has a bully personalitty. Shortly after they started work, they started doing little things toward me that I considered the beginning stages of bullying. I put an end to it, or so I thought. The next thing I knew this person had written a letter of lies about me to the management, which caused punative action to be taken against me.( I have since been exonorated, and this other person is in trouble for bullying others)

I have, since that time, actively tried to limit any contact with him that I can. So as I started thinking about this avoidance issue; I realized that I am using this avoidance mechanism with this person.(I don't plan on changing)

I also know there are times I have not done something like go to a concert, and didn't really understand why I was hesitant to go, because I like music, but I don't like crowds, so I do things to avoid them. And I can remember other times where I have avoided people or situations because of my past, so now I am asking myself, and others, is avoidance a bad thing? or a good thing, or is it truly situational?

I personally think, for me, it is situational. I should recoginize that my avoiding crowds is keeping me from enjoying a concert, or other events with my wife and family, so I should recognize what is happening and make the decision to go and enjoy myself. On the other hand when it comes to things like what happened at work, maybe avoidance is a good thing.

As for the co-worker; just because you decide you like snakes, doesn't mean you want to get close enough to be bitten.

So I am still not sure about this avoidance issue. I think I will bring it up with my therapist.

 

[Hopp]

I think that is a good way to describe it: it is due to the situation.

 

[HelenB]

I would agree that it depends on the situation. Not putting yourself in situations which will hurt you again is sensible but avoiding things which are not harmful because they bring up past emotions through association when it makes you miss out on the life you have now is very different, and I would think suggests that those emotions still need to come up and be dealt with, so that they can be released and you can be free to live and enjoy each moment you are in with nothing to hold you back, which Is what i believe you deserve.

Helen

 

[RussH]

Hi Helen,
Thank you for your reply. The situation at work actually triggered my rejection trigger, and it cascaded into a full blown reliving the emotional pain I suffered long ago. I certainly think that long-buried pain came out, but it does leave me afraid to place myself in the same situation, and possibly trigger another response.

I really, really don' t want to relive that again. It really knocked me for a loop. I will be talking with my therapist at my next session about this, and see what we can do about it.

If I don't hear from you, or otherwise communicate with you before thanksgiving; have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

 

[RussH]

My new boots came today.It's funny because I know they are just an inanimate object, but I feel a certain amount impowerment when I put them on. I really feel like it is a step in taking back a part of me that has been missing for a long, long time.

Perhaps some would think it is silly to put such stock in something like a pair of boots. but my most painful memory is tied to a pair of boots, and this is my way of saying to this memory will "you will not hurt me any more".

Now, to put on my new boots and walk out this truth. Sorry couldn't resist the pun.:)

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Wow, you are fighting really hard, RussH. Good for you!

It's funny how something like a new pair of boots can improve how we feel about ourselves, isn't it? But I can definitely relate and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. I'm so proud of you for buying those boots, because you did something for you and you deserve that. And isn't it a great thing that in spite of all you've been through, you can still find joy in things like this?

Your message and your pun brought a smile to my face :)

A big virtual hug for you!