Telling my family about PTSD.

[EveHarrington]

They may very well end up shaming you anyway. Will it be worth it? Telling everybody you have ptsd doesn’t take away the shame factor. That comes from within.

 

[Freida]

My hubby and sisters (on his side) know I have ptsd but they don't know why. My mom, dad and brother don't know about the ptsd - they think my issues are fibro related. It works better for me that way. And really - since I"m the one who needs it to work better - I get to say who knows what. :)

 

[Marvel545]

See - I’m tired of the facade, but I’m not sure if I’d be doing this for completely the right reason.

Maybe part of me wants them to be welcoming, which certain members in my family have a bad history with doing.

Shame is the thing I need to work on. I’d be lying if I said it wouldn’t really hurt me if they shamed me.

 

[blackemerald1]

If your family have a history of being err.. unsupportive (which they evidently do) I don't know why you are even considering telling them anything about your ptsd.

Whilst I wouldn't be hiding it... I wouldn't be bringing it up for discussion either. There's got to be a middle ground where you just get on with your life, treatment etc.,

I don't get the shame bit. Are you ashamed of having ptsd and how does that relate to telling family?

If you do say something and they bite back at you - what would you think? I think you probably should tell your gf - if you want to continue the relationship etc. But not the rest of your family. Too risky.

I tell no one about my diagnosis or treatment. It's not their business and if I chose to tell ppl they would ask difficult and stupid questions which I would find intolerable. I'm speaking from experience here. :rolleyes:

 

[Marvel545]

If you do say something and they bite back at you - what would you think? I think you probably should tell your gf - if you want to continue the relationship etc. But not the rest of your family. Too risky.

My Dad, girlfriend & her family do know about it. They’ve been completely fine with it. They have distance from the traumas & addiction issues though (Dad aside)

I don't get the shame bit. Are you ashamed of having ptsd and how does that relate to telling family?

I feel as though I have to. That may sound strange & I’m not sure why that is. I feel as though I’m lying to them by not telling them.

 

[blackemerald1]

So what other family do you think are needing to know. Or, you feel a need to tell?

I feel as though I’m lying to them by not telling them.

Why?

If you are thinking of telling your extended family (grandparents) are they not sceptical, critical and not that supportive towards you? What do you expect them to say and do with the information you want to disclose to them?

Discuss this with your gf, father and therapist Marvel... work out why you feel that way first.

 

[Freida]

I feel as though I’m lying to them by not telling them.

What other "private thoughts" do you share with them? Do you tell them how many times you and your girlfriend have sex? Each time you cheat on your diet? Each time you watch porn? Each time you decide you hate them all?

We are allowed to keep certain thoughts to ourselves. It's one of the benefits of being an adult -- you aren't required to check in each day and discuss how you feel with the people around you. It's not lying. It's keeping things to yourself while you work it out. It doesn't mean you won't ever tell them. Just not right now.

PTSD is a pretty hot button topic -- and telling the people who caused your ptsd? That might not go the way you hope. So I'll ask ya this --- what is the benefit TO YOU of telling them? How will it make you feel better? What do you expect out of them in response? And how will you handle it when they don't respond the way you want them to?

 

[Tinyflame]

I agree with @blackemerald1 and others.

There are few and far between (people) that need to know, or will do more than respect they know, but honor it. And the only way to gauge it, I think, is having a pretty sound trust in the other person's character, through thick and thin, as well as knowing your own. And knowing whether they have the capacity to grasp it, and whether or not they would be the type to use it against you, or share when they shouldn't, or with those they shouldn't, or that you wouldn't, for reasons they may not even be aware.

Much can be said in the way of understanding, or even disclosure, without revealing. Even with strangers. You can still (potentially) help others without them even knowing 'how' you understand them.

I don't know @Marvel545 if at this point in your recovery it feels a requirement to do so to be honest, and possibly to explain how and why things transpired as they did (your natural attempts to cope)? But a friend told me once, when I was afraid with someone bringing stuff up from then in my past- "Who are these people, anyway? And what right do they have? And that was 30 years ago!" And "You have to protect your heart". And "And that was 30 years ago!" is useful in terms of reducing the horrible feelings I have even now, at this moment. I am not always 'seen' through a filter of (only) 30 years ago, and it is not my present. To let it go, also requires (or is helped by) others 'being in the present'. I can't easily stay in the 'present' when those around me do not want or chose to be, nor want to be.

It is depressing or discouraging that 'family' may be the last ones in prudence to share (many things) with, but if that is the truth, it is. Idk what else to say. Except that, I don't think all healing is painful, or always has to be. Support is not painful. And sharing knowledge doesn't always bring support. And FOO can be painfully 'non-family'-like. I have achieved nothing in terms of healing through painful experiences, blame, rejection, or harm. The only painful experiences I learned from, were from unnecessary pain I brought more upon myself, that was not warranted- often because I expected it because of my history, including some of my FOO.

Just my thoughts. Best wishes with the choices that are right for you. :hug:

 

[Marvel545]

So what other family do you think are needing to know. Or, you feel a need to tell?

My thoughts were to tell my Aunties, uncles & Grandparents.

Why?

To live more authentically, stop hiding myself.

What do you expect them to say and do with the information you want to disclose to them?

I would think that they would be supportive & just listen. That’s probably wishful thinking though. I mentioned to my Uncle that I want to move away at some point & he used it as ammunition to wind up my Granny.

What other "private thoughts" do you share with them? Do you tell them how many times you and your girlfriend have sex? Each time you cheat on your diet? Each time you watch porn? Each time you decide you hate them all?

Nope, I think I’m getting it. I think my fear is being in a no win position. Tell them & get shamed for it, don’t tell them & if it comes out some other way.. get shamed for it & not being open.

So I'll ask ya this --- what is the benefit TO YOU of telling them?

Ideally it would be to feel less shame around PTSD & addiction.

What do you expect out of them in response

Just to listen I think.

Much can be said in the way of understanding, or even disclosure, without revealing. Even with strangers. You can still (potentially) help others without them even knowing 'how' you understand them

This is true.

I think I need to talk to my T about why I feel as though I have an obligation to tell them. I think the rabbit hole runs quite deep with this. I feel as though I have to confess everything in my life to them. I’m a traitor if I don’t. They have a right to know first.

It’s easy to forget that whilst these people aren’t my trauma, they still behaved wildly inappropriately around a child & made the situation a lot harder.

 

[The Albatross]

Yup, sounds like a session or two or three to me. Be sure to bring up though you're people pleasing and how you really feel about it instead of saying "okay" or "I'm fine". I get that you're not feeling authentic... but you haven't incorporated that into your day to day life yet. Why go for the big guns when there are so many foundational and boundary issues to be resolved or come into focus on yet? See what your shrink says.

 

[Freida]

I’m a traitor if I don’t. They have a right to know first.

wow. these are some pretty profound statements.
I think running them by your T might be helpful...

 

[Marvel545]

It’s the child part of me that thinks these thoughts, I just let them flow out when they come up. They clearly come up for a reason & I don’t know what that is. Having slept on it I think I need to discuss this with T.

Definitely not going to tell them at the minute, doing it for all the wrong reasons.

Got a a vision in my mind that is me being forced to tell them everything.