I'm a horrible human being...

[SeekingAfrica]

I feel like a car crash, I really do.

Every time I feel I'm starting to get a little better, something happens. In the summer I had started pulling myself up, paying debts but also starting to eat healthy, exercise, socialize, contribute... I was starting to pull forward. And then I had a depression spell. I had to travel home to my parents, major trigger on all counts, so I got a little distracted. Then there was being scared of being evicted, bigger distraction. Now that the shock of that being delayed is wearing off, it's like I'm back in the depression.

I hate the deadline I'm finishing, my apartment is getting messier daily, and I'm pretty sure I'm headed for a late deadline. I hate the job (lately, for the last 6 months or a year), but it's the only stable thing I have right now. Need the income. And once the aftershocks of dealing with telling my family about my almost attempt wore off, and then the shock of almost being evicted- now all the feelings I had before that (mid-aug-sept) are coming back with vengeance.

I have 2-2.5 days to pull of a deadline which at depressed state would take me longer, yet again.
And all the stuff that were coming up before when I was feeling depressed, are all back and screaming for attention. Like my life is a carcrash and I don't know where to begin.
And I know there are people that care about me, but who are all struggling in their own fights this year, for one reason or another. Tumor, multiple jobs, deaths around them. It's a lot. And here I am. No one is dead, but I feel like I need help and dp not have the capacity to save myself, but everyone really needs me to because they are barely carrying their own weight.
So I have to meet this deadline, I have to chase my financial and career goals, so that I can straighten the things that are straight forward. So there will be less mess around me. Everyone needs me to be better. I thought I was for a moment, I really did.

I don't want to be evicted and so that has to be a priority.
But I do have to move to a cheaper place, find a different job, and get therapy,. There is so much to do that I hate that I have to add a health element to it. Like I can't just be pushing a deadline because I need to have a job to pay rent, I must also be this mess that needs therapy.... it's a lot, and I've used every resource I have, and I was getting better and the system broke again along the way.
Definitely not as bad as in the spring, but definitely not great. Everything is so broken and I was the one that made the choices that eventually got me here. There is so much guilt and pain and mess. I don't even know how to begin.

I'm trying to keep doing tiny bits of the deadline in a sequence with small breaks so I don't panic.
Still feeling like a carcrash though and it scares me. I know there is a logic that can get me to fix that, that I've been in worse places and got through but I'm still scared.

 

[littleoc]

I would be scared too. There's a lot to be scared about.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It's good that you were better for a moment -- you'll get back there. Now you've learned enough to know how, even if it takes a few tries.

I would recommend writing your tasks as goals to accomplish. Getting a new job is stressful, as is moving, as is getting a therapist.

Some therapy offices also gift you a case manager. I would look into that for the extra support and potential resources. It may help lighten the load. Up to you

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I would recommend writing your tasks as goals to accomplish.

I already started breaking down goals in the Life Coach forum but sort of stopped when I got overwhelmed again. I will try again, I just need to find how to keep my anxiety for overtaking everything.

I realized it's only Thursday and it feels like I've already given up a zillion times so I will try to get a hang on that.

Some therapy offices also gift you a case manager.

Never heard of that in my country unfortunately. I can look for resources myself, but I don't even know what I need, which makes this that much harder, not knowing where to begin...

Up to you

So you don't think I'm an awful person, just scared/overwhelmed?

 

[abovedown]

Having a setback in your recovery does not make you a horrible person, it makes you a human. So sorry you are going through this right now! Do you have a Dr or someone you trust you could talk about that you are having a hard time?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Do you have a Dr or someone you trust you could talk about that you are having a hard time?

Not really. My closest friends are going through impossible trials (death in the family, war, miscarriage, cancer- those are not just examples but actual things separate friends are going through at this moment) and I'm too broke for therapy. Insurance only covers physical stuff. I have a prescription for anxiety/depression and I think without it I would have broken by this point, but I know I need more. Family is helping slightly financially, but that barely makes a dent in anything. They can't be relied for emotional support, I tried for years, including very recently.

Like, I need to be strong for my friends right now. Since I'm in my own crash and burn bubble, I need to take care of me- so eventually I'm better for them. I think wr are all at that mutual understanding right now- that we all need to go through out thing and just be there in a sense of saying we love each other and sending positive thoughts but not much more.

Having a setback makes it sound like it's one thing to manage.
It feels more like a natural disaster that has taken over everything and I have made so many mistakes I can't even track that far back to fix things.

 

[littleoc]

So you don't think I'm an awful person, just scared/overwhelmed?

No. I think the people out there causing trauma are as awful, though.

I'm sorry you don't feel like you can share your inner turmoil with anyone right now. I'm glad you're here to do it.

