Sufferer I'm 45 And Was Diagnosed 12 Years Ago.

[Jules22]

I'm here introducing myself. Daunting. This could go on for days, but I'll try to keep it very short.

I have PTSD and I'm going through an episode now. Nobody knows I have this, except my therapist and some Drs. Family, well, I have no relationship with my family. Trauma began with them. So I am very, very alone.

I'm 45 and was diagnosed 12 years ago. I take meds and have had the same therapist for 15 years. Don't even want to talk to her. Nobody understands what is going on with me. I don't want them to. I'm so scared to be judged. I feel like I wear a scarlet letter, whenever anyone finds out. I have friends, at arms length, that I cannot say, "Hey, you'll have to forgive me for hiding like a hermit for three weeks, I have PTSD."

Anyhow, not sure what to say here. I guess just that I'm here looking to see if I can get some support from people with PTSD, without feeling threatened. Trust issues are what I struggle with the most. feeling like I can't move. Crying a lot.

Thanks for listening. ~jules

 

[Pietro]

Well, I guess I could have written almost all of your post to describe myself (except I'm 46). :) Everything you've described is normal in the PTSD world.

My opinion about therapists: many are not very good, and even more do not understand trauma therapy -- it's a specialty. Most therapy techniques are far too superficial to provide long-term healing and relief for those with deep or severe traumatic experiences. I've been with 7 therapists over 15 years -- 4 in the last year alone. My current therapist is the only one who "gets it". It took a lot of research for me to even know what I needed.

Also, I don't stay with one therapist for too long. The relationship gets stale. You get to know each other too well. 15 years is way, way too long. You get too comfortable with each other. You go in every week and the two of you probably engage in a very familiar routine that's become comfortable for both of you. Trauma resolution is not really about *comfort*. ;) (Although it shouldn't be so bad that you get re-traumatized, either!)

All of this is to say that, if you don't think your therapist understands you, especially after all of this time, find a new one -- especially if you're in a major metropolitan area where there are millions of them.

Regarding the "hiding like a hermit" part, I'm going through a lot of that, right now. I've come to accept that I may lose friends over this, but that's part of the process, unfortunately. But, ultimately, it's not my fault -- or yours. Neither of us "chose" to have PTSD, or to get treated in the ways we did that gave us the PTSD. We were attacked, abused, and shamed by our adult caregivers who we trusted to protect and love us. And now we carry forward that shame and feel that everyone views us the same way. But it's not true. It takes enormous strength and courage to fight the kinds of demons that cause PTSD. Many won't or can't understand this, because they haven't experienced it personally or knowing someone else.

So, some may fall away -- but some may not. And, once you've moved along in recovery, you'll find that socializing is actually a whole lot easier than it is now. I know you don't believe this, right now, but it's true. :)

I could go on and on corroborating your feelings regarding trust, paralysis, anxiety -- and crying. It's all the same for me, and, I suspect, many others on this forum. As you read through the posts, you'll see what I mean. I really hope you find some comfort here. :)

 

[Jules22]

Thank you. I sorry I can barely type. But this looks like a place that might be right for me. I'm reading posts, but if I don't answer right away, don't give up. Even typing is difficult today. Good luck for a good night to you. :)

 

[p-no]

Welcome to the forum, Jules.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Jules,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

One of the best things about this site is realizing you are no longer alone and among people that really understand what you are going through. This site is full of information and the support of the members is amazing as you work on healing.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[Phenioxrising]

Welcome, Ask yourself if you trust in yourself.
Also jugde their body language to see your point of view on their behavior.

 

[safenow]

Hi Jules,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. You are in a place where everyone understands, since we all either have PTSD or support those who do. There is alot of good information here. Take your time and look around.

I personally suffer with PTSD from multiple traumas, starting in my youth. It really sucks, but it will get better.

After hearing about how long you've been with your therapist, I recommend you find a new one who specializes in trauma therapy. The new techniques over the past 15 years will astound you. You can get to a point where you no longer need a therapist unless you have a new trauma in just a couple of years. It's rather like moving from a telephone with cord attached to the wall to a smart phone.

Nice to meet you.

 

[Jlso111187]

Welcome Jules,

Taking the big step to talk to others is hard, I am proud of you. Keep it up.

 

[ms spock]

My opinion about therapists: many are not very good, and even more do not understand trauma therapy -- it's a specialty. Most therapy techniques are far too superficial to provide long-term healing and relief for those with deep or severe traumatic experiences.

There are a lot of bad therapists out there. Unfortunately I have had more than my fair share. A psychriatrist who has some trauma experience could make such a big difference to your life.

I relate to your post a lot. I have done the things you are doing crying, isolating, have no close friends, no family connection, trust being a big issue, being at arms length from everyone and having a pretty ordinary therapist.

Welcome to the Forum. All the best.

 

[Jlso111187]

I quit therapy along time ago because I couldnt find a therapist who I could open up to. One of mind had the nerve to tell me that because I had taken drugs and passed out with my boyfriend in my room that I was inviting him to take it from me. Real nice blame the victim. I understand that had I made better choices the end result may have been different but with all the things reguarding that man I dont think me being sober would have made any difference. So I understand completly on the therapy.

 

[WillyKat]

Hi Jules and welcome. You don't have to feel alone here and don't have to feel alone forever. We all feel that sometimes, which is why we're here, why I'm here.

In one of my early sessions with my therapist, that I've been seeing for about six months now, I spoke to her about finding a tribe, about finding people that I could feel comfortable with, that cared for me and knew how to be supportive. The only place I've found those people is here.

I hope you will too.