If The Story Of My Life Helps Others, Then Let The Story Be Told

[Hopp]

I recognize a lot that you write. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone with these feelings.

 

[RussH]

@Hopp I know that an inability to read social clues is one of the long-term effects of emotional trauma, and I suspect this is what I am experiencing.

 

[HelenB]

I know that low self image, or not liking one's self is a long-term effect of being emotionally abused as I was, but does that knowledge make it any less real? Any less true? How can I expect others to think of me as a friend, when I cannot honestly think of myself this way?

I don't know if this will help you, but one thing I realised recently is that there is a difference between my reality and the Truth. Your reality is that you are not likeable, but the truth is that you are made in God's image and fearfully and wonderfully made and I am sure there are a lot of people who would class you as a friend even though you do not feel yourself that you could be worthy of it, and how you see yourself does not change that.

I know for myself that I had been married to my husband for ten years before I actually believed that he loved me (and now I think its just because he is stupid!). That does not change the fact that he did love me and always had, it is just that my perception and reality were pretty messed up because of the things I had experienced.

I am sorry that you find it so hard to like yourself and am praying you really can begin to see the value and worth God places in you, because you really are precious and honoured in His sight, and I am sure that you are a blessing to many others too.

God bless
Helen

 

[RussH]

@HelenB Thank you for you words, and ironically I know that I do things that are likeable, and on my logical side I can see where I am likeable, but it is my illogical side that keeps me guessing, or second guessing what others thing about me. I guess part of it is; if I ever meet someone for coffee, it's because I call them. I never get calls from anyone asking if I want to meet for coffee. I will learn some of my friends will get together, and somehow I always seem to be forgotten. It just seems no one ever thinks I might like to be included, and that really gets old.

I also realize it sounds like I am being a bit of a cry baby about this, but sometimes I get tired of the one trying to reafirm others, but never getting reafirmed by them.

Fortunately I know my wife loves me and considers me her best friend,and for that I am greatly grateful. It would just be nice is someone else would occasionally do something that shows me they value me. Does that make any sense?

 

[Hopp]

It does make sense! I´ve been thinkiing about somethining for myself that you also might have some help of. I think that one part of those lost social skills are that I (and you?) give some uncertain signs to the enviroment. They might feel uncertain about asking you for coming along because they feel you really don´t care. When somenone got hurt so many times around people you hide inside, you don´t dare to show yourself.:bag: It is very effective: people will actually have a hard time findning that person. No wonder they don´t ask...

My English is not so good so if this turnes out a bit harsh that might be the reason. Please ask me to rewrite then.

 

[RussH]

Yup. I am. As you read, try to notice the emotional states that he goes through from start to finish. It can be a very sustaining example for us.

I have started reading them, and plan on studying them for the next month or so: Thank you.

 

[RussH]

Yesterday was an interesting day. I am not sure what is going on; if it fear, or something else. I was at work, and for the most part the effects of my last flashback are over; well there are still some residual feelings, but for the most part I have stabilized. And that is why yesterday surprised me.

I found myself, almost fantasizin g about my co-workers, sometime in the future, ridiculing, or otherwise bullying me, and just the thought of it brought on the pain I am so familar with. This is not something I want to happen, and don't really expect it to happen, but I think there is an underlying fear of it happening.

Is it because I have disclosed my past to my supervisors, and now I and transfering my fear of betrayal to my co-workers? I do think there is a part of me that is waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I also think it could be simply because I was recently triggered at work, and now I am expecting it to happen, so when it doesn't happen I start imaging it happening. Man this sure gets complicated. I wish I could just go to work, do my job, feel like my co-workers accept me for who I am, and not worry about this garbage. As I sit here and think about this; I am pretty sure this is the reason; I am working with my protective guards up, and being viligant about my surroundings to keep myself from being surprised. And as a result of this hyper-viligance I start imaging dangers that are not there. Well, just another item to add to my growing list of things to talk with my therapist about.

 

[Hopp]

A thought that I have had myself that I want to share with you. When you start dealing with the garbage you bring it up to the surface. Then the protective parts of you start working as mad! Then it is easier for you to get to know how you always been trying to protect yourself. Sometimes it might have been selfpunichment; just to be certain that you won't believe someone to be good to you. If you would think that someone could be nice to you, you might get hurt. So one part of you needs to protect you for enjoying when people are nice to you. Did you understand?

 

[HelenB]

I know that I do things that are likeable, and on my logical side I can see where I am likeable, but it is my illogical side that keeps me guessing, or second guessing what others thing about me.

I don't think it is illogical or that you are being a cry baby when you are real about your feelings. Experience teaches us so much about ourselves and I really believe this is where so much ongoing damage gets done, as it is totally locical when we are treated bably by others to put things on ourselves and begin to question ourselves.

I notice that you say that you know you DO things which are likeable and that logically you can see where you are, but really believe this is beyond that and is about realising that your worth is because of who you are and not what you do. When you have been treated so badly, belief in your own self worth is evidently going to be damaged and this in turn will effect how we relate to others and expect them to behave and think and feel about us and will cause so many problems. I really believe that when you can really have assurance in your worth because of who you are, it will really help in this, and am praying you can develop some close friendships within your work situation, where you really can be confident enough in who you are to be able to persure and develop these to the full and both be blessed through them and also be a blessing to others.

God Bless
Helen

 

[RussH]

@HelenB thank you for your encouragement. It is good to know that this thought process is a result of my trauma, and not just me being foolish. At least with this knowledge I can see an end to this thinking.

 

[RussH]

@Hopp I think you are right. I think it is somewhat of a defense mechanism. If I downplay the possibility that they might actually like me, then I will not be disappointed if I learn they do not.

 

[RussH]

Today I had another session with my therapist. I discussed my avoidance issues, and the fact they are fear driven; fear that I will get triggered again, and I really don't want to go through another flashback like the one I am still recovering from. I also talked to her about this fear at work of waiting for the other shoe to drop, and someone doing something that triggers me.

We are working on resolving the issues that cause me pain, and thereby relieve the fear. I am not there yet.

I had something in therapy that I am still processing. It was good, but at the same time a little disturbing. When I was in a full blown flashback at work it was very obvious to my co-workers that something was greatly wrong. The supervisor, a male, and a really good guy came up to me at the end of the day, and put his arm around my shoulders. He said "you look like you need a hug" and he was right I really, really did need a hug. I was hurting so bad, and so emotionally distraught that I desperately needed a hug. Well today in therapy the therapist had me focus on some of the things that caused my injury. As I was doing that I saw, in my mind, this supervisor coming in and putting his arm around my shoulders and comforting me; telling me I would be ok. Although he did not say it, I sensed he was there to protect me from those who had been hurting me.

I am both comforted and confused. I am not sure what my mind is trying to put together to resolve these issues, but I certainly think my mind is doing something to help me feel safe and protected. I am guessing that my mind is melding, no I am not a vulcan, the old memory of being traumatized with this new memory of being comforted in an attempt to resolve the pain, but I am just not sure how this in going to play out in my mind. My relationship with this supervisor is professional, friendly, but professional, and I don't forsee any change in that, so what is my mind trying to do?

I am sorry if this is rambling, but it is a rather confusing to me as I sort out my feelings with the past and the present. And again it scares me that I am looking, in my mind, to this person for protection and comfort. I just don't know what to thing about this.