I'm Fine

[Jimmy1]

When I was first diagnosed they told me to remove the triggers, well I removed everything. Four years down the track all the problems were still there, I was just ignoring them.

It's what we do, rather than find out what is actually triggering us, i.e. fighters, tanks, large crowds, heavily laden vans, etc, we tend to over the top remove everything and isolate ourselves, no half measures and all that does is put a band-aid on the problem as it is still there no matter how long elapses.

I was told by my shrink and I found the solution as being that you have to eliminate things slowly. It's ok to go everything at the start to eliminate the triggers, but you have to revisit it and try and put your finger on the individual problem, then work with it. If after giving it your best shot it doesn't work, then cross it off your list. It's hard work, but nothing good in life is easy. What you end up with is a huge list of activities and places which cause triggers and then you can prepare yourself if you have to go there. i.e. New Years fireworks, I used to take some Xanax before going with the family. Mind you it took nearly six years for me to be able to go.

The biggest thing to remember is baby steps and to actually give it a go. Don't try it once and then cross it off your list. I call it exposure therapy, expose yourself to the problem then assess it and find out the good and bad points with it even discuss it with the therapist.

Our minds are super critical and find it easier just to avoid rather than do the hard work required.

That's just my opinion.

 

[Friday]

I am a collosol f*ckup.

So I broke down: the ONE thing I haven't tried is heading back to the military for help.
So I did that today.
Didn't mean to, but I called the vet center and here I was thinking 3-6mo lead time, and nope. Would tomorrow work, or is next week better? Christ.
And so I get there, and couldn't talk. Because I was in a stupid panic attack. The flavor of being stupid. Most of the time I can function through one. Yay practice. Some I'm nonfunctional holed up screaming or silent. But some, I can walk and talk. I just can't think. My brain just shuts off. Why am I here? I know, let's totally sabotage it and get out as fast as possible. Because it smelled like cigarettes and coffee and cordite and simple green and sweat and cheap carpet 1/800th of an inch high circa back when god was a boy. I swear. It's a new building and I think they reprinted with lead paint. It just smelled exactly like it should.

Worse, I'm a liar & a c*nt.
Which is sooooo super helpful.
Are you suicidal? No.
Well as long as you're not homicidal, then we have to call Steve and warn the guy. Smile & silence. No shit. Never talk about someone you want to kill. I'm not that new.
Are you carrying? Keep weapons at home? I prefer a maglite. Like there's not a custom p226 slot here in my messenger bag, or a glock17gen4 under my seat in the car. Or the shotguns under the bed. Unf*ckingbelievable liar liar liar. But if I tell, then what? They get taken away.
Then he kept popping up questions I managed to deflect (not like I am actually seeking help or anything,here), or only be able to stutter verbs or misleading shrugs..
I think I did somehow, manage to give the impression that I hated the military.

No. I hate myself. I am so bone deep ashamed and embarassed at how I broke myself, and let people down, and got people hurt, and risked others because I was too f*cked up to care. THATS why I never applied for benefits, or the GI Bill, or anything else. THATs why I spent the next 5 years trying to prove to myself I wasn't ducking worthless, or even better, die trying. Ya ya ya puta IS loca, so what? So I could get some f*cking sleep.

Paragon of mental health, me.
But I can't tell him that.
I can't tell him it's my fault, and I'm the f*ckup, and ask for help.
Better to thank him for his time and go throw up in the parking lot.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Yea some things I feel are still best unknown to the wrong people. I f*cked up once and told them I liked to go the range and shoot but quickly dismissed any idea of me having a weapon. Said I would shoot a friends. I used to have guns laying around, now I just keep em ready by the bed. I felt it related to a fear of death the paranoia that some f*cker was going to kick in my door one night and catch me on the shitter. Each time I get in my truck at night I fight off the thought somebodies waiting to nail me through the back window of my vehicle. Now it's just kinda turning into, "Eh, f*ck em' take me out you'd be doing a favor." or "If you beat my ass you better kill me."

If it was one of those shitty nights where I layed around thinking depressed and I touched a weapon I quickly put it away un-loaded and cleared and went to the E.R at the VA the next day.

I refuse to get sucked into anymore isolation from fear of death or funny looks/ intimidation from my ugly tattoo's or spaced out conversations. But I am getting help and seeing little improvements here and there.

