General I'm Broken Completely And Need Me Help

[Becksknox]

So my ex fiancé, who needs space but is still daily in my life by his choice has me in such a roller coaster that I can't seem to get off of.
Each day I will think this is it, I'm done, I'm not responding, then he calls or texts and I get excited like a kid on Christmas morning. I was ok thru this for about 2 weeks and coming out of my shell. I just moved 1000 miles away from my friends and family bc he and I were starting our life here and we would be a "family" and all would "perfect and great".
Now here I am with social anxiety and GAD, and don't even know how to begin to make friends on my own, though I have made a few at the pool but they are all 10 older than me and we mostly just see eachother at the pool. If I know they aren't there, I can't even bring myself to go.
So here I am knowing really no one but him and never knowing how he will be on any given day. Mostly waiting to see if he will text me, bc I know if he texts he's thinking of me.

So here I am, and I feel like this has taken over my life. I read posts on here and research as much as I can online. I have lost me. I've been taken to the ER over a breakdown I had from this. At this point my depression is so deep I can sleep an entire day then get up for a few hours, read and back to sleep. There's things I want to do, but too afraid to do alone. It's like my bed is my only safe place. But if he texts or calls I'm on cloud 9.

How do I fix me? How do I make me better? Keeping in mind it's hard for me to get out and meet people and have severe anxiety. I love this man unconditionally and its ruling my life. I feel he's the only happiness I have, but at the end of the day, I don't think it's true happiness. I pray for him to get through this stage. I feel like I am being used by him now. I cry a lot and I am without any support.

Someone please help me. How do I break these chains from him? I feel like all I do is drink to numb the pain now.

He asked me to dinner last night, then stayed overnight. Today, nothing from him. He breaks me down more and more every day.

 

[Lilmssunshine]

I'm sorry your going through this. Have you tried Al anon support groups? And I make a lot of friends in AA. It isn't good to numb your pain. I'm going through what you are and believe me the pain is all too intense sometimes. I'm on anti depressants but not necessarily because of him. For my own mental health. It's hard. But I learned to love mine from a distance. It's been a different kind of easier since mine moved. Though I still miss him. It's a different kind of pain. Now mine is isolating and I'm remembering how I felt when he lived near me. Sometimes love isn't enough. For my sanity I date other people. I have needs that my love cannot and will not meet because he is sick. It hurts. Darn it it hurts bad. But we have to dust ourselves off everyday and tell ourselves we deserve to feel happy. Do something for yourself today. Treat you to your fav snack or go shopping. Be kind to yourself. Good luck. My message box is always open.

 

[Casey_03]

This is co-dependency, and it will destroy you if you let it. Not to be harsh, but it sounds like right now you are letting it destroy you. I don't know your history with your ex fiance, but it sounds extremely unhealthy if your moods/emotions depend entirely on him. I don't think you are being used by him, as you fear, I think this is probably his PTSD. But his PTSD is not even the issue here, your co-dependency is. I don't say this in a preachy manner and I don't mean to sound like I'm scolding you, but I have been in the situation you are in now and I came very close to losing my life over it. It is not worth it. It does sound like you have lost yourself here, and I think you need to get the hell out of the situation you are in -- any way you can. If it is an option to move back to where you were living before, you should consider it. If not, I think the best thing you can do is cut him off completely and build a life without him (because the way you describe it, it sounds like he is a drug and you are addicted to him. addiction never ends well). Also, it sounds like he has blurred your thinking and you just don't see things that clearly --- the only way to start seeing things clearly is to wean yourself off of him. He might be the nicest guy in the world, but he (or how he treats you) is poison for you.

 

[Becksknox]

@Casey_03 Thank you so much. All of what you said is so true. I'm 42 and have never loved this way or been with anyone where I didn't have walls up bc of my own PTSD. He was different from anyone else.

I never thought of it being co-dependent, though I am aware it's unhealthy. My problem is I get up every day with the determination to let him go then he texts and I melt and all determination is gone. I'm too weak to stop. It's making me really hate me.

And thank you for the statement that it may not be using me but the PTSD bc there's no pressure in it for him. He's not the type person to use someone and is actually very giving.

I just can't think how to get past him. I want to meet new people but it's terrifying for me. But as @Lilmssunshine stated, I think I will look into Al Anon and try that.

 

[Becksknox]

And I DO truly want to cut him off but when I have he will always come back. I have asked him to not contact me yet he does. He has told me to never contact him but the. He will. I don't want to hurt him but in the process I am killing me.

 

[Casey_03]

It's good that you recognize that this is killing you. I think Al Anon would be immensely helpful. Co-dependency is really no different from drug addiction, it is incredibly difficult to break and you will need lots of support. We are here for you, and if you ever want to talk, feel free to privately message me! Hang in there.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

And I DO truly want to cut him off but when I have he will always come back.

False boundaries. They give the impression that you've set up boundaries, but in reality, they might as well not even be there. That is, boundaries without consequences are pointless.

 

[joeylittle]

I have asked him to not contact me yet he does

This is going to be so hard for you - but block him. Block him on your phone, block him from facebook (if you use it), block him from your email. It's his issue that he still contacts you - but @itsKismet is right, you have not created a boundary that protects you.

Look at it this way - you can block him, and give yourself permission to reverse it after 2 weeks. But take those two weeks. And better yet, get away from where you're at and try and go somewhere with really bad cell service, to strengthen your resolve, if you think you will need the help in keeping him on block.

I think it's necessary, from what you've written.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You can't love somebody more than you love yourself and your own mental health. ((Hugs))

 

[Becksknox]

@joeylittle You have no idea how bad I want to do that, but as stupid as it sounds, I don't want to upset him and I know that will and I don't want to make him angry bc I don't want it to add to his situation right now.

If you have any insight into that, please let me know, bc I need to hear it I guess to help find the strength.

 

[Friday]

... but as stupid as it sounds, I don't want to upset him and I know that will and I don't want to make him angry bc I don't want it to add to his situation right now.

It doesn't sound stupid. It sounds battered wife.

My suggestion: If he's not your abuser? Don't treat him like one.

For an abuser you have to completely martyr yourself, kill yourself to avoid any kind of negative thing even possibly happening to them. Speaking as a sufferer... If someone ever treated me this way? So terrified of my reactions they were killing themselves? I'd be physically ill. It would break my heart that anyone, much less someone I loved, thought so little of me, and even less of themselves :(

Please take care of yourself.

 

[Becksknox]

Thank you @FridayJones. I'm just worried about his well being if I were to completely shut him out. As a sufferer, can you tell me what your reaction would be?