General I'm Confused

[Marie E.]

I have mainly heard that men with Combat PTSD tend to drift away to isolation and such, but my Fiance is one who doesn't do that. He tends to want to be next to me 24/7 and smothers me a lot of the time. He has a hard time trying to back off.

He has a hard time giving me space and we have been working on this. I've seen a lot of improvement on his behalf. But, when the going gets ruff and he angers me with twisting words, I just need to be alone. Though he knows I will be back, he just has trouble letting me be.

(He has served in Bosnia during the 1995 Bosnian massacre and before that for some years. He has had such tragedy..)

I would like anybody's input who is Combat PTSD.

 

[sisu]

Marie E., My BF was like that at one time. I have known him for 4 years and when we first started dating he was sort of like this. We had constraints so we were not able to be together 24/7 (our own homes, kids schedules, dogs, jobs)
but if we weren't together he was constantly emailing me all day long at work and then calling me after work ~ plus we at lunch together every day during the week. On the weekends when we weren't together (a weekend we each had our kids) he would call 9-10 times a day. If he didn't get a hold of me he would call back every 20-30 minutes until he got me. I felt a little suffocated....this was May 2007-January 2008. We broke up in January 2008 due to a shut down from his ptsd ~ the first one I'd ever seen. He literally dropped off the face of the earth. We didn't talk, text, call - nothing until May 2010.

We were very casual up until September 2010 and only saw each other on occasion. When we did become serious again he still called a lot (8-10 times per day) but he doesn't email much anymore and doesn't text at all. We both have Facebook and he is on there very seldem....he says it's too much stimulation coming at him and he doesn't like it. We only see each other 1-2 times during the week and every other weekend....except during the holiday in which we both had more free time. He is currently on day 8 of a shut down ~ his annual January one apparently and I have not heard a peep from him on the phone since Feb 2 and I got a 6 word email on Feb 4. The only other one I saw was the one in 2008 where we broke up. I have a better understanding of ptsd so I knew what was going on...doesn't make it easier, I just get it now.

He had been diagnosed with ptsd for about 7 years and he has changed in the time that I have known him. He seems more aware of what he is feeling and why he is feeling it. He is okay being alone sometimes where before this wasn't an option for him (I think that his brain worked against him when he was alone before).

I think I am rambling....but my point is, maybe your fiance's brain is too active if he is alone. He likes having you there to focus on so his brain can think about something else. When was he diagnosed??

Anyway ~ this is all hard and confusing. Hugs to you and good luck!

 

[Marie E.]

I believe he got diagnosed 3-4 yrs ago. He tried functioning after 1995 and than got help eventually.

 

[NikkiNikki]

That is how my BF was before this "episode". We were in constant communication. All day long we emailed,texted,facebooked, & talked on the phone. We hardly ever went more than an a couple of hours without talking in some way or another. We spent almost every night with each other. The only time we did not spend the night together is when he had his daughter..which was every other weekend. We smothered each other, but I didn't mind & he enjoyed the closeness as well. So to go from always talking to nothing is pretty hard to get used to..

 

[Jimmy1]

I think I am rambling....but my point is, maybe your fiance's brain is too active if he is alone. He likes having you there to focus on so his brain can think about something else.

You hit the nail on the head Elizabeth.

When I am with Margaret it is like everything goes away and I can truly relax. When I am at home alone, everything goes around my head like someone constantly changing channels.

My mind fights with itself sometimes, I want to be on my own to try and isolate, but when I am there I cannot get the thoughts out of my head.

Sometimes I leave Margaret's, get home, then want to turn around and go back.

I also feel bad when I want her attention all the time. I know she has things to do, but I really don't care at the time.
Then I feel guilty and want to leave so she can do things.

I took Margaret to my therapist last week and my therapist said 'Let Margaret decide on what things are important, she will let you know if you are taking up too much time'.

I can't wait till I move in with her

 

[abnvet]

IMO, those w/ptsd can react differently depending upon their situation in combat and their stressors. Some desire constant contact while others want the opposite and curl up in a ball. I'd say that I've experienced both. Going from first wanting to be totally alone to now wanting companionship. I don't think that I'm too much of either these days and have found a balance to myself and others--

 

[Jimmy1]

I agree mate. My problem is that I still have a deep down fear that she will walk away. I know she won't, but I suppose a learned behaviour is hard to change.

 

[Marie E.]

I agree mate. My problem is that I still have a deep down fear that she will walk away. I know she won't, but I suppose a learned behaviour is hard to change.

That sounds like my Fiance. Btw we are doing much better now! And I don't plan on walking away from him either.

 

[FMG]

We are desperately lonely individuals. We know we push people away but we don't want to. Its a reflex of sorts. We genuinely want company and we want company that understands us. So when we find it we become protective of it.

Things that are natural to other people don't come easily to us either. We think things through too much and we are also paranoid about things which biases a lot of our ideas on what our relations should be like. I once lied to a girl that I was engaged because I was paranoid that she was hitting on me (No, there was nothing there. I felt like a complete berk after that.) I had the same issue with another girl I dated for a bit. It wasn't possessive but I just didn't understand the normal timing between dates (I would try and structure one every 3 or 5 days like clockwork)

 

[wife of]

I'm in the same boat as nikki nikki with this one,having been hubbys carer as well as wife for 15 yrs we have spent our tim 24/7 with each other apart from when persuing our seperate hobbies or for when I was helping look after my sick dad,leading upto his big meltdown hubby told me he wanted a divorce and had been waiting til the kids finished school to tell me so!! I was devastated but knew it wasn't really him talking,hell you should hear the stick he gets from his mates for kissing me when he leaves the house or for holding my hand when we are out,they reckon its not natural for being 20 yrs wed....Since his big flip out he has come back to his normal affectionate self,as indeed he was prior to joining the army , our problem now is the enforced seperation due to him being hospitalised with only one hours visit an one phone call allowed per day,its killing me,its like he's deployed all over again...

 

[Jan-pattern]

This is a really thought-provoking thread to read. Thankyou to all, from both camps, who have posted. It's making sense of some things I hadn't understood before.

Jan

 

[Marie E.]

WifeOf, I'm so sorry to hear the pain you are going through and I hope your hubby gets better!!

This reminds me of the everyday pain my Fiance has with being tortured in camp resulted as.