Hi Mim28, so sorry you feel this way! It's very hard and painful. I think there is so much shame attached to PTSD, at least for me, I feel very ashamed sometimes (especially on a rocky day - even though I know it's not my fault!!). I studied shame for my dissertation in uni... I remember that shame is defined as a felt sense of being defective and with it comes an intense desire to 'hide' the defective self from view...sadly, I think we can project our shame about what we are going through onto our loved ones. Sometimes I think things like "people won't love me", "they will think I am crazy", "who would help or care?" (when they all would). I think this is almost doing them a disservice (my own friends personally....), most people just want to be there for you and for you to be okay, this is not the same as them understanding it completely (because I don't think anyone can). I have a friend with PTSD and when I think and feel this way, I think - "do I think this of her? Do I judge her?" and I think "no, I just want her to be happy and not to suffer".
There's a lovely quote, in a book I'm reading (I always read this to myself when I'm having a bad day haha), "when one tree is sick, we nurture and take care of that tree, but don't ignore all the other healthy trees in the forest". Sometimes PTSD, and its destructiveness can feel like our whole identity but it isn't. One tree in our forest is sick, but we aren't sick. One thing inside of us is broken, but we aren't broken. Sometimes I think it's like if we are little children with a cut on our hands, and we are going to our friends and family to ask for a hug or a band aid - they can't make it go away, but we shouldn't have to sit and nurse and cry over our wounds by ourselves. When people love us, they just want us to feel better... I guess the question is - how much is in reality and how much is our own negative self-perception? And how can we challenge those self-perceptions so that we can feel safe enough to share without shame?
Something I like to do when I feel the PTSD shame storm hit, is I sit and think "what good things do I bring to my relationships? And why do people like me?". I can then think about the good things I bring, like that I am kind and caring and then I find something practical to back it up (so for kindness, it might be that I bought in chocolate for the ladies I volunteer with or I washed and hung up my boyfriend's washing when he forgot to do it". It's a good balm for the shame :).
*Big Hugs to you*. I'm so sorry it's so hard and painful :(.
