I'm In Awe Of What I Forgot

[plagued]

I want to sob.. you simply have no idea. I am unable to mentally cope with the source of my panic disorder finally being revealed. It was a mental journey to unravel my true trauma as I hid it within my mind for so long only now am I able to remember. Why now? at 24, why has the memory finally emerged in the last week? after 11 years... I just don't understand. I'm in awe that my brain was able to do this.. to repress a memory for so many years and then let it randomly come back to me.

I remember now. In the year 2003 at 13 years old I was placed in foster care on a "temporary basis" and taken away from my mother because of my own bad behavior. I was originally placed in a foster home out in the country side (for one month) but had such difficulty getting a long with the family and the their teenage children I was kicked out and sent to sort of an independently owned respite center for troubled teens. The center oddly only housed three other teens.. one girl and two boys and two of which ended up leaving to go back with their families and the other was arranged to only come during the "day" - so I was basically by myself left alone with just the owner (who stayed day and night) and the two staff members.

I don't want to make this post incredibly long and I feel like getting straight to the point.. I don't know how to say this... I was sexually and physically abused by a man named "shawn" who ran this respite house.

I only have three memories of what happened through the two months I was there...

- I remember him kicking me as I went up the stairs and throwing his shoe at my head while I carried heavy boxes (of something, can't remember)

- I remember him forcing me to perform oral sex on him in his van on an "outing" on the way to a hardware store.

- I remember him beating me in the kitchen because I did a "sloppy" job of sweeping up the floor.

..I don't remember everything else but I'm sure there's more.


I don't know what else to say.. I'm honestly just stunned at this. I'm more than stunned, I'm horrified. I don't understand the human mind sometimes..

 

[Nicolette]

I'm sorry @plagued . I have no words of wisdom to offer other than to say I wonder if you mind tried to protect you until you were better able to cope with the terrible abuse you endured.

 

[shimmerz]

There are no words.....the damage that 'outsourcing' children does is unbelievable. The memories served up and everything we believed about ourselves shattered. I don't know what makes these people tick either. Just give thanks that you don't understand. I would rather be one of me than one of them.....

 

[RussH]

@plagued First I am sorry that you went through such a horrible experience.

The mind is an amazing complex bio computer. I think the mind will repress memories like this until we either:
reach a level of maturity that we can deal with it, or
something triggers us and forces the memory to the surface.

I hope for your sake that it is the former, and not the later, and you are at a place where you are willing to deal with it.
Also, you need to report this to the authorites, because of kids may be at risk.

 

[plagued]

Also, you need to report this to the authorites, because of kids may be at risk.

I googled the name of the organization that runs that teen housing facility (won't say the name) and I see they have entirely new staff. He is no longer the owner or affiliated.

I'm not entirely sure if I should report this to the police.. I mean it's been 11 years (nearly 12).

I definitely could search for his full name on the internet (I don't remember has last name) but I could check Linkedin

 

[The Albatross]

Sounds like you have long gaps in memory like I do. That is tough. I've been at it for a long while... and the gaps are still very big and there was in my case very little in the way of validation.

 

[katz]

I certainly understand your pain. I had at least 5 different men who had attacked me for many years. (More hidden memories keep coming) Two of them were family members. I was so young when they started hurting me that I also "forgot" for many, many years. Even when I it ended my first marriage, I did not realize the magnitude of effects that it had on my life and what they had made me into. I only remember thinking that something was wrong with me. I was "broken". As I got older, I was able to start putting pieces together and understanding-and remembering what had happened to me. Only bits and pieces, but enough to fill in the story. I even "forgot again" for many more years before I started to keep the memories and deal with them. I'm 50 now and have learned over the years that the mind is a wonderful thing and will only let you remember what you're able to handle at the time. I also learned to respect myself when these memories come to the surface. I know that I must be able to deal with them or I would not be remembering. I have kept a long journal since I was young and when I "forget" something, I can always look back and see the ways that I handled it. I also learn about myself and how I became Me while these horrible things went on as I grew up. I can look back when ever I need to understand something and why I feel this way. This lets me put the blame where it belongs and not on myself!! (As I always have) It also reassures me that it even happened at all. Because my family brought me up to learn that it was a "mental" condition and that I was "imagining it ". They even told this to my friends, family, and even boyfriends I dated. I was over 30 and they were still telling everyone that I was "faking it" !! Luckily, I had one boyfriend who believed me, instead of them. I miss him terribly. He died suddenly and unexpectedly. I'm so very glad that I have my journal to put my thoughts and feelings into, when I remember anything about him or my horrible past.
Please respect yourself and trust in yourself as you deal with these memories and feelings when they come to the surface. You should be proud of yourself as you go thru these tough times and always remember "you are a survivor".

 

[anthony]

I'm in awe that my brain was able to do this.. to repress a memory for so many years and then let it randomly come back to me.

Yep... the mind is a mystery, to say the least. Sorry you had to go through this...

 

[The Albatross]

I would though caution, that when memories surface I have to use extra caution before accepting them at face value as "the truth". I had some situations where my perspective of the memories were clearly wrong. Particularly the childhood ones, because they were based on my understanding of things "at that time"... a child's perceptions basically. My father's sister was beneficial in working with me some and filling in from an adult perspective what was really going on, shedding some light on it more to flesh out the family dynamic and what unspoken issues were occurring.

Now it is not my habit to accept my impressions as truth but when they surface I put them in context with what was actually occurring at that time for the other family members first.

 

[katz]

Yes, I understand your point about what is true and what is not. I have a brother that I can check with and he has been able to confirm what is real memory and what is not. He and I have been discussing and studying the dynamics of the family thru the years.( his job is in the psychology field.) I have been getting a much clearer view of our family and how it works. I'm so glad to have someone to check with before I accept the memories as truth.