It sounds like you are really beating yourself up Friday. And perhaps with some more time you will feel more comfortable answering questions. I want to be clear I mean no disrespect, but maybe you should apply for benefits? Why make it harder on yourself? You earned them. If you get one thing outa this mess don't let it only be the beast.

 

[reddevil1111]

ok so here it is: Is the gun more valuable than your getting better? Your using the weapons as a security blanket. But if your suicidal, homicidal, severely depressed, and lying about all of it just to protect the guns? How does that help YOU?

Take the weapons to someone you can trust. Someone you know will not commit crimes with them or sell them. If you cant- go get a lock box in a bank or a storage unit for them. Just get them away for a while.

Gee, no more reason not to be truthful.

I was heavy into guns at one time. Hell I was a (legal) gun DEALER even. My journey required me to get rid of them. I don't own any right now. Its not to say I wouldn't want one sometimes. And I would feel safer as well. But I would also consider using it on myself if I had one.

I used to have 4-5 loaded weapons in every room. I answered my door with a gun in hand. It did save my life one day from an armed intruder. I most likely could have taken care of the situation hand to hand but I used a gun to resolve it. I spent a year and a half having to defend my actions. Politically the local DA wanted to convict me for self defense. Use a gun to defend yourself and you will pay a steep price for it. I was found not guilty but let me tell you, it was rough.

If someone came into my home now I would be more inclined to shoot hornet spray into their eyes and beat them with a baseball bat rather than deploy a gun.

Another thing that hit me pretty hard that I want to tell you about... you can make up your own mind on it.

I am violent. I have done bad things to people and was rewarded for it by the military. I am out of the military now and I still have those feelings. The rage. Don't we all have it to some degree?

I am sick of being that person. I don't like the violence. I don't want the rage/anger. I want to change. Not just that but I don't want those types of thoughts anymore. They are not healthy.

I don't want to take life away anymore. Not a deer, or elk or a human. (bugs are still good to go) I am not saying I am Gandhi or anything... but for me, its time to move past what I learned from the Marines. I need to keep growing and I am stuck in this frame of mind that violence is the only answer to everything. And its not.

So yeah, keep protecting the guns and you wont be getting the real help you seem to be saying you need. I guess that's something you need to figure out how it can work out. Good Luck man. I hear a lot of me in you.

 

[atilla]

I hear a lot of us in you Friday, I too got rid of my weapons, and I don't hunt anymore. I don't want to forget my service, the places i've been or even the f*cked up things I have done for "Uncle Sam", nor do I want to forget the experience that brought me to this point. You didn't "break yourself" Friday. You served. You deserve to be helped, go for your compensation, go to your therapy. Never give up.

 

[reddevil1111]

Yeah I agree with Atilla. I don't want you to forget or say that was a bunch of crap. I just think you still need to deprogram some from the training.

Even I do and its been 20 plus years for me. I am not passing judgment brother. I am just trying to help if I can.

 

[atilla]

I know what we need to do Brothers, we need to stand down....I think there is a lot of us if not all, are just waiting for that order to "stand down". Problem is that we don't recognize that we're the ones who give the orders now, but thats a lot easier said than done. Were still fighting, it's just a different enemy, most of the time it's our selves. I'll tell you right now Brothers, if there is any way that i can help any of you I will gladly do it. Most of us aren't serving any more, but I still feel the obligation to help my Brothers and Sisters in this firefight with the beast. Never give up.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

f*ck... there's a heavy dose of truth. I got a lot of thinking to do.

 

[Sarg]

Well, if the do-gooders succeed, the point may be moot when they come out with the legislation they're trying to push through to prevent anyone with a PTSD diagnosis from owning a weapon.

Gonna be a lot of weapons buried out in the woods.

Sarg

 

[atilla]

Wink, wink, nudge, nudge....got rid of my weapons out of the house...not out of the garage..lol

 

[reddevil1111]

just don't forget, the cops know all about the fake water heater trick. Druggies hid shit and the cops have learned a lot. Gotta go spider hole and not in your back yard. Moisture free plastic case. Hell. It wont matter. The local sheriff just got two mwraps and they have belt fed heavy machine guns. How do you counter that with a rifle? or a Pistol?
Gotta go overtake a national guard armory just to get some out dated weapons. Sigh. It would be a serious uphill battle.

 

[atilla]

WHERE'S THE LOVE BUTTON. lol...I know right....Cheers Devil!