 

[Dynamic]

I know you’ve been going through it and it’s difficult to read longer messages right now for me but I know you are not an awful person

 

[SeekingAfrica]

it’s difficult to read longer messages right now for me

I'm sorry you're going through it right now as well. I understand completely.

 

[squeedle]

These are some tools I've learned to use to cope with a traumatized life. I hope there's something here that will help even just a little.

Breathe. Right now, I mean it. Deep breaths with the intent to relax can truly help. Repeat as often as necessary. And do other things to help stay calm. Exercise, play a video game, do something you're good at to prove that you do have some control in your life. Keep breaking up the anxiety with a few minutes of something/ anything else.

You had a period where things were working well. Don't forget that!! It means that you are capable (and worthy) of being in that place. Recovery is a process: 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Over and over; but you learn more each time. I tend to get more panicked when I backslide after a good period. I get depressed too because it's so disappointing to think I finally got it all together and then to have to accept that there's more to work on. Try to not compare now with then. Trust that you have the tools inside to get you back there. It will take time, but now you know you can do it, even if it doesn't feel even remotely possible at times .

Show yourself a lot of compassion. You're not a horrible person, but a caring, beautiful person going through more than anybody should have to go through. Ever! Recognize your courage! How do you feel about your friends and family going through their extreme difficulties? Are they horrible people because they are struggling and can't help you right now? I'll bet you think of them as strong, courageous people who just don't have much to give right now just like you can't fully be there for them. That is the compassion you need to give yourself. Mentally hug and hold yourself until you feel better. Mentally hold them with love too, if you want.

Do as much self-care as possible. Give yourself moments (or longer periods of time!) to show yourself some love. You're struggling horribly right now. Wear your favorite clothes. Allow yourself a favorite food- not because you're desperate to feel better, but because you feel compassionate towards yourself and want to put a smile on your face. Take a moment and list some things that make you smile and try to do some of them.

Break things down. Even just looking up a phone number, for instance, is a step forward.
Do a few steps for each goal every day (if possible). Be very flexible on this, but making headway on all fronts can remove the panic of neglecting some areas to focus on only one.

Acknowledge that you are trying to make it all work out. That's courage!

Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Life is a struggle. Add trauma, and the struggles go up exponentially. You're doing fine! You're doing Great!!

There it is: breathe, self-compassion, self-care, baby steps.

(You probably know and do this stuff already, It's just a gentle reminder sent with my best wishes!!)

You will work it out. You did before!! I/we believe in you!

 

[Ecdysis]

I've been meaning to reply for days but have been mired in my own issues.

As you know, your situation has resonated with me a lot because I was in a very similar housing and finances crisis in March - April - May. Thankfully it's stabilised and partly resolved, even tho it's not fully resolved yet.

For me, it's been very helpful to observe your journey with this crisis, because when I was going through it myself I was hyper-emotional and totally overwhelmed and couldn't process it at all. I was constantly dysregulated, catastrophising, in meltdown and utterly self-blaming.

While I made some mistakes, at the time, they were all decisions and choices where I had made the best choices to my ability/ knowledge at the time and didn't realise that they might potentially screw up my whole life.

In fact, I've made countless similar decisions and choices, where things either turned out fine, or if there were mistakes, they were fixable.

I think the total over the top self-blaming we do is similar to when we question traumatic events and if we somehow "caused" it or if we'd done anything different it wouldn't have happened (like taking a different street, going home earlier, noticing a red flag, whatever).

But while it's understandable our brain searches for some kind of "reason" and some identitfiable obvious mistake that we can then avoid in future, usually there's nothing real that falls into that category.

So, observing your journey with this crisis has been very helpful for me, because I can see it emotionally neutrally and I don't blame you AT ALL - even if you might have made some normal life mistakes - I don't think of you as an awful human being at all - even though I felt that way about myself during my crisis totally.

Observing your crisis has allowed me to more calmly and rationally process the issues of mental health/ times of illness/ work/ need to make money/ housing and how they intersect and combine.

It's helping me to view that combination of issues more realistically and rationally.

I can see that I'm going to need to radically down-size my belongings and furniture and make my life much more adapted to the uncertainty of an illness and disability that is utterly unpredictable and that can make my income equally unpredictable. I'm going to need to plan for those things - both the good times and the bad.

I was watching something about personal finances and poverty recently and the two biggest recommendations were a) getting out of debt and staying out of debt, wherever possible and b) starting a savings plan with the aim of building up a buffer of 6 months worth of bare minimum finances, so that you could tide over 6 months of emergency situations, if you needed to. It will take me a long time to work towards that, but it is a tangible and sensible goal that I feel that I can work towards.

I hope that once you've come out of the acute phase of this crisis, you'll aso be able to go through that process more calmly and productively and be able to set up a plan that will give you more security in future.

As for your current freelance job crisis - I have a couple of suggestions that might be helpful... As I don't struggle with issues of substance abuse at all, for me alcohol is an option in times of crisis. Back before people had PRN / emergency medication, alcohol was always the thing they used in times of overwhelm and meltdown. I do find it helps because it shuts down the fear and overwhelm centres of the brain. Having said that, obviously it's a potentially addictive substance and also has a slightly depressant effect, so should be used with caution, especially depending on individiual circumstances.

I've also told you before that we're in the same line of freelance work... When I'm in an emergency with a contract job, I will cheat if I have to to get it done. For example, I'll use DeepL or Google Translate to provide a draft version - and given that both have improved MASSIVELY over the years, it's often mind-boggling how good the results are and that only minimal editing is required by an expert. Since Chat GTP now exisits an is of an equally high standard, that's also an option. Also, I give myself permission for my quality of work to be lower when I'm going through a mental health crisis. I'm very fussy about the quality of my work and generally try to give 110% for each contract, but when I'm ill, I will settle fo 80% quality. And to be honest, the clients have never noticed.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Show yourself a lot of compassion. You're not a horrible person, but a caring, beautiful person going through more than anybody should have to go through. Ever!

Thank you so much, words mean a whole lot right now! I guess they are my lifeline right now.

but making headway on all fronts can remove the panic of neglecting some areas to focus on only one.

Wish that was possible. Hopefully after this deadline I'm having it will be. Honestly my goals kind of reflect how messy my life is right now. Need to do something about that.

Acknowledge that you are trying to make it all work out. That's courage!

Thank you, but I am afraid if that won't be enough.

You will work it out. You did before!! I/we believe in you!

I hope so. It feels like I'm failing all the time.

I was constantly dysregulated, catastrophising, in meltdown and utterly self-blaming.

It's like you're describing me.

and didn't realise that they might potentially screw up my whole life.

Oh GOD, did you actually make really potentially screw your life mistakes? How much more afraid should I be, cause I think I'm maxed out right now...

So, observing your journey with this crisis has been very helpful for me, because I can see it emotionally neutrally and I don't blame you AT ALL

Well, glad it's helpful to someone at least....

I was watching something about personal finances and poverty recently and the two biggest recommendations were a) getting out of debt and staying out of debt, wherever possible and b) starting a savings plan with the aim of building up a buffer of 6 months worth of bare minimum finances, so that you could tide over 6 months of emergency situations, if you needed to. It will take me a long time to work towards that, but it is a tangible and sensible goal that I feel that I can work towards.

That used to be my knowledge/goal, right before I lost work and got broke up with 5 year relationship whilst in another country. And yes, I did already have PTSD at the time. Then I feel into super deep depression and anxiety and inability to work for 3 years and ever since then I've been trying to fix my financial state. But every time I think I'm getting a hand of it, it all crumbles around me again. I think my cumulative financial history will make me want to throw up and never stop.

I hope that once you've come out of the acute phase of this crisis, you'll aso be able to go through that process more calmly and productively and be able to set up a plan that will give you more security in future.

It's evening and there is something that makes anxiety worse then (maybe in the morning there's more potential?) and I am so horribly afraid that I won't come out of the acute state. I'm down to little food, which is a trigger, 0 cash, which is worse trigger and must finish this deadline over the weekend/by the end of it. None of it will really solve my finances though, just save me for the moment. Still my budget has no extra space for even therapy which I clearly need... I need to start a side gig and right now I feel like a carcrash/house on fire which is not great for starting things. It's like I'm at some edge. On one side is finding strength to fight like hell to get out of this hole, disregarding all the years and falls I had so far and blindly trusting myself... and on the other is falling apart, giving up on myself, living with my parents and giving up a life I spend more than a decade building. I feel like I'll be in a hospital before I figure this thing out. I feel I've been lucky a lot and that is running out, and my strength is running out, but my stubbornness is not. And I just ... don't know how to have strength to survive this.

Back before people had PRN / emergency medication, alcohol was always the thing they used in times of overwhelm and meltdown.

I actually have no alcohol issues but also none in my place as I at most have gotten a drink here and there like 2ce this year out of home. At someone's party or something. But no finances so, none factor. I do have emergency medication, but I've had so much emergency lately I don't think it's working anymore, and I don't want to get addicted so I'm cautious.

When I'm in an emergency with a contract job, I will cheat if I have to to get it done

Good point. Just the idea of work is making me nauseous right now, must handle it somehow.

 

[Mach123]

I’ve been reading your stuff for years and you aren’t a horrible person. I wish you could get some help though. I’m in the states and I have to say I have gotten a lot of help. But I took advantage of it I hope and I tried to work hard at it out of gratitude . I feel bad if people who need help can’t get it . I hope you feel better .